I came back home on Saturday night. H didn't leave. He stayed/slept the house. Sunday was my bday and he and th kids planned games ( tug of war, bobbing for apples and jump roping!) and a cake. Was really fun. Then my girfriends had invited me out at night for dinner. Before I left, h said he had invited the guys over and when I am done with dinner I should bring the girls back home for a few drinks with the guys.
H left today and he sounded like he was planning to stay here again when he comes back ( he stayed in the guest bedroom).
So, I have not said anything about this to him. I am trying to just observe and be steady emotionally ( I did do a mini happy dance and a prayer of thankfulness and gratitude in private). To be honest- I don't know what this is yet so I am continuing on my path as usual.
A few observations: he seemed comfortable at home. Still at arms length with me but we talk more in a friendly way.
I was on the phone with my parents and said I was coming to visit them in march. Afterwards he said 'oh so you are going to country x in March? I didn't know!'
I thought that was a bit strange- I didn't know how to answer so I just said 'you're welcome to come!'
It made me realise how far I have come. Planning my life without him in it. And it seemed normal.
I'm also aware of how 'complete' it felt to have h back home. My gosh are the kids different. I don't think h would have taken the decision to stay unless he was really ready- he wouldn't do that to the kids... I think. So I will wait and see if this becomes the new norm when he comes back ( so many new norms on this journey).
I'm pretty sure OW is almost out of the picture. I don't think it's time for that conversation yet.
The biggest thing I have realised is the change in me. I never knew if I had truly let to of the past and h and I feel like I have. Because now - today- I can see how good my life is and how much I enjoy my days now. That's not because of h- he may add to it one day - he may not- the core is always there though that no one can take away.
I can start seeing things in hindsight much clearer now. I can see H's struggles and journey in a more rationale way and mine as well. I can see how he was headed for disaster no matter what. I can see more clearly what I was going through as well. I know in the past I couldn't have done things differently because I didn't know any better. But now I do. And it gives me a confidence in myself I never knew I had. I even had a moment of empathy for the OW- I was disturbed a bit that I could feel something else for her besides contempt - I was a strange feeling.
What matters to me- I am sure of that now. My family. I don't know if my M will be rebuilt but I know I am coming through the darkness and it is freeing, scary and exciting. A place I have not experienced yet.
I am working on losing weight - I have wanted to for awhile ( the last few kilos from pregnancy still- yes it's been a long time) and now I feel I can focus on that in earnest. These past three years have been so focused on my emotional and mental growth. And I know there is still so much more to learn- I just feel now I can work on my physical health as well.
I'm gonna go now- I'm still feeling the effects of celebrating my bday- I think I must have thought I was turning 23 instead of 43 the way I carried on with the toasts and the drinking..! Oh well.
I sense h is still troubled and will be for awhile .. He is trying to find his place, himself. Time will tell.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
