Listen to everyone's advice for a change. Stop pushing for a talk even though you keep insisting that he wants it and asked for it. All it does is freak you out. Just converse with him, slowly flirt, maybe give him a light, encouraging touch every now and then and see where it goes from there.
The one thing you haven't learned at all is PATIENCE. Patience doesn't mean that you don't do anything, it means to have peace within yourself and to let things go at their own pace. You can't seem to do that and if this is how you were with your H, it must have been exhausting for him.
Same advice as was given to you countless times.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
The convo happened... again, long talk in the car over coffee. He realized what I was so upset about on Monday, as he realized OW message was on the phone. He explained that he didn't go to her rescue. He's not sure about her. Says he is attracted to her. She is different. Independent. Not needing a guy. He sometimes feels used by her. She doesn't give him much attention. They don't talk much, and didn't spend NYE or Christmas with any communication. I did a lot of listening... I can't recall it all. It still [censored] to hear it. More confusion from him, I don't know what I want, etc.... I value our 20 year R, etc. I want to remain in business, we have a good business... at the very least. (she doesn't like that we work together)..... We discussed dating websites, etc. I said that since he is checking out the "other side" maybe that I should too. He is really surprised that I haven't been. I said that I haven't because my OPEN sign wasn't on. He doesn't like to think of me with anyone and it keeps him up at night. He wants to assure me that he didn't go looking, she approached him, and he thought I was DONE and was dating too....he is disappointed in the whole dating concept and that he feels totally comfortable with me, and likes that. There was so much more, but can't recall ATM. Its like he feels justified that he didn't go pursuing... that he was pursued and that makes it OK for some reason.
Then we went back to work, for a few hours... and then I said that I needed to talk. I then asked him some things. By the way he has been with me lately, I wondered if he was needing assurances from me...or if he was trying to assure me? He didn't know. Told him that I too, want fun...not necessarily long convos. He said that It seems like I have a lot of fun. I told him earlier that my time spent not working is spent working on myself. I asked if he was still sexually attracted to me, and put my hand on his thigh. Asked how that felt. He said good but awkward considering our position. I could tell by this point he wasn't really in the mood to talk. I then decided I could say something about a boundary... that if he is interested in OW then I cannot be interested in him. That I don't like what I know and I won't be second choice. He said he understood. The convo was switched into dating sites and fb, and how he doesn't have a nice pic of himself...that there were lots of us, but doesn't feel right cutting me out. I showed him that my ring tone of him was a nice one of him and DD. We also discussed making out/sex on and off throughout this convo too. I assured him that no one has put there hands on me or my hands on anyone. He admitted that he has not made out with this girl and promised me. He has just kissed her. (he admitted on monday, that he was afraid to be with someone and be disappointed... he likes my parts, etc) I don't think he knows what he wants with that OW. (I think he is enjoying feeling young again)... but wants me to be "there"... back up plan??? I again said I will not be 2nd choice. He understands that.... WTF kind of answer is that? He mentioned that he was going to get a pizza and head home later. I suggested that he bring his pizza over and we hang out, no convo, just hang. He said he appreciated it, and the time that I offered before, but he has had an emotional day and wants to relax. He said we could talk more later. He put his hand on my shoulder and said that he is happy we are having these talks and he is hopeful that we will work it out. ... ??? .. He then left to finish up work. I went to Moms.
H does not realize that he could lose me forever. If I were in his shoes, I'd be hanging on for dear life..... he thinks I will still sit here and wait, and wait and wait.
About an hour or so later, I get a text saying that he made it back and to the bank just in time... I wanted to say things like... since you didn't want to have pizza with me... I'm going to a bar, etc... but texted back "thats really good, catch up later, heading out"
Today, I believe he called twice and also texted. I had a late night and my phone was silent. His message was "asking" when I was going to work today. I texted back "not sure, I don't recall a client appointment" He then said "hello???we discussed it remember? you have my tools, etc" then "I'm feeling ignored...if you don't want to work just tell me" I replied "sorry. no. we said a lot yesterday, i forgot." He said "ok :)"
Im wondering if I should reply with the truth. That I don't feel like seeing him today, because I am struggling with stuff.....???
