Don't know if im on the edge anymore or not....

[dingo]

Dingo, you're welcome to disagree with me anytime you want. But I definitely disagree that setting a boundary that protects you is fear-based. Boundaries are necessary for a strong, healthy R. Living fear-based is not setting a boundary for fear of making the other person unhappy.

If you feel good about the email you sent, then feel good about it. But I think something must be niggling you or you wouldn't be disagreeing so strongly. I'm always the most defensive when I'm trying to convince myself that I'm right.

We have only what you've written about your W to go on. I think she's confused and maybe a bit scared but the mindset of the WAS very rarely has anything to do with what I post to people.

I just read back through your threads and she hasn't been consistent for more than a couple of days since you've been on the boards. If I've misread, please let me know.

What do you need to see/hear from her to feel confident in re-engaging?

I agree that boundaries are important and necessary to a good relationship - with anyone, not just a marriage. However, at the very basic level, if something is there to protect us, then the thing that it protects us from is something we fear, or at the very least something that makes us uncomfortable. I am not saying that its the same as being a doormat and allowing yourself to be subjected to all kinds of emotional pains because you are afraid of making your partner/friend/whatever the relation is unhappy. But it is living fear-based to not challenge these boundaries just like it would be living fear-based to never drive a car because you're afraid you'll get into an accident.

There are plenty of people here who have completely detached and moved on with their lives. They have started to date other people, maybe even married other people and their X-spouses have done the same. They don't need the boundary that I need because they no longer fear what seeing their spouse with someone else can do to them emotionally.


I do feel good about the email. What's niggling me is that I do see some positives from her actions over the past month and also the past week. I probably do have some more hope than I had prior to receiving that email. I am definitely not 100% detached and she does still affect me emotionally. However, my challenge to myself is to see if I can have a positive interaction with her regardless. If I can not let it show that she can affect me. If I can not pressure and not react. Maybe I am not ready for that and maybe I am - how do I know if I don't try?

Generally her flip flopping has happened on a cycle of 3-4 weeks.

My question still is - how do I know where I stand and where she stands unless I interact with her?

I am not initiating. What is the harm in responding. Doesn't it show her that I am strong enough to respond without falling apart and begging her to come back. Doesn't ignoring her tell her that I can't handle it?

Your last question is a very important one that I just do not know the answer to yet.