Don't know if im on the edge anymore or not....

[dingo]

Thanks for chiming in MM. Feel free to hijack away. I think we can all learn from each other's experiences and from advice given. I will take some time to catch up on your thread later this afternoon.

I wanted to take some time and just post some thoughts I have had since my conversation with my wife yesterday and reading some of the subsequent posts.

I don't know if i feel 'good' about things after my discussion with her. I do feel that I deserve more than I am getting - a lot more than I am getting but what is keeping me stuck is the commitment I made (for better or worse - bleh) and the fact that I recognize that I am partly responsible for the situation because of where I was emotionally earlier in our relationship. I feel like I owe it to myself, her and us to not abandon her during her trials like she did for me during mine. Yes, i recognize that she has abandoned me since but she hung in for a long time.

Anyway - I finally understand all of the advice over the past few days. The key is that I was making everything about her and not about me. I guess I still am. Unfortunately, my goals conflict. If I were able to focus on what is right for me, I would have D'd her back in the summer. I would have sold our house and moved into a smaller apartment. I would probably be dating by now and maybe in a much better place personally. This brings me back full circle to my inability to separate hope and expectations and detaching from giving up.

Also, I truly believe that my wife does not want our marriage to end, she just does not see a clear path forward. I realize that this could just be wishful thinking or what I want to believe but that's an honest assessment of where I am right now. Yesterday she told me she had gathered up all the things the OM gave her and stuff that he had left at her place and was going to give it back. She says things like 'sometimes i wish you would just file to light a fire under my ass' and 'i know what i have to do and what the right thing to do is, and i don't know why i can't just do it'. I look at these things as someone who is not willing to take responsibility for the situation that they are in or the choices that they have made and is looking for someone else to make decisions for them. Unfortunately for me, I can sympathize because before we were married, I had a lot of similar thoughts while, of all things, under an addiction (to a video game).

I know that she is struggling terribly with things. She has admitted as much. She is afraid I won't be able to forgive her, or trust her or that we will fall into old habits and go back to our old ways of reacting to each other. I don't know what to say to these things. In the past I rationalized and that didn't get me anywhere. Then I took the approach to agree with her and she turned that around on me - 'see, you think its hopeless too.' So now I just say nothing. If she asks me what I think, I just say 'I don't know what to say - you know how I feel about that'. But that's a trap too because then she asks me how I feel and I either fall into the rationalization trap or reinforcing that I am still there for her to come back to.

One of the big questions I have is actually the same thing MM asked above. When my wife claimed that my lack of a response to her was that I was seeing someone else, I didn't answer her question directly. I just said that the reason I didn't respond to her was that we had agreed not to talk and had nothing to do with whether I was or was not seeing someone else. Nevertheless, she has mentioned in the past that if I was to see someone, it would let her know that I had no more interest in working on things with her and so would make her decision easier. Its a bullsh!t double standard but what's the response? She has also done this in the past for lesser 'infractions' - like me not responding to her emails or me telling her I need space to figure out what I want. It seems like its just giving her an excuse and in the past, I have caved but I think the proper response is 'tough sh1t'.

So yes - I guess I am afraid that if I walk, she won't follow. But more accurately, I am afraid that if I walk, she will use that as an excuse and also that I will have regrets that I didn't do enough. I guess this is co-dependent behavior but where do you draw the line between being patient, giving space, not pressuring, etc. in a proper way vs. in a co-dependent way?

A few final points:
1. I don't think she's ever said that she intends to date around although she has said numerous times that she's not convinced the OM is right for her. I think this is truly about her inability to see a positive future between she and I, because she is addicted to the OM and certain things he gives her.

2. I did specifically tell her that I wanted time to sort out what I wanted. That's when she responded with 'i thought you wanted to work on the marriage'. I told her that has been my position and as of this moment, it still is, but that I have to consider what I want for my life, what I feel I deserve and how long I am willing to wait on her.

3. I don't think I am resentful. Most of the time when I think about it, I really just feel sorry for her. She has gotten herself (and me) into an awful mess that is going to be very painful for her to get out of - no matter which option she chooses. She keeps taking the easier path (at that particular moment) and it keeps getting her deeper and deeper. You would think by now she would recognize that in the 8 months since she's started this relationship, her life has gone nowhere but downhill. You read all these articles about affairs never being worth it and she is stuck thinking that she is the exception - even though the evidence is showing otherwise.

4. I am not necessarily pinning my hopes on the OMs actions (he obviously struggles with boundaries too). I fully recognize that any meaningful action has to come from her.

5. For what its worth, she has recognized that she needs to talk with a counselor and told me that she would be making an appointment with a DB coach this week. I don't know what they provide to a WAS but I assume they are pro-marriage from that side of the coin as well. I told her that she's welcome to my sessions as long as she doesn't waste them and that the person she talked to would probably encourage her to at least strongly consider working on her marriage. She said she knew that and that's the perspective she's looking for.