i'm throwing this out there this morning- something i find myself "saying" in a letter and thinking in general (i'd guess).
This business of my mother being 89, crabby as heck, ill? either giong to live to be 115 or who knows, may die tomorrow, my h either going to be here in my life til i croak- or gone tomorrow-etc.
I FIND myself saying that i feel "honor bound" to see it thru. it's this (maybe nutty) outlook i seem to have roaming around in my brain somewhere - that pops out and surprises me.
i THINK i'm here with h , in this life that "used to be" so great- was ratty for bunch of years with me not really "seeing" what was going on, & being understanding - to now, he's pleasant and companionable when we are together- which is not most of the time - wtf???
same deal with my mother- she's mostly awful most of the time. I'd buy into the whole "it's her age, memory & health" thing- EXCEPT it's been like this for 20 years. since i came back up to nj and began spending time back in her life. she is an unhappy woman (i guess) who has spent her last 20 or so years ranting and railing against the unfairnesses of her life- she's mad, always, she's jealous to think i have "had it easy" because "i have h" and "what do i know?" . resentful that she thinks i haven't suffered enough- not like her!! (no one hs) BUT has no pity or empathy for my two sisters that ended up divorced and with kids to support- no matter what -IT';S ALWAYS DIFFERENT.
SHE IS AN angry woman- . She was a good mom, i had happy memories until i came back up here. HUGE MISTAKE APPARENTLY- who woulda knew.?? oh yeah- all the people and common wisdom tha says "you can never go home" - well oops - true enough.
BUT IT'S seeming to be a "theme " with me. this business of "seeing it thru" and "honor bound".
so i'm askin ya all- am i nuts or what? to be here dbing and not chucking this life with h - not chucking h - because we had soooo many wonderful years - (during which he may or may not have been cheating and i never knew- that is a big problem) - i feel like i've got to give it all every possible chance til i run away screaming or die,. (wewllk or he does) question is why??????.
same deal with my mother. i know you're all scratching your heads- saying what the heck is new here??? nothin - will you ever get out of this loop of "explaining" "apologizing" etc. about your stupid life and your stupid R's and get on with something????
i can't get to teh feeling that it is that "easy" - to walk away from anything. to walk away from these two toxic r's that i seem locekdd into at the moment.
true h being around paying bills enables me to "do my duty" toward this 89 year old , memory deficient , woman who does, occasionally thank me for coming over. (and have apleasant life of course) she's not a total ogre- i feel guilty as i paint her- it's accurate tho. she is pretty much a complaint/criticism machine going on full tilt most of the time.
i get it that some people (her & H?) can only SHARE THE BAD NEWS - THAT TO say or share anything good would somehow diminish them. that they are nuts and messed up in the head (sorry- my own view) but that doesn't make them pu4re evil or anything.
for better or worse (see- what i say when i'm not over-thinking it) i'm studk with them. in life- til it is "the end" . somehow- someway.
SOOOO- WTF is that anyway. am i nut and masochist - or a great guy for my loyalty in the face of adversity?? oooor - IS IT MY "kid self" seeking the security of SOMEONE - ANYONE rather than just be old me on my own.
i'm all "down" with this business of taking care of self in crunch- no body really was around when i left old h-got a apartment- and paid my way in a different state/town THAN WHERE i grew up. nobody was there first christmas all alone- no one cared- poor as pooh - I GET IT- I DID IT- I CAN REMEMBER.....(woo hoo- whatta man i can be- no glory in it-just ws what it was)
JUST cause we do stuff WE HAve to, when the chips are down- doesn't mean we have to look forward to it- or embrace it- ONE STINNKING MINUTE before we HAVE to- as in , reality crashes down around you forcing you todo what you must... like caregiving in the face of someone elses near-death health crisis- you do your best in an extreme and extremely uncomfotable- out of your depth- situation-
so- as usual- i guess here's me, neurotic old thing- "defending" myself and "explaining" myself- and doing it of my own volition- so, like, what the he!! -
i am wondering if i ever will feel like i don't need to explain one darn thing to any darn old anyone.
WELL- THAT BEING SAID- heren i am, and if i had to say, i'm explaining to myself what the heck i'm doing and thinking- like i don't know - like i am not soooo abso-f'ing-lutely SURE of what i'm doing, where i'm heading, etc.
idk universe. i am looking out the window- just stood up and an hour ago the world was old regular black street, etc. - ugly old winter and THIS MINUTE- I TURN AROUND A KABAM- IT'S WONDERFUL AND MAGICAL OUTSIDE- SNOW AN INCH OR SO DEEP- BEAUTIFUL - SUCKING ME OUT THE DOOR TO GO WALK WHILE IT'S FALLING AND BEFORE IT GETS UGGED UP BY CARS!! W HO CANNOT NOT BE IMPRESSED.
I KEEP having this feeling that - neu4rosis aside- stupidity aside (get those bad possibilities out of the way) loyalty aside- insanity & devotion to (possibly) total loser relationships that were great and went serioyusly down the tube (of course- due to unworthy recipient of my affections - rather than my own issues) (natch!!) - ta da, still find myself feeling o kay with me and sorta happy and sorta optimistic about the futurwe. tho, honestly- i can't see one minute of it.
i can't see further than a walk in this beaty- and dreading my stupid angry sister calling this morning- (she's at my mom's here in town to take her to a dr. appt) calling and somehow ambushing me into receiving another tongue-lashing.
nuts huh? that i can still recapture the notion i am pretty much "a happy person" despite my life being full , it seems, of wierd-stressful relationships WITH the main players. it's something- i'm not sure what. it's bettter thana the misery fog- i hope i'm somewhere i can stay-
i'm grateful not to feel miserable rite niow - so , like, my matra " nothing bad is happening at this minute - so everything is alright" right???
i'm not sure that all made sense- i'm just going to submit it be cause i do not even want tor e-read- and if i'm merely wacky- idk.
orrr- am i such a sad little person, second child, caregiver, crowd pleaser that i ammmm need6y and need someone to say- good girl- nope, you're not a sucker and glutton for punishment- or greedy b!tch, or whatever the heck? the field is wide open isn't it? i can be wonderful or totally reprehensible- and who can see self clearly sometimes???
okay- i 'm gonna go play in the darn snow and the he!! with it all- messy attic, messy life, messy r, messy mlc, i'm going to work on this lovely old quilt top i'm "saving" and will be a pleasure to own & use- and i'm going to walk in the snow- and i'm not going to worry about anything- (at least this minute- i'm feelin excited about ths snow and how pretty the wrold is.!!
