I'm really beginning to see the light. And I really need to. I've been flailing for too long, and I need to stop. I think I am ready to stop. Yes...and I'm so glad you feel better!
The L suggested I file. ASAP. Mainly because H has told me that he may be going from a partnership role at his law firm to of counsel. Whoah...wth? WHY is he going "of counsel"?? NOT a good sign...very scary. Get some money set up now. I'd be very concerned if I were in your shoes. At least if he were a partner you'd know there is some money but "of counsel"...at how many firms? Just that one? I don't see an upside to this.
And if he does, I will get screwed out of my share of the value of his partnership interest. The non tangible "good will." It could still be carried over to his consulting business, but not likely. Only HIS clients will come to him, and only SOME at that, and virtually none of the clients who have used the whole firm. What is he saying, that he is going to be a sole practitioner?
But also because me being nice isn't helping anything. It is clear he is not looking out for me; he is looking out for himself. HOLD ON...being nice may not have gotten him back, but I promise you that being mean won't help either. There is no punishing him home. But, I agree that being complacent only gets you so far. I'm glad you are having an awakening.
And sure, I can lie down and take the beating he is giving me, because I think I can get more in the negotiation, but it won't work.
She told me I need to get a backbone. She said, and I quote, "Come ON! Think like a lawyer!!"
Apparently my H is about as typical as they come. She pretty much had him pegged before I opened my mouth. The problem is that I refuse to see it that way. I don't want to think of my H as a person who would do what he is doing. But guess what. HE IS. We are going to get D either way. But right now I am just handing over all the control to him. You do not "KNOW" That you are getting D "either way" but if you believe that then you may end up making some choices you do regret.
All I am saying is, you will never regret behaving like a woman of strength and dignity, who faced a hard blow to the heart with the courage to make some big changes in herself and her life.
My L said I need to think of this as a business transaction. Period. And I can blame anything that H is pissed off about on her. And I can still be friendly and we can be amicable but this is business.
this^^ I agree with. Keep the business SEPARATE from the interactions. One is business and the other is love/family...so go ahead, blame the lawyers!
But. She told me to withdraw $35k from our joint checking account before filing. Just in case he gets pissy and decides to cut me off financially. May I assume that is half the money in the joint accounts? I took enough money to pay the bills for 2 months "in case" and h never even noticed...(seriously, that showed a lot of MLC b/c he was very frugal and keeps records for years).
And can you keep detailed records of where the money goes if you feel the need to.
AND Do you trust the L's judgement?
I don't think he would do that, but I also didn't think he would leave me. I didn't think he would be on match.com 24/7. I didn't think he would post photos of himself with drunk chicks on FB.
I am being an idiot if I think he is looking out for me. So I need to look out for me.
She also said his proposals (which were ever-changing based on circumstances and would require constant renegotiation) would just keep me enmeshed forever. She said I am 43, and I can get my life back. But I can't do it if I don't get a clean break.
And it's true. I have been trying to keep us enmeshed. But it's a waste of time. He wants a D. Who knows what he will want five years from now, but I can't sit around waiting to find out.
So, I am of two minds about this.
On one hand:
(1) I don't want to acknowledge that my H is not who I thought he was. I thought he was better than this.
(2) I don't want to piss my H off. (Though, as my L astutely pointed out, who cares? Does he care when he goes sleeping with other women??)
(3) I don't want this to be ugly.
(4) I don't want to be the jerk in this scenario. I don't want to be the one who files. (Then again, does it really matter who filed? Maybe I will do like Betsey's H and I will put my H's name as petitioner. Ha ha.)
But on the other hand:
(1) I need to face the truth and accept what is.
(2) I need to take back some control in this R and of my own life.
(3) I need to separate my emotions from taking care of my and my kids' future.
(4) I need to set some boundaries so I am not constantly having to see and talk to my H. this^^ I can agree with parts of, or maybe, all of.
Also, my C seems to think that it will be better for me to get through this as quickly as possible. She doesn't want me wasting my energy on this stuff when I could be using it to make a new life for myself.
Whew.
Would love any thoughts. Encouragement. Discouragement. Anything.
NOT so sure about your C's words...part of me thinks she is right. Part of me thinks
Her job is easier if you take that advice and give up on your h and she can help you recreate your new life.
To a lot of C's, and T's, it seems that fighting FOR the m, is too hard. It's easier for many of friends and family members to tell me to tell my h off.
To get rid of him was easier for THEM, but not necessarily for ME...or my kids.
Get some space and take some breaths. See what feels true and honorable for you.
I read ONE thing the other day from my past, that helped.
Which was that I did not want to look myself in the mirror when I'm 90 years old and have to face that I made some decisions NOT in the best interests of my kids.
Melissa, consider this proposal: do right by your kids, and you will never regret it. Start with that.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
