(2) I need to take back some control in this R and of my own life.
(3) I need to separate my emotions from taking care of my and my kids' future.
(4) I need to set some boundaries so I am not constantly having to see and talk to my H.
Also, my C seems to think that it will be better for me to get through this as quickly as possible. She doesn't want me wasting my energy on this stuff when I could be using it to make a new life for myself.
Whew.
Would love any thoughts. Encouragement. Discouragement. Anything.
Mi M! I like what you've gotten from the people you asked for help. Its good to have as much information as you can to make a good decision. My L told me he was impressed that I wanted to try and save my M. he encouraged me to try for a couple more months. My coach told me it was reasonable given the amount of time (years in fact) that I have tried to communicate with my W and ask her to work with me to meet both of our needs, that I tell her that I can't continue to wait around much longer. The T or C that you talked to can't say for sure what will happen.
Standing is not an absolute must in my mind. I just saw a person in here that has been "standing" for 10 years. His W has made no real attempt to reconcile according to what he writes. I could not and would not do that.
Each of us comes here with different wants and needs. I believe Sandi and Bug were able to reconcile, but their personal growth and their continued good will efforts as well as her personal preferences played a role in that (sorry to use you as an example Bug and Sandi, but I am very impressed by the advice and support and your success because of your character that I was hard to resist).
I guess my point is, that what you are doing (by coming here) is by no means a waste of time and energy. It is also not in any way a failure to consider moving forward or moving on. You are giving H what he asked for and you are taking a step to live you life. Read the last chapter of DR and DB again. MWD says that sometimes, despite our best efforts, we don't save the current M. We can however continue to make ourselves better people, better partners and potentially better spouses to someone who will appreciate what we have to offer.
I applaud your courage and please know that people here will stand behind you. look at the "friends" you've made here and you may also understand that what you are doing here is not in vain. sorry to run on, but I see your recent actions/decisions as somewhat parallel to my own upcoming one and I feel passionate about it.
I have one more thought, when I asked my W to marry me, we were cuddled on a blanket in front of a fire. I gave her a ring I had taken some time to choose. When the ring was ruined in a accident years later (also during a 10 day separation where I left because she would not engage me and I felt completely alone), I went back and had an exact replica made even though the designer had stopped making anything like it. I told her I believed in her. I took my a year to save to buy the new ring. I promised to love and care for her... to protect her heart as though it were my own. She stopped coming to dinner with me and the kids, stopped going out anywhere with me. When I reached for her hand on date nights (the 2 or 3 per year she allowed) she put her hand in her pocket. I read countless books, tried db'ing from December 2012 to now. Have been to 3 different IC's and done countless hours of reflection and change. W stopped protecting my heart a long time ago. I offered to do whatever I could to keep my end of the promise. You have done much the same. Act with kindness and integrity. Show your kids that and no matter what you choose, you will never be wrong. Live tied (in the legal sense) to your current H so you can say you 'saved the M'....that's not going to help you or the kids. just my 24 cents (not 2 cents because I ran on so long)
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
