P - I had to have the same convo with my H. I had to tell him that he could not come into the house and take a shower, eat dinner or do his laundry. The first week or two he would try and push the boundary (ask if he could take shower, etc). When he realized it was going to stick, he just dropped it. I know that he still does not like it because he mentions it every once in a while. The weird thing is that he admits that my house no longer feels like his house.
So why do they care? My H cared because he wants to be in control. Just like your W. She does not like that the control has shifted a bit. She never thought that you would change things up. She probably thought that you would be desperate and always welcome her with open arms when she came around. I think that you are doing a great double following through on this boundary.
P - I hope that you know that you are doing a great job considering that BD just happened
