Hey J, I was thinking. Yea, I know, never a good thing. LOL!
You know when you were a kid and you played tug of war? And your team pulls on one end and the other team pulls and then eventually one side tries so hard to win and cant so they just let go?
Yea, her team let go. And you went a tumblin.
So, you cant undo what happened. But you can learn a whole lot from it, right?
Here's how I feel about that. If something happened in which I didnt behave the way I wanted to for whatever reason, as long as I took away from it what I needed to, I was ok.
But if I didnt take what I learned and used it moving forward, well, then, shame on me, right?
So, you learned that she knows exactly which buttons to push. You learned that when she does, you have the potential to act a certain way. You learned that you are a work in progress and that you are human. You learned that it didnt feel good to act in that manner.
Now gather it all up and figure out what you are going to do differently in the future.
I always say, that each day I want to be the person I choose to be, some days I make it, some I dont, but that should always be the goal.
So, you have learned some valuable stuff. Now put it behind you or it weighs you down, stops you from moving forward.
Back on your path you go, JF. Be the amazing man you have become.
J, have you noticed how many people want you to succeed? How many people have "been there, done that" ?
How many people totally get what you're talking about and have walked in those shoes with varying degrees of "success" (depending how YOU define success?)
You're in good company, brother.
Next time call him first. Right in the middle of her trying to take control, when you feel yourself starting to lose it. Kind of like an al-anon buddy system. Call. You'll be happier that way.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Maybe you'll have one of those dreams I d the other night J! I pushed Smokey down a flight of stairs. It was wonderful. Watched him topple like a rag doll. It was very satisfying. And, no consequences! Just a dream.
I know I want you to succeed. :-) u will.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Breathe....get off the dirt and pull your pants back on. She smacked you good and you responded. You knew it was coming....and backslide a bit. No biggie and definitely not worth beating yourself up over.
How to deal with those situations...Contact Mach, but I will share a quote I remember when assaulted verbally;
Steve: Being called a c******cker isn't personal?
Dalton: No. It's two nouns combined to elicit a prescribed response.
Steve: What if somebody calls my mama a wh***?
Dalton: Is she?
She got her prescribed response....Learn from it so you are prepared to deal with it next time.
Be strong Jfun....The real fun hasn't even started yet and you are doing great.
As for the last line "is she?"......Are you what she said? Think about that one.
Thanks so much for all the words of wisdom. Back on the horse last night. The roller coaster is a ridiculous thing to watch. W spent last night doing things she has rarely done since BD. Steam cleaning the upstairs bathroom, steam mopping the entire upstairs, washing her clothes, and then playing video game with S12. Most activity in a long time. Incredible show.
The ride is making me weary at this point. I've done a very poor job of keeping up my exercise routine during the winter. That has to be fixed. I'm going to be very busy over the next week or so with the job move. Hopefully that will keep my mind occupied.
As far as recreating her family dynamics, that is spot on. She doesn't know anything else.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Dude. Get back to the exercise asap. The cleaning and such? That seems within the realm of normalcy for this type of thing. I've seen similar as have many on this board.
Fight (because I'm angry and you're close). Accuse (because it can't be me; I'd be crazy if it was) Blame (anyone but me). Now relax (cause I feel relieved of the pressure and I feel heard).
My daughter picked up on that cycle early on. My ex wasn't sleeping, had back acne and other stress related ailments. She was living upstairs in the spare bedroom. I gravitated toward engaging in the fights and new even then that it was a pressure release for her. My daughter noticed it to. She told me once, "daddy, you need to pick a fight with mom so she'll release some of that pressure again. She's acting funny." I had to tell her no. Her mom would have to figure it out for herself. I wasn't going to be her punching bag any longer.
That was a few months after BD. But much of what you described is exactly what I saw in that period of time. Many of those on these boards that are able to retain their marriages, were able to wait that out. Eventually their spouses would tell them that they weren't angry at them. It was something else they were struggling with. My spouse left before that, but it's not uncommon to hear around here or in the alt.
While you're exercising, remember this question:
Quote:
As for the last line "is she?"......Are you what she said? Think about that one.
That's a great way to frame the questions as she throws them at you.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Just been really busy with moving 16 years worth of stuff from one job to the next. 2.5 mike run this morning got my day started well. W has been super cold for the last week. Basically just ignoring my existence. That means no spew at least. Her keys got locked in the van one day this week and she had S12 call me instead of doing it herself. 1.5 hours of driving in the middle of my day did at least get an "I'm sorry" and "Thank you." Wasn't expexting that.
Yesterday was all day in 2 gyms watching my boys play bball. W and I did not sit together and maybe traded 10-15 words all day long. My mother even tried to move one time so W could sit with me. I just told mom that it was fine. Kinda hard to hide things from a mother.
Of course, we ate with MIL and the family after bball games. W then tried to pick a fight with me after we got home about why I was being nice to her. Really? She actually said "Why are you being so nice to me?" You can't make this stuff up.
Opened up my own checking account this week so that we could divide bill paying. Trying to get things under control and take some of the burden. New job starts tomorrow, S12 has another bball game, and today is Super Bowl Sunday. Plenty to be happy about.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Why are you being nice? Really. Huh. If this was any other forum, I'd have wondered WTF. But that's pretty much par for the course around here. She may be getting an inkling to realize it's not you that's the problem. She won't believe that of course. Not likely yet.
Keep doing what you're doing, J. You got this.
Who are you rooting for? I had a kid at church tell me today, when I asked that question, that he was just interested in whoever had the best colors. Kids
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
