Just noticed I posted mid thought a few posts ago (Rushing out to work and I jumped the gun)
I was going to say that I made an effort to introduce some civil niceties back into house this morning. My good morning what's up was greeted with a "leave me alone. " so much for that.
Then he was getting ready to take puppy to park and I asked if our old dog had been out. H said no and wasn't going to do it because of all those years he did it when I was running late or was too tired or too busy. .poor dog has been left for the "other dog"
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Allowed myself to have an expectation and got crushed. Last night H was surprisingly "normal". He asked if I would like him to cook me breakfast in morning. (That was our Sunday tradition pre BD). We joked a little about 1 item on his menu. I said thanks that would be nice. When I went to bed he actually said good night.
Fast forward to this morning. He makes breakfast for everyone but me. When I tried to ask him about plans for kids today while I worked He wouldn't look up from his phone for a second to talk to me.
Why do I get sucked in?
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Maybe I was so starved for kindness from him that I globbed onto any small offering. I cried when he scraped my car. Pathetic. And nowhere near detached.
And I am embarrassed to admit that somewhere in the back of my head or bottom of heart I have the fantasy of H coming to me and saying "I am so sorry I made such a mistake. I am going into substance abuse treatment and giving up OW who, by the way, doesn't hold a candle to you. " pathetic again
But..even though I am no where as detached as I thought I am in a much better place than 4 months ago.
I am a better parent. Before I relied on H to help me deal with s's behavior in public. I rarely took s any where without h. Now we are trying new things and I am committed to getting s out into the world. While I am terrified of how s will respond to 2 residences I am being proactive and talking to his docs and therapists now about how to help him adjust.
I have also become a better friend. The efforts I have made to be more positive and optimistic are not noticed by H but they are noticed by others.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
I want you to know that I didn't ask that question in a mocking way but sometimes it's good to answer these tough ones. Too often we don't slow down to really think about our actions or our choices.
And you do have choices.
Your H may do those things you hope for but he'll do them in his time. You have no control of that.
In the meantime, you build a life of your own with S. Doesn't mean you're giving up hope you're just taking care of you and giving H room to live his life.
You can do this, Julie.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
And I am embarrassed to admit that somewhere in the back of my head or bottom of heart I have the fantasy of H coming to me and saying "I am so sorry I made such a mistake. I am going into substance abuse treatment and giving up OW who, by the way, doesn't hold a candle to you. " pathetic again
Julie, that is not at all pathetic! We ALL have thoughts like that after BD. Some heal, detach and move on faster than others, but that's OK, you are on YOUR schedule. Keep GAL'ing and working on you. Each time your H does something like this then mentally log it, so that the next time you'll remember to drop the expectations. This is a long path with many setbacks, the key is to keep bouncing back from the setbacks and moving forward. Each setback makes you a little stronger.
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While I am terrified of how s will respond to 2 residences I am being proactive and talking to his docs and therapists now about how to help him adjust.
Good, in that case you have no reason to be scared, you're doing more than most in your sitch do
Thanks Bug and AS. I do feel good about being proactive re:s...that being said we had a really crabby morning and I hate that he has to go through this at all.
Major tantrum screaming, hitting, throwing, spitting out meds and hysterically crying for Daddy. It is heart breaking. I don't know what he understands other than Daddy is around a lot less.
I wonder if H will ever be able to look back at this time and acknowledge the mess he helped create.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Hey Julie- Isn't it hard to remember that normal thinking of someone and sending them a text could be pursuing? I still sometimes feel like I'm second guessing myself.
You H seems to be cycling back and forth with his anger. I just posted on my thread that I've been questioning MLC with my H.
I'm not suggesting this about your H, or saying that it even changes how you handle your sitch, but it made me feel less crazy. It helped for me to see my H behavior line up with MLC and to have a template for what's to come...kind of.
I kept feeling like the anger and cycling behavior didn't match the threads I follow of WAS-my H was more extreme. Now I finally feel like I have a grasp on my sitch.
Maybe look into that and see what you think.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
