own a buz 20: confused within the confusion

[makingmagic]

I think a light just went off in me.... Although many of you suggested that I am controlling and manipulative... I was, but not intentionally.. I didn't see it... I do now and am now understanding "self-interjecting" I am seeing things a lot clearer suddenly. I see how my ways of self injecting will not lead to him making a decision on his own. The decision he needs to make on his own. I see that now. I see how I am placing my will into it. AND, ultimately.... I want him to decide based on his own decision, not because I steered it.

I didn't hear from him all night tonight... sure hope I didn't spook the squirrel.

As for focusing on myself.. I also understand the benefit of that too. That it takes the focus off him so that he can figure it out, while I focus on ME, which helps towards my "valuing self" goal. If I focus more on my self, then I am not IN HIS confusion. (I did mention that his confusion was HIS yesterday).

In "Valuing Self"... I see that I need to take responsibility & to trust my own judgement. To allow my "thoughts" not be clouded by my emotion and to trust my instinct. That I need to think for myself. A 180 for me... as I have completely allowed/enabled H to think for me, as it was easier to keep the peace than to stand up for myself. Also, to not allow him to mistreat me (he is learning that I will not accept his behaviour, therefore is learning to treat me better, or there are consequences. This respect, can be attractive. I was too afraid to respect myself before, for fear that he would be angry at me.... now... he treats me better....WOW! (we do teach others how to treat ourself!!...TRUE!! He is also, responding well to following by example....as he likes that I am a positive person, and its inspiring him to be more positive, and see the glass as half full. Even discussing goal setting with me. (when I lead, he will follow..180).

Things I know:
-he is attracted to me
-he misses me/our life
-he appreciates our history & our resilient factor
-he wants to remain in business with me
-he wants me to be happy
-he is scared of mediation, but wants me to be secure
-he wants to spend more time with DD
-he is jealous of my social life
-he wonders of me with another man (doesn't like)
-he admitted to needing help

-he is attracted to OW (but what specifically), she is different, independent, has been let down by other guys, cannot rely on guys. he felt used when she called to rescue, so he did not go. he is not sure of her, as she doesn't contact him much.

Things to work on:
-focus on self
-more patience
-more inner peace/ self-worth talk
-accept where he is at. "i don't know" = confusion! Period NOT that he is ready to R.
-not getting what I want despite my instinct (my instinct knew that he wasn't into the 2nd talk yesterday, I should have listened to myself... but pressed on. Eventually I realized he was CLOSED, so I stopped)
-how not to be "needy"... not sure this is clear to me yet.
-Don't ASK him anything, listen, do not ask for more than he shares. Do not try to pull information out of him. DONT ask questions about OW.
-Don't give ultimatums ... not sure this is clear either.
-Give him MORE space.
-Give me space too (take space when not struggling).
-listen & hear my inner voice (not emotion, but head) - learn to differentiate.
-learn more independence (although he says he prefers I lean on him for certain things)... differentiate???
-be more aware of trying to direct of "self-injecting" outcomes
-try playful interations (toss a snowball), but pull back... make working fun with me. (less stressful)... need suggestions!
-don't ask or look for answers to questions all within one convo. Its ok to leave with some questions unanswered or to be continued at another time.
-dont expect answers to everything immediately... and for me to be ok with that.

~~~~~
If I am missing anything or you have a concern, please feel free to speak up!! I will welcome all comments.

Tx, MM