Dingo, if she has dumped the OM and is serious about working on your M, she knows how to say that to you. If she misses you, she could surely say so. In fact, I think she has said those very words to you before.
I'm not saying that she is a horrible person, delighting in pulling your puppet strings. But she is your W, and she is having an affair, so I'm not sure why you are so bent on giving her the benefit of the doubt. At the very least, she is being very selfish right now.
I totally get how you feel, because I was in the same place not long ago. I found myself arguing with the advice I was getting and not wanting to take it, because it wasn't what I wanted to hear. But for those of us who are not knee deep in your muck, your sitch, your W's behavior, and your behavior are much clearer.
Right now you are grasping for signs that she has dumped the OM and wants to R with you. But she has said nothing of the sort.
I'm not trying to be mean. I hope that she does want to R, and I hope that you two work things out. I truly do.
Look, maybe you shouldn't be taking advice from me, since I will apparently be getting D rather soon, but if I were you, I would quit all the pussyfooting around and just repeat the boundary.
"W, let me know when you have broken things off with the OM. Then I will be happy to meet up with you and talk."
I think if you continue what you are doing right now, you are just printing your own ticket for your own roller coaster.
That's just it M. I am not looking for signs of anything. I am not assuming that she's made some dramatic turnaround and is ready to jump into my arms again and all is well in dingoworld for the rest of our fairytale lives. Or if I am, its the fact that I READ her email that caused that, not the fact that I responded to it.
I think everyone assumes that I am thinking that everything is solved - but maybe that's mind-reading too. Who knows.
The only things I said were: 1. There is something that she is missing by not having regular contact with me. (FACT - at least to the extent that you can believe her words) 2. I don't know what the current state of the affair is (FACT) 3. I do not see the harm in a completely bland and emotionless response to an email after being prompted 3 times to answer her. 4. Nobody on these boards, including me, have any idea what she is thinking - if she is playing games or not (FACT)
I find it very hard to believe that anyone here expects that after a period of NC (as short as this one may be) that the first communication from a WAS should be nothing short of 'the affair is over - I am ready to work on things again'. Is there a single case on these boards where this has happened? Where someone got an email out of the blue that said 'sorry spouse, we havent spoke in X days because you've been ignoring me but I want to work on a relationship with you'. Frankly, I think its ridiculous to even suggest that would happen.
I am also waiting for someone to explain to me how my response showed anything other than 'loving detachment'. I am also waiting for someone to show me a scenario (other than the one above) where an estranged couple have positive interactions and begin to turn things around by one person ignoring the other. How do I 'leave a smooth path for the WAS to return home' if I ignore her?
I DID NOT agree to meet with her and I DID NOT agree to talk to her. Honestly, I don't think I need to restate my boundaries. They've been stated more times than they needed to be as it is.
How do I know if I can handle an interaction without expectations unless I have an interaction? How do I show her positive changes I've made unless I interact with her? How do I know if she's done the work and had a change of heart if I don't interact with her? How do I challenge the changes Ive made unless I put them to the test? Maybe I am not as ready as I think I am but how do I know if I refuse to try?
You asked why I give her the benefit of the doubt when she's having an affair M. The answer is because through reading this site and many books, I can empathize with what she's going through. Because I realize that she's in a lot of pain too and her life has been turned upside down just as much (if not more so than mine). Because I recognize that I am partly responsible for putting her there.
Maybe she is being selfish and maybe she isn't. Maybe she doesn't care about my boundaries. Maybe she's had a change of heart. How do I know if I ignore her?
Sorry Bug - I disagree with your statement on boundaries. If I am not interacting with her because she hurt me emotionally, then that boundary is enforced from a place of fear. Fear that I will be hurt again. If she can't hurt me emotionally because I have completely detached or because I am strong enough emotionally that it doesn't affect me, then there is no longer any need for the boundary.
I don't mean to sound indignant or unappreciative. I come here for help and for a place to help me deal with this terrible situation but I am completely confused by this recent string of advice. Not because its not what I want to hear but because it seems to defy logic.
Here's an article that I am sure most of you have read but maybe ought to re-read.