OK... I'm sure there are 2X4's here... lemme have them along with point out ANY positives, please!!!
I have come to realize that I value myself, and that I don't want to go back to the relationship the way it was... That I deserve a much better one.... and I am going to hold out for it... even if it takes me outside of my comfort level.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Hi Ken... thanks for replying... As much as everyone suggests I check out a dating website... just to "see" and keep my options open... I don't think I can, just yet.
I don't see where I am asking to lie? Can you show me please?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
"Im wondering if I should reply with the truth. That I don't feel like seeing him today, because I am struggling with stuff.....???"
if you're not telling the truth, you're lying. i dont understand your continued confusion on this. i know you claim to be honest, but the above is not being honest.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
struggling is the truth... telling him I don't feel well, is truthful... I just didn't say "struggling"... didn't know if that was TMI. I don't want to push the squirrel away. Im not sure if it helps/hurts or what DB'ing would suggest, for him to know I can't handle what he is telling me.
I like what you said above....let him ask for the conversation. if he wants it, he'll ask for it. if he doesnt ask for it, he doesnt want it. when he wants it, he'll ask for it.
So, I texted h to see if he needed the tools that were in my vehicle. He asked if we were going to work today... I said "not feeling well" (true, emotionally)... He said "driving... can we talk" I said "about?"..... no reply. I then asked for business info that I needed to proceed... he provided... ..... what happened to "can we talk"? Where did that go? I wish I had said personal/business? or NO?.... leave it?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Why? Did you start it? Why couldn't you listen to what we're all telling you and keep quiet for a change?
"Says he is attracted to her. She is different. Independent. Not needing a guy."
Bingo. You're not listening to this. This is what he wants and you keep showing you're needy.
"More confusion from him, I don't know what I want, etc...."
Why do you keep thinking this is confusion? Why can't you just accept the fact that he's trying to figure things out? It's no different than you trying to think about something.
"We discussed dating websites, etc. I said that since he is checking out the "other side" maybe that I should too."
That is so controlling and manipulative. Not "truth".
"that he was pursued and that makes it OK for some reason."
It IS okay.
"Then we went back to work, for a few hours... and then I said that I needed to talk. I then asked him some things. By the way he has been with me lately, I wondered if he was needing assurances from me...or if he was trying to assure me?"
That's what YOU want. Assurances. Back off and STFU!
"He didn't know."
Of course he doesn't. Why do you keep asking him? Why can't you just back off even for a week or a couple days. You just can't let things go.
"I told him earlier that my time spent not working is spent working on myself. I asked if he was still sexually attracted to me, and put my hand on his thigh."
Manipulative.
"I then decided I could say something about a boundary... that if he is interested in OW then I cannot be interested in him."
Manipulative and an ultimatum.
"I showed him that my ring tone of him was a nice one of him and DD. We also discussed making out/sex on and off throughout this convo too. I assured him that no one has put there hands on me or my hands on anyone."
Manipulative.
"I again said I will not be 2nd choice. He understands that.... WTF kind of answer is that?"
Geez. He's being honest. This WHOLE conversation, you didn't LISTEN to him. You keep interjecting yourself into it. Very selfish and shows how little you've learned about listening and acceptance.
"About an hour or so later, I get a text saying that he made it back and to the bank just in time... smile I wanted to say things like... since you didn't want to have pizza with me... I'm going to a bar, etc... but texted back "thats really good, catch up later, heading out"
You WANTED to be manipulative.
"Im wondering if I should reply with the truth. That I don't feel like seeing him today, because I am struggling with stuff.....???"
Back off.
"OK... I'm sure there are 2X4's here... lemme have them along with point out ANY positives, please!!!"
He was extremely positive by telling you how he felt. You just couldn't listen.
" I don't want to push the squirrel away."
