separted six weeks still on the journey - II

[GreyMatter]

Hey P and 3BM,
Yes I too had to do the boundary talk so we are all there/were.
I went as far as saying that H had to ring before turning up as we are out alot these days. I also rearranged the house as drastically as possible so that when he did visit there was alot of change. (rearranged the lounge room 4 times now and started painting walls - when he asked I said it was incase I needed to get it on the real estate market if I could manage to afford things myself) Took down wedding pics too.
I believe this is the beginning of them starting to look inward. They are getting what they wanted and realise that it may not be as glossy as they were imagining. I do not think they think about what our life looks like without them just what there life looks like without us.
This is a rude shock for them.

[paul19510]

Pictures and house painting come next. Still waiting to afford a few things. I want to replace my bedding first. GM, do you feel that I am on a path towards more communication from W? At least out from her "middle of the road" stance if the current process continues (of course this is based on your experience). I'm tired of limbo.

[3boymom]

P - I can't speak for GM but I am 6 months post BD and my H is still in the middle and cannot make a decision either way. The ONLY thing he says in response to any R question is "I don't know.". It makes me want to hit myself in the head with a hammer every time he says it. I am trying to not think of it as being in limbo. I am now at a point that I can say that my M is dead. I am working on myself and focusing on the kids. Maybe one day my H will start to look at himself and will be able to start a new relationship. If not, I am using this time to work on myself.

[paul19510]

P - I can't speak for GM but I am 6 months post BD and my H is still in the middle and cannot make a decision either way. The ONLY thing he says in response to any R question is "I don't know.". It makes me want to hit myself in the head with a hammer every time he says it. I am trying to not think of it as being in limbo. I am now at a point that I can say that my M is dead. I am working on myself and focusing on the kids. Maybe one day my H will start to look at himself and will be able to start a new relationship. If not, I am using this time to work on myself.

hi 3! I am glad you said that. Good thing to think about. I am feeling a littlendown today. Not sure why. We have yet another snownstorm today. Up to 8 inches of snow expected. Schools closed....W willn surely be staying in my area due to weather..starting to experiment with saying XW about her. Just to see his it feels. Not saying it out loud...just to me. Have a safe day if you are also in the path of this storm.

[paul19510]

Oh..one other thing I forgot. W keeps using temporary words to describe this. Makes me crazy....like we need to be separate "for now". ...while we are separate.... then when I mention she doesn't live here she gets bent out of shape....wtf? Are you in or out!?!

[juliegayle]

Paul I haven't even been able to say xh in my head. . Well until just now. I experimented with taking my rings off and hated it. Just not there yet.

Stay safe and warm today!!

[labug]

Hey Paul, work on realizing and accepting that this M is over. You may at some point have another with her or someone else but the one you were in is over.

I had sort of a mantra when thoughts about what he was doing or not doing would crop up, The marriage is over, I need to live my live accordingly and keep moving forward.

I would also ask myself, What would I be doing differently if the D was official?

[paul19510]

Hey Paul, work on realizing and accepting that this M is over. You may at some point have another with her or someone else but the one you were in is over.

I had sort of a mantra when thoughts about what he was doing or not doing would crop up, The marriage is over, I need to live my live accordingly and keep moving forward.

I would also ask myself, What would I be doing differently if the D was official?

hi Bug! I was just going there. She's acting kinda "funny" I can't explain it, but I think she realizes that me (and the kids) aren't waiting around.

I know my marriage is over. I just don't understand why W continues to talk about our separation in temporary terms like "....while we are apart..." ".....we need to be apart for now...." etc. Hedging her bets I guess.

I am just moving forward and making new friends and traditions in my life. I like you mantra. I'll keep it in mind

Thanks as always for looking in on me. You have made this journey much easier than I think it would have been otherwise.

[AnotherStander]

I believe this is the beginning of them starting to look inward. They are getting what they wanted and realise that it may not be as glossy as they were imagining. I do not think they think about what our life looks like without them just what there life looks like without us.
This is a rude shock for them.

Not really, most WAS's are quite happy to be out and away from the LBS and starting their "new, exciting" life. I think most LBS's think "well once they move out they'll quickly realize what they're missing and come back", but that's a very unrealistic expectation to have. As we say a lot around here, it's a marathon, not a sprint. It takes many months if not years to lay the groundwork for reconciliation. There are no quick fixes or "triggers" that will snap the WAS out of it and bring them home.

[paul19510]

Paul I haven't even been able to say xh in my head. . Well until just now. I experimented with taking my rings off and hated it. Just not there yet.

Stay safe and warm today!!

hi Julie, W removed her rings within days of leaving. I have no idea where they are or if she has them anymore. I removed mine because it didn't feel right to be the only one wearing one. when I see her, I feel its just pressure anyway.