own a buz 20: confused within the confusion

[makingmagic]

The convo happened... again, long talk in the car over coffee. He realized what I was so upset about on Monday, as he realized OW message was on the phone. He explained that he didn't go to her rescue. He's not sure about her. Says he is attracted to her. She is different. Independent. Not needing a guy. He sometimes feels used by her. She doesn't give him much attention. They don't talk much, and didn't spend NYE or Christmas with any communication. I did a lot of listening... I can't recall it all. It still [censored] to hear it. More confusion from him, I don't know what I want, etc.... I value our 20 year R, etc. I want to remain in business, we have a good business... at the very least. (she doesn't like that we work together)..... We discussed dating websites, etc. I said that since he is checking out the "other side" maybe that I should too. He is really surprised that I haven't been. I said that I haven't because my OPEN sign wasn't on. He doesn't like to think of me with anyone and it keeps him up at night. He wants to assure me that he didn't go looking, she approached him, and he thought I was DONE and was dating too....he is disappointed in the whole dating concept and that he feels totally comfortable with me, and likes that. There was so much more, but can't recall ATM. Its like he feels justified that he didn't go pursuing... that he was pursued and that makes it OK for some reason.

Then we went back to work, for a few hours... and then I said that I needed to talk. I then asked him some things. By the way he has been with me lately, I wondered if he was needing assurances from me...or if he was trying to assure me? He didn't know. Told him that I too, want fun...not necessarily long convos. He said that It seems like I have a lot of fun. I told him earlier that my time spent not working is spent working on myself. I asked if he was still sexually attracted to me, and put my hand on his thigh. Asked how that felt. He said good but awkward considering our position. I could tell by this point he wasn't really in the mood to talk. I then decided I could say something about a boundary... that if he is interested in OW then I cannot be interested in him. That I don't like what I know and I won't be second choice. He said he understood. The convo was switched into dating sites and fb, and how he doesn't have a nice pic of himself...that there were lots of us, but doesn't feel right cutting me out. I showed him that my ring tone of him was a nice one of him and DD. We also discussed making out/sex on and off throughout this convo too. I assured him that no one has put there hands on me or my hands on anyone. He admitted that he has not made out with this girl and promised me. He has just kissed her. (he admitted on monday, that he was afraid to be with someone and be disappointed... he likes my parts, etc) I don't think he knows what he wants with that OW. (I think he is enjoying feeling young again)... but wants me to be "there"... back up plan??? I again said I will not be 2nd choice. He understands that.... WTF kind of answer is that? He mentioned that he was going to get a pizza and head home later. I suggested that he bring his pizza over and we hang out, no convo, just hang. He said he appreciated it, and the time that I offered before, but he has had an emotional day and wants to relax. He said we could talk more later. He put his hand on my shoulder and said that he is happy we are having these talks and he is hopeful that we will work it out. ... ??? .. He then left to finish up work. I went to Moms.

H does not realize that he could lose me forever. If I were in his shoes, I'd be hanging on for dear life..... he thinks I will still sit here and wait, and wait and wait.

About an hour or so later, I get a text saying that he made it back and to the bank just in time... I wanted to say things like... since you didn't want to have pizza with me... I'm going to a bar, etc... but texted back "thats really good, catch up later, heading out"


Today, I believe he called twice and also texted. I had a late night and my phone was silent. His message was "asking" when I was going to work today. I texted back "not sure, I don't recall a client appointment" He then said "hello???we discussed it remember? you have my tools, etc" then "I'm feeling ignored...if you don't want to work just tell me" I replied "sorry. no. we said a lot yesterday, i forgot." He said "ok :)"

Im wondering if I should reply with the truth. That I don't feel like seeing him today, because I am struggling with stuff.....???

OK... I'm sure there are 2X4's here... lemme have them along with point out ANY positives, please!!!

I have come to realize that I value myself, and that I don't want to go back to the relationship the way it was... That I deserve a much better one.... and I am going to hold out for it... even if it takes me outside of my comfort level.