It's so hard dealing with someone who does not think and feel like a healthy person. I find that I have to adjust my normal response and actions. I'm on hyper alert when I am in contact with him. I hate it.
I received escrow checks following my refinancing that were made payable to xh. Ugh! After the hours of attorney time it took just to get xh to sign a simple title document the thought of contacting him for his signature again was dreadful. But, with a settlement conference coming up I thought that maybe he wouldn't want another strike against him. I guess I was right or maybe not. It's impossible to know. Xh quickly and cordially responded to my email. He suggested that I leave the checks on the porch (I signed them over to me so he can't run off with them) and he would come by to sign them and leave the February support check as well.
I fully expected him to make a claim for the money or refuse to sign or just ignore my request all together. When he is nice it's hard not to allow myself to get sucked back in, believing he is different than he is. I have to keep everything on a business level, but what I really want to do is respond with warmth and kindness. I can't. He sees that as weakness and the whole cycle starts again. I have to remind myself that until he has intense therapy he won't change. Even then, with his type of disorder, the prognosis is poor. But, I believe he has moments when he is genuine, without motive. I just don't know when they are. So, my guard has to be up at all times. It's so hard to be this way with someone I loved for so long.
Xh inquired about seeing the boys when he stopped by. They don't want contact with him. I know it hurts him, but he doesn't understand the hurt he has caused them. The little bit of contact he wishes he had with them is for him, not them. He doesn't understand their feelings or want to care for them in a fatherly way. That became very apparent in counseling. So, like me, the boys are guarded. They want to love their father, but understand that they won't get real love in return. He's not capable. It hurts. We pray he will get he help he needs so that some type of relationship can be formed in the future. For now he is still stuck in a destructive cycle. He is nice to try and get a response that he wants, but turns mean when he doesn't get it. He then rants to the attorneys and me. We just went through this is December. He sent a nasty email to my attorney that was full of blame. Two days later he wishes me a happy new year full of peace and happiness. That was amazing coming from someone who is the cause of so much grief and turmoil.
