New realization this weekend ... When I was in Vegas, I thought to myself "This is a blast. I cant wait to come back. Why did I used to hate the idea of Vegas/going out before." I think that I even posted about this when I was in Vegas. I thought to myself that I really need to drop my preconceived notions about things and just live life.
As my H is drinking his way through NYC and the superbowl this weekend (his ridiculously expensive trip that he planned without discussion first) and posts pics on FB (my mom keeps telling me despite the fact she knows I don't go on FB and have told her more than once not to tell me), I realized that my prior hate towards going out does not actually have to do with me, it has to do with my H. My H complained that I never liked to go out drinking. I used to say that it was just not my thing. The truth is: I just hate going out drinking with my H.
While my H does not drink often, when he does he is often out of control. The problem is that I never knew when H would be fine and/or when he would decide to drink his face off. H was never violent, but he would be mean or embarrassing. I have had so many horrible experiences with H when he is drunk, that I would just avoid it at all costs. I would tell him to go out with his friends and stay at their place so that I did not have to see him drunk.
H and OW drank together a lot. My H has admitted that the OW has a drinking problem. They were out drinking with each other when they each got a DUI on separate occasions. They could be out of control together. They were enabling each other. I could not figure out how my h could get a DUI and actually increase his drinking after. One would assume that a "normal" person would learn their lesson after this experience. The thing is that my H is not "normal" when it comes to drinking.
I used to wonder if there was something wrong with me because I did not like to go out. And guess what, there is nothing wrong with me ... this is my H's problem. I had an absolute blast last week because the people I was with were able to control themselves while drinking.
I guess that I am really starting to think whether I actually want my H back in my life. Even if my H wanted to R, would I ever be able to go to Vegas/anywhere and have a blast without worrying if H would get out of control? Would he address his drinking problem?
I know that there are no answers to these questions, but I need to start thinking about whether I want my H and not just whether my H wants me. The one thing that I do know, is that I feel better about myself. There was nothing wrong with me. I was just trying to cope with a problem that was out of my control.
