One year in but a newbie

[labug]

I have decided that I would have to see some movement on her part to get the help she needs to working on her issues before I would return to a full married relationship with her. Until then I will continue to work on myself and my relationship with my daughters.

This is good as far as it goes. What does "some movement on her part" mean? When you set a boundary like that it should be pretty specific. There should be no question on either side what movement means.

Does she know your boundary?

About the dating site, why is your profile still up if you're working on your M? I don't think you can have a foot in both camps, you're either in or out.

Do you think you could have a healthy R with anyone right now?

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Labug,

I actually am not looking for a R with anyone right now. I have just been lazy in not removing my profile from the dating site. I have a ways to go in finding myself right now.

No she does not know the boundary and neither of us is at a point where we can even discuss anything like that.

In terms of what some movement would mean, I would like to see her in counseling with someone who will help her to develop skills to cope with her depression. I would like to see her actively looking to help herself rather than just accepting that she will always be unhappy and looking to pass the blame for this onto others. I would like to see her stand up to it and not retreat into it. I know its a lot to ask, but after so many years of being there for her, encouraging her and support her decisions only to have hope dashed each and every time I don't know what else to hope for.

[artsy]

Hi, Life's Twists, just checking in,

Could be her profile is up because yours is? Or maybe it's vice verse? (I didn't read very far back in your threads). Having battled depression myself, it may be she's using cyclic thought to stay stuck: wants to work it out, doesn't think she can, feels hopeless, maybe someone who doesn't know her issues can make her feel better, wants to work it out, etc... I know that's the type of thinking I got stuck in. Depression is a dark place.

Leave it be, you are right. Does it bother you still she has a profile up? It probably bothers her you have one up. I would take the high road until you officially drop the rope. I'm only putting my .02 in because I wanted to do the same thing!!! Then I thought how upset I would be if I saw a profile for him...

Hang in there...

[Lifes Twists]

Hi artsy,

I am not sure if she knows I had a profile on the site. I put one up last spring after this all had started and I was hurt and angry. I have been too lazy to figure out how to pull it down. I believe she has put hers up as a reaction to both my older daughters going to school or trying to go to school many states away. She said the other night after my middle daughter told me that she got accepted to a college in NC that the girls did not need her anymore. Yes it bothers me a bit, but I have to detach and not let it affect me.

Thanks for the comments on cyclical thought. I had not thought of that. I will have to do some reading and talk to my IC to understand how I might be able to tell if this might be the case and if there is anything I can do to help her break the cycle.

[Lifes Twists]

Any suggestions on handling financial issues with the WAS? I found out last evening that my W is late in paying a car payment which is under both of our names. She also indicated that she was behind in other bills because she spent too much on Christmas. I ended up coming up with $380.00 which I did not really have. If I let her sink it will affect my credit. If I keep helping am I preventing her from learning what things will be like in the future if we get a D?

[MrBond]

Is your name associated with these accounts? Then if so, either you take over the bills or separate the accounts.

[Lifes Twists]

Its been a few weeks since I posted. I have been reading others posts here. I find if I try to post too much about my situation I get to fixated on it and anxious to see improvement. So, I will continue to post when I have a question or an update / something to add.

I have made a few changes in my interaction with the W these past few weeks. I have gone a bit dim, Only contacting her when I have to about the kids or financial stuff that involves both of us. The second thing I have done is to not directly bail her out of financial issues she gets into on her own. Rather than outright paying off what ever the issue is I have now taken to offering to pay the support money in advance if I have it or advancing a loan to her with weekly payoff.

Both of these changes have had some interesting results, though I don't want to read too much into it. When BD happened she told me it was going to be difficult financially. Since I have pulled back she is getting the full picture of how hard it is going to be. She is falling behind on making payments on credit cards and such resulting in phone calls. The reason I know this is that sh never changed the phone number for the credit cards and I get the calls.

Today we went and had our taxes done. Since we are still married we filed as a married couple. Our CPA ran the taxes as bot filing jointly and filing separately and she would have had to pay additional taxes rather than us getting a return. The CPA explained the benefits of filing jointly. He also advised her to adjust her deduction in case she ends up filing separately next year. This of course concerned her as it would mean even less money in her pay check.

After doing the taxes we stopped off at Starbucks. We sat and talked for a while. She made the comment that she had been having thoughts that it might be easier if we did get back together. I told her that I did not want to discuss the R unless she was prepared to talk about that. I told her that it had to be her decision without pressure and that then I would have to consider if I wanted to pursue that as well. She agreed. I hope I handled this correctly. I did not want her to feel pressured or pursued by me and that she had the space she needs to make her own decisions.

[Lifes Twists]

So, I have been continuing to work on myself and to grow the relationship with my daughters. My interactions with my daughters has greatly improved over the last few weeks. Yesterday I had dinner with all three daughters and my oldest opened up to me about her life in a way that she has not done since this whole thing with W started. Today i drove her back to her college and the conversation continued with her telling me things and seeking support and advice. I feel on top of the world right now with this development.

Unfortunately I also learned after returning home that the W was out on a date. I found this out when I went to drop off the support money and found her car there, but my two youngest home alone. They tried to cover for her, but eventually told me what was going on. They were concerned with how I would react to the news. I did not over react. I just said to my daughters that she had to figure out things for herself. I told them that If I eventually start dating and meet someone and that their mother find out the grass is not always greener on the other side that she may be too late. I kept very calm and did not show any emotion.

I have been spending time with the W working on financial aid and other stuff to cover our girls education. I had thought we were getting along much better than we have been. She was much nicer, interacting well, and working together with no issues.

I will continue to work on myself, GAL, and be there for my daughters.

How do I react to her next time we interact? Do I acknowledge what is going on or do I kinda put blinders on and go on as I have been? We are going to be going South Carolina together with my two youngest daughters to visit a college my middle daughters is interested in. How do I handle myself on this trip? Any advice or suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

[Lifes Twists]

I have been sitting here for a while, taking some deep breaths to center myself and reading Sandi's 37 rules. I believe that I handled it well with my daughters by not reacting to it. I don't plan to react or even bring it up with her. I won't pursue her. If she brings it up I won't react and just move the conversation on to something else or just end it. I do have to work on not being so available when she has issues. I have to try and figure out which ones will affect the girls and respond to those, butthe others I need to be less available.

I will talk to my daughters.I will tell them that we are on two different roads right now and will have to see where those roads lead. I will tell them that they should not feel the need to lie to me to cover up what there mother is doing. What she is doing is her business.

[Lifes Twists]

Any advice on this up coming trip to visit a college my daughter is interested in attending. Should I find some way to discourage my wife from going? I can use it a a trip to continue improving the relationship with my daughters and also as a GAL. Or should I encourage her to come since it is a big decision for my daughter and I don't anyone feeling like I am trying to not include my W in this decision? I have a feeling she will discourage herself from going. Should I try and talk her into going if she does?