I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

AnotherStander, no need to apologize. Granted it was/is hard to hear that. But, geez, everything that has happened so far has been, lol! I see what your saying, and I get it. Certainly if my M had ben so great, than this would probably not have happened. So there is some denial for me, because part of me wants to just go back to the way things were. Also when I really look at all that has happened, I can see that would just lead us back to where we are. So I see what you mean by creating a new one as opposed to restoring the old.

Looking at myself, I can see that through our marriage, I did loose myself in there too. Things that I enjoyed and cared about, that got pushed under the rug. I always just thought I was making compromise, and that this was part of being married. I have been finding that I put a lot on hold, thinking it was worthwhile to do so, for her. I realize that through a lot of our marriage, I stopped taking care of me. I was so focused on taking care of her. Making sure she had all she wanted, at my own sacrifice. Like I said earlier, she spends like crazy, and so when my phone broke, I did not get a new one due to cost. She kept spending, and I thought that was ok, but I wanted her to have all she wanted. Convinced myself that this was a promise I made when we married. That's why getting a new phone this week was a big thing for me.

I am finding who I am, not totally who I was. Since when we met, we younger, and we used to party. I don't really want to go back to that, but more who I want to be now, for me. I feel like I have to remind myself often to be patient, and not to read to much into the little behaviors she does. Not worrying about where she is or what she was doing. I am reading those and other posts on this site.

You say, 'you've always taken care of her, eh'? Well, that might be why she's sick of. She feels controlled. She feels like your dependent. You thought you were doing good I bet. She wants to be free. Show her independence an she's using you as the reason. Let you self off the hook. There is some really good advice on this site.

Maybe your right, Inafog, maybe she did/does. I cant say anything for certain about that because, we ended up here, and I did not see it coming. I do agree that I am being used as the reason for her saying she wants to end it. Which is silly, not to her, but to me. Although I will not show that. She is not going to hear anything I say about that. So I am trying to stay on me, and I am doing a lot of reading from this site. I am perusing things that I had put on the shelf long ago. Things that I have always wanted to finish.

I am pretty much on this site daily, and feel good about being here. This has been such an eye opening place to me. It has helped me find some footing on this mountain. I am listening, and it feels good to type these thoughts out and to hear the responses. Even when they are hard to hear. I was missing that when this started, and was certainly feeling like I was losing direction. I do not expect you all to say do abc and it will be fixed anymore, there is more work to be done. I am staying in the moment as much as I can and putting all I can into being patient. ignoring some of my instincts, which is hard. Another Stander, you said earlier about DB'ing being counter intuitive. I can feel the urge to say something to her, and have done pretty good about just keeping my mouth shut, or walking away. As hard as that is.

Still debating whether I should stay home for the game tomorrow, or go to a friends, leaving her here alone. The thought is whether it would be good to just hang out with her, or better as was said earlier, to just get out of her way. Stuck on that since its tomorrow.