Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part VI)

[AnotherStander]

I hear you on weight lifting and getting new clothes, doesn't it feel great?! My boss said something about me starting to really fill out my clothes, that was pretty flattering.

It is a great feeling, and congrats on your transformation as well! Darned expensive to replace all the work clothes though, but I needed to anyway.

I also think the line about our lives being on autopilot probably resonates with almost everyone here. I know I felt that way about myself (as well as my M). I remember a few years back thinking 'is this all there is?' - and being strangely content with that - even though I recognized I wasn't really happy.

Yeah, "content" is a good word because I felt the same way, I wasn't as happy and fulfilled as I could have been but I was content with the status quo. If I had known how unhappy W was I would have done it differently though.

I also wanted to add my thoughts about you. I look forward to reading your posts and perspective. You have been very inspiring to me.

Thank you!

"Contentment is being fully satisfied with where you currently are on the road to where you are going"

Very different than how I think Contentment is often portrayed in today's "instant gratification" society.

That's an interesting definition, and by THAT definition I should not have been content because where I was going was BD. Even though I didn't know it, perhaps I would have if I wasn't on autopilot. I should have been more aware and involved.

Is it just me or does anyone else wonder if "we" the DB'ers are going about it wrong. Do you ever think we are just giving in and our WAS's are saying this has been the easiest Divorce ever, My H or W didn't even put up a fight, I guess they knew it was for the best too.

Interesting thought. If we end up in D, then could we have done something differently after BD that would have saved the M? Unfortunately I guess we'll never know. But the beauty of DB'ing is it takes us away from being angry and bitter towards the WAS and puts our focus on making ourselves better, so even if the M doesn't survive we still emerge well-prepared for the next stage in life. My brother has been stuck for 6 or 7 years now because he is STILL angry and resentful towards his WAW. I've seen how it's ruined his life and that is not a place where anyone wants to be!

AS it sounds to me that you don't like it when some don't accept you.

Well, first the ice queen treatment is not something I view as acceptance or non-acceptance of me, but rather just as the way she behaves towards me. She clearly accepts me as a person and as a father, she has said some really great things about me to myself and to others (not lately but in the months after BD). Second, it's not that I don't like it, I just don't understand it. It's perplexing to me. And that's really just a statement about WAS behavior in general, because I know many of them do it and I know there's no answer as to why they do it. I guess I'm just venting my thoughts when I say I don't understand it.

I don't believe that W is the only human being in the universe that treats you coldly and has shut you out.

Well, believe it or not, I can't think of anyone else. I mean sure I've gotten in arguments with people, and have gotten the silent treatment for a while, but we've always smoothed things over later. I really can't think of anyone that I've ever been close to that wasn't mad or angry, but just cold like that.

I have a hunch that anyone who does not admire you well you know....

Really? That's funny! I think if you told any of my buddies that I have some deep-seated need to be admired they would totally bust out laughing 100% of what we know about each other is what is on these forums, which is probably 1% of who we really are