Newbie needs help:husband left Saturday

[job]

dxw689 created a separate post looking for advice. Here's the link:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2426957#Post2426957

[dxw689]

Thanks for your link job and your reply on other thread - as you can tell, I am (more?) than a little desperate, so was trying to pull some notice in fast. I had been getting non-stop advice both from the boards and personal friends - and I mean, unanimous advice, to see a lawyer ASAP. The thing is, somewhat predictably, the lawyer advises filing ASAP: Because not doing so leaves ME open to the risk of a world of more financial hurt. I'm not sure I want to detail it all here - some is above in exchange with FloydMan. Emotionally, all my personal friends and family would be done with him too, as I'm sure you understand, since you know how cruelly the LBS is treated - and in this case, compounded by how the children are being involved. I get what you are saying though, that the easiest action is with OW and that is what he is going to choose right now: all his actions say so. The thing is, I feel he has gone to a great deal of trouble with his actions to say "look, there is no going back from this - I am making sure you and everyone else sees this". I don't know: I can stand in the face of a lot, but once he started using my kids, from the get-go, as pawns in his new relationship? There is an argument to be made that I can let go and detach a lot better once I stand up for myself to the BS. If he does not want to be with me anymore, I can make a happy life for myself without him. I have learned that I don't NEED him: that helps a lot (step 1). I love him and want him to come back - I would be willing to work slowly, but it is clear that is not going to happen anywhere near. And the lawyer pointed out that the paperwork takes a long time to go through- if he were willing to begin to consider reconciliation, we could pull back on the D. But if not, then what am I waiting for anyway? He has already set himself up in an entirely new family that includes my kids 2 days a week, but without me in it.

[job]

If you are absolutely sure that Divorce is the answer, then by all means file. As your lawyer pointed out, it takes a while for the paperwork to be processed, filed and signed. If you file, you can always pull the papers back. Also, the divorce decree is only a sheet of paper and if some time down the road after the divorce he wants to reconcile, there is nothing that says you can't...but remember...you will be the one to decide if you want to try to reconcile if that opportunity should arise.

Think about what you want to do and please to not allow others to make the decision for you. They are not walking in your shoes. If filing for a divorce feels like the right thing for you to do, then do it. If you have any doubt, then wait a month or so.

Keep the focus on you and your children and live your life to the fullest. If you opt to file, we'll be here to support you not matter what you decide to do.

[dxw689]

Thanks Job: This has given me a lot to think about. At heart, I do not want to file. I know this. I have to think more on this. In any event, I think I am not ready to quite have the talk I was thinking about for tomorrow with H.

[job]

You will know when you've had enough and are ready to file. Take your time and do not allow others to push you into something you are not ready to do. Until they've walked in your shoes, they will not understand everything that you are going through.

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.

[FloydMan]

Yes, I suppose I had done the Beyond the Last Resort Technique without realizing it or planning it. I told her I agree. That was a year and a half ago. I filed last year. It came up in court again last summer and all she had to do was walk down the hall and file the papers. Then it came up again last month in court as it is what she wants and in that court order we signed that the divorce will be severed on the corollary which means the decree can be done while the outstanding issues of litigation and settlement can drag on. Again, after that was over she was to walk down the hall at the court and fill out the form and sign it. I assumed she did. I found out yesterday she did not. So, in any event, I have given what she wants, done all the dirty work 3x and she has not simply signed a document to make it done. Perhaps to frustrate me, I don't know. Cannot mind read and won't. It hurt to do it, but I did. Ball is in her court ( pun intended lol ) so I am off the hook. Limbo land [censored] but in a funny way I felt liberated and became more brave and became my independent self again and assured that I don't need her. It is a roll of the dice DX and I am not sure of process and financial protection in your jurisdiction as opposed to here in Ontario where it is screwy. Best advice would be from good lawyer on that front.
Keep brave. He has made up his mind but is chicken to do his. He seems to be the needy one that cannot bear it alone, even for a while or the good of his kids. Jerk. You are a star in my mind.

[canyou?]

hi there -- I think there is a chance I can give some tips. My wife of 20 years told me in September that she was done, so I am 4.5 months into this challenge. We have three little girls and what I thought was a pretty great life. In a period of about thirty minutes everything we had together was no longer important, needed, or wanted.

Right after this happened I tried to find a support structure via forums on-line - just to see what I could do to help my wife work though what she was going through. NOT a good thing to do without researching the site first. My goal is to recover my marriage and the woman I love. You will find several sites that tell you the wise thing to do is go directly from marriage to an attorney. I found these sites bitter and ugly.

So here are the tips, some of which I learned the hard way:

1. try to stop, as quickly as possible, your internal conversation about what you did and when you did it that caused the end of your marriage. As your husband is not talking about what he is thinking, you will have an urge to try to think for him. Then, if you are like me, you will seek validation. This is a death spiral and it will become very, very difficult for you (not him). I think it is the case that your husband and my wife are processing so much right now there is little to no room for us. I am now 100% okay with this, but it took some time and error to get here.

2. ask yourself "do you love <him> enough to be generous and put your hurt aside?" I found this question on another site. I use it when I need to get my head right. It has become my motto -- and it works if you can continue to say "yes!"

