I don't want the freaking divorce. But I also don't want to be lonely and in limbo for the rest of my life.
Whenever someone says they're in "limbo" it tells me they're "waiting", and you shouldn't wait. Being married is (or at least, should be) only one part of your life, set it aside for now but continue expanding every other aspect of your life. You should be on a journey, not standing still. Find out who you are and what you want to do with your life. Remove H from that equation for now. You can insert him back into your life later, or insert someone else perhaps. But there's no rush on that. Find yourself first
Quote:
So now instead of being adamant we need to save it like I have been since BD...I'm feeling on the fence too. I'm not even sure it can it should be saved or if I want it. But I'm not sure I don't either.
Definitely something to think about. If you were to reconcile with the man your H is now, think about what that would look like and if you even want that or not. My guess is probably not. So the only thing you can hope for is that he will change into someone you do want an R with, but how long will that take? Probably a lot longer than you think. What you want to do is get to a point where you can think about these things and come to conclusions rationally and logically without your emotions flaring up. And if you can do that, THEN you're ready to make a decision as to whether to keep standing or not.
I don't want the freaking divorce. But I also don't want to be lonely and in limbo for the rest of my life.
Whenever someone says they're in "limbo" it tells me they're "waiting", and you shouldn't wait. Being married is (or at least, should be) only one part of your life, set it aside for now but continue expanding every other aspect of your life. You should be on a journey, not standing still. Find out who you are and what you want to do with your life. Remove H from that equation for now. You can insert him back into your life later, or insert someone else perhaps. But there's no rush on that. Find yourself first
Quote:
So now instead of being adamant we need to save it like I have been since BD...I'm feeling on the fence too. I'm not even sure it can it should be saved or if I want it. But I'm not sure I don't either.
Definitely something to think about. If you were to reconcile with the man your H is now, think about what that would look like and if you even want that or not. My guess is probably not. So the only thing you can hope for is that he will change into someone you do want an R with, but how long will that take? Probably a lot longer than you think. What you want to do is get to a point where you can think about these things and come to conclusions rationally and logically without your emotions flaring up. And if you can do that, THEN you're ready to make a decision as to whether to keep standing or not.
It's over. I've called my attorney. I did absolutely everything I could do. I am at peace with this. He doesn't want to work on it and honestly I can't stay in a relationship with someone that has treated me like garbage for almost a year. Forgiving the affair would be a piece of cake compared to overcoming the lies, anger, blame, manipulation, etc...
It is not bitter. We have maintained an amicable relationship. I expect the divorce to go smoothly and co-parenting to be manageable.
As long as it wasn't in a moment of anger that you made this decision, it sounds like you've at least reached a point of some clarity, sthelen.
Please let us know how we can continue to support you through this. The only advice I would have to you at this point would be to try to treat your husband with civility and grace and even FORGIVENESS, as you never know what the future will bring. It helps if you look at it as an addiction, for which he someday is going to need to get some help.
In the meantime, just maintain -- and enforce - your boundaries.
I'm as at peace with it as I can be. He was planning to proceed anyway. It's not so much my decision as it was me accepting his decision.
We still get along really well given the circumstances and I still treat him with a lot more respect than he has probably earned recently.
The reality is I still love him to death and would love to fix this but he is still with OW (on again, off again best I can tell) and has told me he doesn't want to work on the marriage and said we are done, it can never work, he's calling his attorney.
Nobody knows what the future holds but I'm certainly not hoping for or expecting anything.
I agree he's got an addiction and other issues that need to be treated but he has completely stopped therapy. I also need to protect myself financially. While in this affair fog or whatever it is he has blown a significant amount of Money and accumulated debt traveling the country with OW. He used to be very smart with money. I'm not so confident now.
