I guess that I am really starting to think whether I actually want my H back in my life. Even if my H wanted to R, would I ever be able to go to Vegas/anywhere and have a blast without worrying if H would get out of control? Would he address his drinking problem?
I know that there are no answers to these questions, but I need to start thinking about whether I want my H and not just whether my H wants me. The one thing that I do know, is that I feel better about myself. There was nothing wrong with me. I was just trying to cope with a problem that was out of my control.
I am actually going through the same mental process. W was often belittling to me in public and has been embarrassing on several occasions. I still am processing everything. We didn't have drugs, or drinking or cheating as problems, but indifference and respect were real issues. I don't want to do that again and I am not sure how much things can actually change.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
My H is making it really difficult to go dim this month. My H was out of town this weekend. He sent several texts on Saturday with pictures to share with the boys. I shared the pictures with the boys but did not respond.
Before the start of the game, H called from the stadium. I answered because I assumed that he wanted to talk to the boys. H was actually calling to show me the view from their seats. They wound up having amazing seats and I was genuinely happy for them. I am a HUGE sports fan and that is something that H and I always shared. H sent a few more texts after the game and I wrote back once and just said that I was glad they had a good time.
I woke up in the middle of the night because of this cold I cant shake. I looked at my phone to check the time and saw that H had called and also sent a text saying "what are you doing." It was 230 am. What does he think I was doing?
I actually think that it was easier when H hated me and refused to talk. This one foot in and one foot out game is so hard. I am just getting tired of it.
I hope you have your 2x4s ready for this one...I logged onto FB. After weeks of avoiding it, I logged on. And what did I find ... comments from OW all over H's and BIL's posts (they all work together). All innocent comments but I just hate that H continues to let her be in his life. I think that I just needed to see that NOTHING has really changed.
I am getting used to my life without H. My weekend alone with the boys was nice and simple. I miss simple.
H just sent me a text saying that he was calling in the middle of the night to tell me that he was eating White Castle Hamburgers. Seriously? I am currently ignoring him.
So clearly H does not respect my prior boundary that I have failed to enforce that I dont want to be friends if he is in a R with OW. I know that this is my fault.
Do I just ignore his texts and go dim? Or do I say something to H? I dont want him to think that I am freaking about because we ML last week because it honestly has nothing to do with that. What do I do?
I looked back at my phone and I am pretty sure that H did not mean to send the "what are you doing text" to me. It was an hour after his phone call. It made me angry, so I asked myself why. And the answer is because H put me in a situation where I have to question whether a text was intended for me or for OW. I am SO done with this crap. I deserve so much better.
You are on his roller coaster 3b....You also know that you have to get off for your sanity.
As for the call and text...Let's be serious. Unless you are one of those people who stays up to 1-2 every night...Then why be disrespectful and do either to you? Seriously....You spent the day raising three boys. It doesn't matter if the calls were to you or the OW in the end.....They more represent a boundary crossing of basic human respect. You have your day to day life and that needs to be respected.
As for the boundary you made....Boundaries are only as strong you are. The stronger your boundaries are....the more they will be respected and successful. You know at a minimum that contact continues with OW.....So that means a cease to your friendship with your H....So really the only communications should be about kids and finances and definitely not about late night drunk burgers at white castle.
Be strong...Don't respond to text of a personal nature and live your life.
You do deserve better. He needs to be a big boy and accept that I'm can't have his fantasy of having you both.
You got comfortable and let the boundaries drop. Ok time to put them back up. Remind him how you feel about being friends with him while he is involved with OW.
I think I got one of those mistake texts once and it haunted me for weeks. I'm sorry.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Only have time for a quick note right now, but wanted to let you know, no 2x4s here. I have come to realize that there is a time and place for "snooping." I wouldn't even really call it snooping to look on FB since it's for public consumption.
Over the past few days, I have looked up my H on match.com. (Though I could log in AS him, I don't.) I don't really look at much, just notice whether he is online or not. (There is a big "ONLINE NOW" thing that comes on the screen.) He is online ALL THE TIME. I mean he stays up late on match.com. He is on at work. He is on after work.
I look at it to remind myself that he is some totally foreign person to me. And that I deserve better. AND, that if prowling match.com 24/7 is his idea of happiness, I know I can never give that to him.
Just wanted to throw that out there - you are not alone, and sometimes, I think maybe just checking up on them (not snooping) may even help with detachment.
More later, gotta run to L appt.!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
You are on his roller coaster 3b....You also know that you have to get off for your sanity.
Thanks LFW. You have no idea how much I needed your response today! I know that you are right. I need and WANT to get off his roller coaster. While he does not know what he wants, I know that I want better than what he currently has to offer. Just trying to figure out the best way to approach this...whether to just stop responding and/or address it directly with H. Since my H already knows the boundary, I agree with your suggestion to just ignore texts of a personal nature and live my life. No need to repeat the boundary to H since he does not listen anyway. Thanks again.
You got comfortable and let the boundaries drop. Ok time to put them back up. Remind him how you feel about being friends with him while he is involved with OW.
I think I got one of those mistake texts once and it haunted me for weeks. I'm sorry.
Julie - I am so sorry to hear that you also received an mistaken text. It never even crossed my mind because I cant imagine doing the same thing to my H. Talk about naive on my part.
Just wanted to throw that out there - you are not alone, and sometimes, I think maybe just checking up on them (not snooping) may even help with detachment.
You are right M!! I was not snooping, just reminding myself of the reality of my sitch I really did need a physical reminder of the OW's presence in my H's life. You cant deny it when it is right in front of your face. My H's behavior towards me has changed over the past few weeks (leaving cupcakes, calling/texting more). But none of it matters until he is done with the OW. Every time I feel like I take a step forward, I get knocked back. But I also know that it what needs to happen to keep growing and changing.
I have been thinking about switching from yoga to kickboxing for a bit in order to get out some anger
I really did need a physical reminder of the OW's presence in my H's life. You cant deny it when it is right in front of your face. My H's behavior towards me has changed over the past few weeks (leaving cupcakes, calling/texting more). But none of it matters until he is done with the OW. Every time I feel like I take a step forward, I get knocked back. But I also know that it what needs to happen to keep growing and changing.