Don't know if im on the edge anymore or not....

[sandi2]

First, thanks for the clarification that you did not suggest to her to meet up later. I did misunderstand.

Lord knows I wish I could be more like bug and advina! I so admire their ability to show class, maturity, and calmness. But me.....well I tend to get tacky when I'm trying to nail down my points on a subject. I don't want to do that, so I have to step back and just breathe.......and then delete the loooong post I was going to send yesterday. Now, I haven't changed my opinion, but maybe I won't sound as if I'm attacking anyone.

Dingo, I have read a lot of posts filled with different advice for the LBS over the years. It is not uncommon for the person who is receiving the advice to keep searching until he finds one he likes. Bottom line is that most of us usually do what we want to do.....and not b/c another person advised us differently. There are exceptions, of course, and there are some who are willing -- only after facing many failures. I wonder if you are trying to find someone who will agree with what it is you really want to do.

Yes, I have read that article from MWD about David and the BFF approach in his stitch. I never saw his thread on the board, which doesn't mean anything except others searched too, unsuccessfully. I don't want my statements to be misunderstood about MWD's article, but I personally have not seen one stitch where the BFF approached worked with a WAW in an A. Let me clarify what I mean by "work". I am referring to the W's sexual desire, attraction and respect for her H being restored in the M. Now if he wants to just be best friends with her....then that suits a lot of women just fine! And they may live together from now on.......in a sexually starved marriage.

Here's the problem with that approach. The WAW who is having an A has lost her respect somewhere along the line for the LBH as a man. That usually happens first, then she loses her sexual desire for him as her H. With a woman, she has to respect him as a man....in order to be sexually attracted to him. Oh sure, they can fake it. Women have done it for centuries...all the time their H's would being saying, "Oh, I would know if she was faking!". And he has no idea how vulnerable she is to having an A b/c her deepest, emotional needs are not being met. Look how many stories are here on the board where the LBH says in his first post that he had no idea things were that bad!

I have read hundreds of threads right here on this board about a LBH maintaining a great friendship with his WAW, while they were S and all the time she openingly conducted. Her A. She gets her sexual needs fulfilled by OM, and she gets her other needs met by her BFF (LBH). Whatever her favorite cake might be, LBH is eager to serve. He's fine for her friend, but sadly, she has no sexual attraction for him. Plus, due to him putting himself into this BFF status with her, it ties him emotionally where it is extremely difficult for him not to hold out hope, even have expectations, and prevents him from moving on with his life. It is like a death trap.

Even I wanted to keep my H for a good friend, but I had lost sexual attraction for him as a man. It really shook me when he told me we would not be "friends" if I left the M. Now remember, there is a difference in being friends and being friend--ly. One decribes a relationship and one decribes nice manners. If I had to choose what I believe most men would want in their MR, I would say they prefer the W have respect (admiration) for him as a man. He can be friends with anyone, but he wants this woman to be sexually attracted to him as a man.

When a couple has been torn apart by an A, there needs to be a process in order for them to make it as a happy couple. And yes, during that process, "one" area among many things is to like each other again......or as some would say, become friends again. They need to be able to stay in the same room without getting into a fight and show consideration toward one another, etc., etc. But I simply have not been convinced that a woman who has chosen another man over her own H...can be attracted to a man who thinks so little of himself that he would consider being her friend while she continues to sleep with another man. Why on earth would any man think that was attractive? If anything, it would cause her to disrespect him even more. He stops being a man in her eyes.

Perhaps I have simply missed it, but MWD's one article of David's approach is the only one of that kind that I have ever seen in any of the many materials I've read over the years. Maybe, if it worked for you, your story could be the second.

Like I said, you will pick the advice you want to follow. If I can help you or anyone, then I am more than happy to try. But I can just say so much. You said if there was another way to tell you what it was, but I have tried to tell you in the very beginning.