You are.
"Im not sure if it helps/hurts or what DB'ing would suggest, for him to know I can't handle what he is telling me."
This shows how little you've learned about DB. You never started working on yourself.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Why? Did you start it? Why couldn't you listen to what we're all telling you and keep quiet for a change? well, because I thought he was waiting for me to start it, as he did ask me to approach
"Says he is attracted to her. She is different. Independent. Not needing a guy."
Bingo. You're not listening to this. This is what he wants and you keep showing you're needy.
I am working on this.... is there something specific that would help?
"More confusion from him, I don't know what I want, etc...."
Why do you keep thinking this is confusion? Why can't you just accept the fact that he's trying to figure things out? It's no different than you trying to think about something. Yes, I get this... and accept... He is confused and wants me to know, for some reason it makes him feel better
"We discussed dating websites, etc. I said that since he is checking out the "other side" maybe that I should too."
That is so controlling and manipulative. Not "truth".but, it IS the truth... I have considered, but can't see myself liking it much
"that he was pursued and that makes it OK for some reason."
It IS okay.He means it like, he wasn't the pursuer... and wants to assure me that HE didn't go looking for it
"Then we went back to work, for a few hours... and then I said that I needed to talk. I then asked him some things. By the way he has been with me lately, I wondered if he was needing assurances from me...or if he was trying to assure me?"
That's what YOU want. Assurances. Back off and STFU!yes... I do ... and he is giving me some... on his terms... YES STFU!!
"He didn't know."
Of course he doesn't. Why do you keep asking him? Why can't you just back off even for a week or a couple days. You just can't let things go.OK... starting NOW
"I told him earlier that my time spent not working is spent working on myself. I asked if he was still sexually attracted to me, and put my hand on his thigh."
Manipulative.how?.. you suggested touch???
"I then decided I could say something about a boundary... that if he is interested in OW then I cannot be interested in him."
Manipulative and an ultimatum.how?.. I have read on here about boundary... I was following what I had read on here
"I showed him that my ring tone of him was a nice one of him and DD. We also discussed making out/sex on and off throughout this convo too. I assured him that no one has put there hands on me or my hands on anyone."
Manipulative.wow...here too? how? I don't see manipulation here at all.. I was being honest about the nice photo on my phone and that I have been faithful... he was asking
"I again said I will not be 2nd choice. He understands that.... WTF kind of answer is that?"
Geez. He's being honest. This WHOLE conversation, you didn't LISTEN to him. You keep interjecting yourself into it. Very selfish and shows how little you've learned about listening and acceptance. what didn't I listen too? I don't understand the selfish part?
"About an hour or so later, I get a text saying that he made it back and to the bank just in time... smile I wanted to say things like... since you didn't want to have pizza with me... I'm going to a bar, etc... but texted back "thats really good, catch up later, heading out"
You WANTED to be manipulative.no, I WANTED to say, since you don't want to have pizza with me, don't think that I am sitting at home waiting for you... I'm living life and moving forward
"Im wondering if I should reply with the truth. That I don't feel like seeing him today, because I am struggling with stuff.....???"
Back off.ok... but he keeps texting
"OK... I'm sure there are 2X4's here... lemme have them along with point out ANY positives, please!!!"
He was extremely positive by telling you how he felt. You just couldn't listen.
" I don't want to push the squirrel away."
You are.I will back off
"Im not sure if it helps/hurts or what DB'ing would suggest, for him to know I can't handle what he is telling me."
This shows how little you've learned about DB. You never started working on yourself.oh, I've started... i am a work in progress. Knowing that I value myself (like Ken was suggesting) helps me to focus on myself and to stick to my values.
DISCLAIMER: Please do not see this as not listening to advice or arguing... I am merely trying to fully understand what you are suggesting (so further questions may be asked)... I get some of it, and agree.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I wanted to say things like... since you didn't want to have pizza with me... I'm going to a bar, etc... but texted back "thats really good, catch up later, heading out"