Don't know if im on the edge anymore or not....

[sandi2]

I'm not making myself understood about the email response.  Forget about what was said or not said for a minute.  Just take your focus off the words in your response for right now.  The issue or point I was trying to get across was I thought you were going to stop contacting and you had decided to give her space.  I thought you were going to stop being available when she called, TM, or emailed.  I was trying my best to encourage and support you through what we knew was going to be like "withdrawal pains" for you.  The fact you didn't answer her first two, three or ever how many emails is not a drop in the bucket!  I got the impression you thought that was enough time to merit breaking the NC.
You have been giving all kinds of rationalizations about it.

You have to make up your mind. Dingo, about your plan of action.  You may think you've had one or have been sticking to one, but It has to be longer than a week or so. It's like a weight loss diet, if you decide to eat sugar every few days, you aren't going to achieve your desired goal.

 You say you have clearly laid out your boundary and do not feel it needs to be said again.  I believe you said it had been told to her too many times as is.  I agree!  But the problem is she doesn't buy it b/c she is seeing a man who is too eager to come running when he hears from her.  I'm trying to tell you what it is like from her POV and that mindset of a WAW who has one foot in an A and one foot in the M.  Sweetie you have to be tough and firm b/c she has to see a man with strength and integrity.  And, it is possible, and i think necessary, to do that without being mean, nasty, or cold-hearted.  But your fear of losing her is over-riding everything else.....and has been since
you first found out about the A. Until you deal with your fear, I don't think you will be able to be a confident man who stops making this all about her and finally decides to take space for himself to think about what he deserves. And you do deserve to have a W who loves you more than some possible OM right around the next corner. She has admitted this OM may not be the one, but she wants to see if there is another one. Do want to live the rest of your life snooping around to see if she has found that other person? Now listen carefully please, if your fear is greater than your dignity as a man......then she can see it. I promise you she will never be attracted to you if you operate from a position of fear. You will never be "enough" for her and she will continue to search for the next AP.

So make up your mind what you want, so we can keep up.  We know she can't stay on the same decision for two days straight, but I read one night you weren't responding and the next time I looked......wham! Just remember I'm not the bad guy here, okay?  I really do want to help and have an idea so don't let me forget to go back and talk about
it.

Okay, I will try to answer those questions:

1. Are you suggesting that before I respond to my wife in any
way, shape or form, that she has to begin a conversation with
something along the lines of 'the affair is over, I want to
re-commit'?

I don't know if that is directed at me or Bug, but I don't remember suggesting any particular words she must use to began her conversations,  However, I agree with what Melissa said.  If she really was fed up with OM and has once and for all ended the A, I doubt she would have used the words she did with you.  You saw her message as "missing you" but I don't think we women saw that at all. When thethings with OM is finally over, and she is no longer playing games (maybe she wants to date others to see, etc) and is serious about never wanting to lay eyes on him again as long as she lives (if she even mentioms his name. And btw, this has to be different than her getting mad at him and turning back to you out of spite to him. That is why you cannot wait around to think this other guy is going to step out of the picture and make things easy for you. He is not your problem! This is what I try to tell the LBH'S, and even she has said she may shop around if it doesn't work out with him.

Some women don't talk about the AP when the A has ended, but you will get a softer, more humble, sounding email.  If you had been doing what you should have done since it first happened, she would know that you havenothing to discuss with her unless she has ended the A.That was the boundary. Wasn't it?  What is there to talk a out if there is a third person in the M?  This other stuff from her about meeting up to talk? I think
it will be more of the same you experienced before. You are wanting to see or read meaning into it that's not there.......b/c things have not "processed" yet?

2. Is this realistic? Does this actually happen after weeks/months of no contact/ignored attempts at contact? Or is it more realistic for the WAS to approach slowly, maybe ask to meet up to discuss it in person?

Yes, it is realistic after she ends things and stops the notion of shopping around for someone better. That second part of your question is the mindset of a LBH, and sound reasonable, doesn't it. But you have not been out of her life enough for her to get through the process a WAW in an A needs to do. You are wishfully thinking you can meet up and slowly get around to R. She has to have a longer time without dingo in her life. When she contacted you, it was a hook, and you bit.

I have already answered questions 3 & 4.

5. Where in my response or in any of my subsequent posts did it come across that I wanted to be her friend as opposed to just being friendly?

Again, I am not referring to the words in your response. You bit the hook and she is reeling you in. Look how much time, focus, and energy you have put I to rationalizing your response and the whole friendship thing. Look at how much time I have tried to help you get your head on straight after just one response to her.

Finally, it will not work to try to be her friend at this point and time of the process. You deceive yourself and It confuses her vision of your boundary! I don't know what else to say to get you to see it. . After a much longer period of NC and space........then you might try, but for now, you will get more of the same b/c nothing has changed!