Dingo, you are getting awesome advice from Sandi..... I am in a similar boat, however getting a different perspective on my thread... (probably because I didn't understand and couldn't grasp things, until this weekend)... Its weird, when you read another's story, you can see the advice so much clearer.... Maybe if you read mine, you may pick up some valuable tips.
I particularly like what sandi said:
"I will warn you about something. Don't get into her accusing you of seeing someone else, or whatever she said was why you didn't answer her email. That is the same as putting pressure on you to make sure you prove to her you are always there for her! Never make any promises, never swear you won't see someone or do anything you choose to do! I don't know the tone she used, but she was fishing again.
Leave her wondering! You don't have to give an account. You have not been the one unfaithful. "
I wonder, if she would say the same in my sitch? Just this past weekend, My h went "fishing" for these answers from me, as he says that "thinking/believing" I was dating made him make the decisions he has made (to try to move on)...or is THAT BS!! and reaching for an excuse to lessen the guilt of his dating scene? I wonder if it was "wrong" to inform him that I am not dating. I TOTALLY proved to him that I WAS STILL HERE (oops)...therefore he can carry the guilt? Or did telling him I am not dating also give him a sense of relief and is now consistently being nicer & way more responsive towards me (and has said he is considering reconciliation, but "doesn't know")..... hmmmmmm, things to think about.
Over the weekend, I gave my h the "boundary" speech... to which I thought was part of DB'ing.... although on my thread it is considered a controlling ultimatum (and I am told not to do)....this is confusing to me, as I was not intentional on the controlling part, but to state/protect myself. Just this past weekend, I also invited h to spend time at my place just to hang out, when he declined (disappointed) as I felt that I had laid all my cards on the table that said "here I am waiting and waiting"... so when he texted me later that night I said "can't chat, heading out"... it was the truth, but a bit of reality to say and to bring myself back into the position "i haven't been dating, but Im putting myself in a place that it may happen". Hopefully, he doesn't see it as a game, but the reality.
When Sandi says "Now listen carefully please, if your fear is greater than your dignity as a man......then she can see it. I promise you she will never be attracted to you if you operate from a position of fear. You will never be "enough" for her and she will continue to search for the next AP.".... I have this exact fear too, so reading it on your thread was clear... WE do not want to look pathetic/desperate...its not attractive to them.
As Paul19501 suggests.... both your wife and my h, are keeping their options open. This [censored]. And like you, I do not know how to be or respond.... I will however, value myself FIRST and know that I deserve better than this state of confusion.
I really like how Sandi suggests this for you, I wonder if she would suggest the same to me (it may conflict what others on my thread suggest...or maybe more of the same): "you need to speak up and let her know that "you" are the one who needs space from her now. Tell her "you" need to think about what "you" want from this point forward, and to do what is best for "you".
Sound a little self-centered? It's okay. I am saying all of this hoping you won't do it just as a tactic to get the girl in the end, but b/c you get your eyes opened and stop making everything about her. You may even have to spell it out and tell her, "W, this is about me and what I deserve, and I deserve to have a wife who loves me completely and I don't have to worry about her being faithful".
I hope this does not come across as a hijack on your thread. I just wanted to pop in and say that the advice you are getting differs from mine (its a different angle, but ALL GOOD)... I like all the advice, comments and welcome Sandi's opinion/experience too.
Good luck Dingo, I will continue to read on!!!
Magic
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