3. consider the fact (and I do mean fact here) that whatever you are feeling and mentally processing is not near what he is. I am finding with my wife that she is questioning everything about her life, and I do mean every single thing -- everything. I believe she is in a place much more difficult than I am. I can already list my priorities in order: children, self, house, job. There is absolutely no way she can do this.

4. there is good information on this site about moving on. Understand that moving on does not mean you are leaving your husband, or giving up on your marriage. It simply means, to me anyway, that in order to be strong enough for him, you, and your children you must begin to consider a different kind of life. I have been having fun with this. For example, going on Zillow and seeing how much homes cost in other areas "where I always wanted to be." Even though I know in my heart that I never want to be anywhere other than where she is.

5. Stop talking about the separation with him. As far as I can tell my wife is not processing consequences at all. This was very hard early on, but now I understand it. There is so much emotional turmoil that there is no room to consider what might happen if things progress(ie. for her, things are so bad now how on earth can they be worse).

6. learn patience and learn it quickly! If you can do this and slow your brain down a bit, you will absolutely see glimmers of your husband poking through the crisis. It is absolutely the case that he is in a transition to a new and different life. If you are like me, I wish she had given me the opportunity to like, or hate, the changes -- but she didn't. I am okay with this now.

7. accept the fact that you are now on the outside looking in at the person you love -- for this period of time you are no longer going through life's challenges together. As far as I can tell, the breakthrough will occur when my wife accepts me in the role that I have always had - always there for her, always committed, always believing in her, always ready to battle any challenge.

8. regardless of what things look like, accept that fact that YOU are the support structure during this challenge - for him, the children, and for you. Take strength in this.

9. many sites, including this one, will advise you "to take care of yourself." I find this a little too easily stated. But there are a few things that helped me: eat full and balanced meals which will help settle your stomach; try not to drink too much alcohol, if any at all, as it seems to make you think more, not less, about the issues and they seem to get hazy; stop apologizing for what you like to do -- for example, I love hanging out with the girls, but during this time with my wife I have been told "you do not have enough friends." While I would not say it now to her (it would make things much worse), I now respond to myself "I love hanging out with the girls -- this is what I WANT TO DO."

10. change the things that you think need changing, keeping in mind that what your husband has going on in his MLC has very little to do with you. You just happened to be the other adult in the room when the poop hit the fan.

11. Absolutely, positively, DO NOT try to help heal him. Remember, you are the problem, so helping heal him makes no sense to the person suffering the most (him).

12. Remember that sex is sex and intimacy is intimacy. He is having only sex with his new partner. Real intimacy is what you create over 20 years with a person you love. It is not the other way around ...

[dxw689]

FloydMan, have read and re-read your post. You are a star in my mind as well. Why she is stringing you along like this is unfathomable to me, just as why my husband wants to seem to almost have 2 families at once. poster on the other thread asked me how I saw my sitch as cake-eating, although of course probably hadn't read the details on what I went through over Christmas- and more stuff that continues to this day. Something builds up in there minds that they deserve it after years of holding out for better? Or just plain cowards? I get now that he felt he wasn't getting the affection he deserved. Have really tried to remedy that, have treated him kindly in all this and am walking the walk to remain open-hearted and open-minded: also is leaving me open to more hurt though. Well, husband just took kids for overnight - plan for now is for me to stay dark for most of the week until I see him for next event involving kids - later this week. Then I may have the conversation that I hear what you're saying that you don't want to be with me anymore - if you're ready to talk about divorce, then I am too.

[willbwell]

I go back and forth with the D question. papers have been filed but no movement. It is almost like h wants me to push it forward.
I see now why so many people go thru with D. Standing, being in limbo is hard. I am doing my own thing as far as me and the kids. I try and act 'as if' h is not coming back. I still want h to come back though. something inside of me is not wanting to let go even though letting go is what I need to do !

[dxw689]

Oh willbwell and FloydMan: I am so sorry for your situations - and in so much pain in mine. I had the discussion with husband this morning that I was ready to talk about divorce. I had a Superbowl party to go to at my sister's so I was able to avoid obsessing, but now that I'm home, I can't get off of it and sleep. I am so upset about the finances: I will have to forfeit a large part of my retirement and savings to keep the house - and he is the one who cheated and moved out. I just cannot get my mind around this: I am so upset - my stomach is back to that feeling of nauseous anxiety I had when he first announced he was going to leave. I want to keep the marriage together, but I realized, I just cannot live with a long term of him in another house with another woman, having my kids stay with them 2 nights a week, all the while he is still married to me. With the realization that you teach people how you want to be treated, I cannot continue to be treated like this. While I thought I had a chance of winning him back, yes, but when he has been living with OW with my kids - no: he is sending a signal that there is no going back and if I continue to ignore that with no acknowledgment or discussion, that is just denial. In discussion, I was raising which methods of divorce are cheapest and fastest and he said something to the effect of not needing to hurry - reminds me of you situation, FloydMan, in how little he seems to value marriage and now that he is all set up, what it might mean for me to be kept in this state. I am not comfortable just ignoring whether I am still married or not in terms of when I am comfortable to move on. I am so upset about what he is modeling for our children in this regard. It is not solely a religious objection, it is just one of simple respect.