Don't know if im on the edge anymore or not....

[dingo]

I just read another thread and Acc wrote this, which gets to the heart of what I wrote above:

I think your bar for success should be your own personal growth independent from the marriage. I would focus on why you found yourself one down in your marriage and what you can do to prevent that from happening going forward. From my cheap seats in the bleachers your challenge is not deficiency as a spouse -- it's more an issue of self worth and boundary enforcement. Nail that and you are likely to have a happy wife because you are a confident no compromises husband.

I fear that seeking to "better meet her needs" will deepen your one down position. You probably have more of a challenge in demanding that your needs be met.

I would put all the affair and marriage healing thoughts on hold and dig way deep on you first. If you do that well the marriage and affair recovery will fall into place.

Don't take this the wrong way, you're not a basket case or a pushover or anything, just a guy with vulnerabilities ...

This does get to the heart of the issue I think. I do know what my values are. I do know who I want to be and what I want to be.

My struggle now is that I am not getting the things that I want and I do value and demand faithfulness in a marriage. Of course, I also value giving people second chances and the belief that most people are good, moral and want to do right by the people they love. Of course, I also believe very strongly in commitment and marriage.

How do you have a 'no compromises' attitude in a relationship where both people are equal partners? One of the issues that my wife and I had was a different philosophy on money - saving vs spending, financial planning for the future vs. spending and having fun now. While infidelity certainly isn't something to compromise on, there are many things that require compromise in a marriage.

That being said, I believe I do suffer from the nice guy syndrome and lack of self esteem and self worth that seems to go hand in hand.

Area you suggesting that I should not have worried about the 'grievances' my wife has mentioned to me? While a lot of them were were rather ridiculous - i like cats, she likes dogs was one - some of them were quite serious - she felt that I was controlling because I didn't compromise on certain things, for example.