Limbo is the new normal

[slow_it_down]

The irony here is that I did just that on Friday before this latest derailment occurred. I told him he should go for whatever jobs he wanted to and that we'd all sacrifice if need be.

I know as well as anyone how important meaningful work is to men. I carry a lot of guilt holding him back. Believe me, I would love to move. I would do it in a heartbeat if I didn't have kids. However, my X husband left the military and started a new career moving 3 states to be here with our kids. He's remarried and settled down here and taking them away from him is not something I take lightly. Plus, I live near my folks who I lean very heavily on. My mom is literally using all of her vacation days this year to make it possible for me to work. My H can't even be bothered to use a single minute of his time off to help. He'll use his time off to go hunting, fishing, trips alone, but won't spare any for me or my kids, ever.

In premarital counseling we talked about how you have to put your spouse above all else, even your kids. Having kids from a previous marriage makes that incredibly complicated because I really have to balance what's fair to my kids and my H's needs. I thought making it a point to mention this upfront would head this all off. I was wrong.

So on Friday I gave him a green light to get what he wants at the expense of what I want, what the kids want, what my support system wants, what my kids dad wants. And what happens? He hops up to leave to put out applications with the biggest smile like a weights been lifted. Clearly this is what he wants. Meanwhile, it was his birthday and dinner was minutes from being done, a dinner I made for him. He left before my kids had a chance to give him the cards they'd made for him, or to watch him open the presents they picked out for him. He left with me trying to soothe the baby by myself while also getting food out of the oven and served. What do you tell kids when they ask why you are eating someone else's birthday treat without them?

Part of me felt very hurt by his selfishness, the other part a very calm sense of acceptance that clearly what I offer is not what he wants. I let his needs take priority and he immediately walked all over us.

What's happening now isn't even an argument. It's just a sad acceptance that the things that need 'fixing' can't be fixed. I need to look out for myself because I can't count on him. He needs to look out for himself because he's miserable and can't be happy with what he has.

I'm sorry to be such a downer. I just can't keep giving everything and getting not only my heartbroken but my kids hearts broken over and over. I love my H and want him to be happy but I can't keep doing this.

He still sees all of this as a communication problem and is ready to stop arguing. He's gearing up his place to start having the baby over. The irony is that now he'll be forced to do all the things he wouldn't do when we were together. He'll have to commit to certain times rather than being free to do whatever he wants. He'll have to hold our S for longer than 10 minutes per day, and will have to actually start taking care of him. I will miss my S tremendously while he is w/ his dad but at least I'll have free hands to make dinner, clean or spend time w/ the older two - something I couldn't do when my H would be over for an hour before excusing himself to go to bed without helping.