I'm really beginning to see the light. And I really need to. I've been flailing for too long, and I need to stop. I think I am ready to stop.
The L suggested I file. ASAP. Mainly because H has told me that he may be going from a partnership role at his law firm to of counsel. And if he does, I will get screwed out of my share of the value of his partnership interest. The non tangible "good will." It could still be carried over to his consulting business, but not likely.
But also because me being nice isn't helping anything. It is clear he is not looking out for me; he is looking out for himself. And sure, I can lie down and take the beating he is giving me, because I think I can get more in the negotiation, but it won't work.
She told me I need to get a backbone. She said, and I quote, "Come ON! Think like a lawyer!!"
Apparently my H is about as typical as they come. She pretty much had him pegged before I opened my mouth. The problem is that I refuse to see it that way. I don't want to think of my H as a person who would do what he is doing. But guess what. HE IS.
We are going to get D either way. But right now I am just handing over all the control to him.
My L said I need to think of this as a business transaction. Period. And I can blame anything that H is pissed off about on her. And I can still be friendly and we can be amicable but this is business.
But. She told me to withdraw $35k from our joint checking account before filing. Just in case he gets pissy and decides to cut me off financially.
I don't think he would do that, but I also didn't think he would leave me. I didn't think he would be on match.com 24/7. I didn't think he would post photos of himself with drunk chicks on FB.
I am being an idiot if I think he is looking out for me. So I need to look out for me.
She also said his proposals (which were ever-changing based on circumstances and would require constant renegotiation) would just keep me enmeshed forever. She said I am 43, and I can get my life back. But I can't do it if I don't get a clean break.
And it's true. I have been trying to keep us enmeshed. But it's a waste of time. He wants a D. Who knows what he will want five years from now, but I can't sit around waiting to find out.
So, I am of two minds about this.
On one hand:
(1) I don't want to acknowledge that my H is not who I thought he was. I thought he was better than this.
(2) I don't want to piss my H off. (Though, as my L astutely pointed out, who cares? Does he care when he goes sleeping with other women??)
(3) I don't want this to be ugly.
(4) I don't want to be the jerk in this scenario. I don't want to be the one who files. (Then again, does it really matter who filed? Maybe I will do like Betsey's H and I will put my H's name as petitioner. Ha ha.)
But on the other hand:
(1) I need to face the truth and accept what is.
(2) I need to take back some control in this R and of my own life.
(3) I need to separate my emotions from taking care of my and my kids' future.
(4) I need to set some boundaries so I am not constantly having to see and talk to my H.
Also, my C seems to think that it will be better for me to get through this as quickly as possible. She doesn't want me wasting my energy on this stuff when I could be using it to make a new life for myself.
Whew.
Would love any thoughts. Encouragement. Discouragement. Anything.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
