Every night when my wife goes to bed I feel a sense of loss. All based on my own expectations of course. I don't bring up the R and the longer I don't, I kind of expect her to. And each night, after the kids go to bed, which would be the opportune time to talk, she does not...........
Possibly I could take it as a good sign that she is not discussing one of us moving out/custody/dividing finances/filing for D/retaining a lawyer.
Arrrgggghhhh. I will just keep working on me i suppose.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Every night when my wife goes to bed I feel a sense of loss. All based on my own expectations of course. I don't bring up the R and the longer I don't, I kind of expect her to. And each night, after the kids go to bed, which would be the opportune time to talk, she does not...........
Tough, your not alone, I feel the same way too.
Originally Posted By: tough spot
Possibly I could take it as a good sign that she is not discussing one of us moving out/custody/dividing finances/filing for D/retaining a lawyer.
Your WAW and mine BD'ed about the same time, But, one month later my WAW retained a lawyer. Im going into my 3 month of D and no sign of stopping. I would count yourself lucky, very lucky.
YES keep working on yourself and GAL, just as I am trying to do.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
I am starting to wonder if maybe she is even correct. Now that i am not flailing around as much, trying some things, thinking all sorts of things to save our marriage, some time is left to ponder her side of the equation.
How do you tell if maybe we aren't supposed to be together? Even if we did stay together, some of the 'stuff' is hers and she doesn't seem willing to even consider/work on that. Granted that would be in the future, if there was a future, but i do think about it.
We weren't very connected and we did drift apart. So the marriage was no good as it was. I do question if i keep working on myself, become a better/whole person.....and she has already gone through a bunch of changes, she is giving no chance to see what two healthier people can do in this relationship.
That is definitely something i think is a big mistake. However, in her mind, maybe it doesn't matter if i change a lot.....idk....just rambling.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
How do you tell if maybe we aren't supposed to be together? Even if we did stay together, some of the 'stuff' is hers and she doesn't seem willing to even consider/work on that. Granted that would be in the future, if there was a future, but i do think about it.
I actually posted about this today as well. I think that the good thing is that we don't need to decide today whether or not we are meant to be with our WAS. Regardless of whether we like it or not, we are on this journey. We just need to focus on ourselves and become the best person we can and let go of the outcome. The awesome thing about your post is that you now realize that you have a choice in this. You get to decide whether or not you want your W in your life.
I want to talk to my wife about financial and custodial concerns of mine. The kids are the biggest concern for me. Is the 'not bringing a subject up' just for the R? Right now my wife hasn't filed for D yet.....but I am wondering what her plans are when she does.
I am finding myself worrying constantly as to whether i will get 50/50 physical custody. I want the kids physically, half the time, not the 'standard 90 days' that alot of dads wind up with.
I think I need to know so that if she and I aren't on the same page, I can start planning with a lawyer. I really don't want to be caught by suprise or lose any potential positives due to inactivity on my part.
How to bring up and discuss without really bringing up the R? Any ideas/thoughts/input?
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Yeah, I can totally relate to what you're saying as I had the same thoughts before S. On the one hand DB'ing says not to bring it up, but on the other hand you want to be prepared for what is coming. I did have that convo with my W, I asked her to set aside some time so we could discuss the logistics of the S. I put together a list of questions and comments so we could keep it short and to the point. We basically discussed it like two people might discuss a business negotiation. We negotiated a few things (particularly what she would be taking from the house) and got through it all peacefully. Afterwards I typed up the informal agreement and sent her a copy and that became our template when she moved out.
We had a decent discussion, reserved to only finances and custodial ideas. We disagree on the custodial though...that is the big one. However, we both agree our own plans have faults and that we can come to some sort of compromise.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
I sure miss my wife. Part of me doesn't even believe this is happening. I certainly cant dwell on it but somehow must accept it? The holding out of hope is good I think but painful. Nothing I have done to date seems to have an affect.
What I have done is possibly too minor. I quit emailing/texting completely, don't discuss the R (except breaking down once in the last 3-4 weeks), go out occasionally, started exercising, go to IC and back to AA meetings these past 6 weeks.
Struggling to find more 180's to do. How does one have hope and yet detach? Or do you have to suspend hope that the marriage will work out in order to detach. This is about 30% for me, 70% for the marriage, these changes. How does one progress to 100% for me and maybe the marriage will work, maybe it won't attitude.
These are the things I am pondering right now........
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
