Are you sure he NEEDS to hear that? I bet he is fully aware of your feelings towards him. Maybe stop with the assuming, go into the convo with no agenda, with an open mind and let it happen and flow naturally.
Stop rehearsing the convo in your head and just let it be as it unfolds. How many times have these convos gone exactly how you planned? Or thought they would?
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Yes... I understand that T2... but when we get into these convo's he is always reaching to hear this stuff... like he needs reassurances. Bringing up how he thought I was going to leave him first, bringing up my infedelity & how that hurts him, bringing up the fact that he "thought" I had a bf and has made decisions based on that (OW).
Yep... open mind... no agenda.
The way I approach the convo... does that sound like NO PRESSURE?, because I don't want to have the talk, if he isn't ready. IM NOT PUSHING ANYMORE!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
If you are not pushing, then stop the mind reading like:
Quote:
but when we get into these convo's he is always reaching to hear this stuff... like he needs reassurances.
Just go in with no agenda, with YOUR WANTS put aside (and those questions up there are all about YOU). If you actually let him lead, you will know what to say, or not say. When in doubt, STFU, or acknowledge/validate. Maybe say "I would like to think about that, what you said" to keep yourself from charging forward and out of your own way.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks T2... I can see how you may view it as mind reading, but he presses on during our R talks... its like he NEEDS reassurances... but doesnt give me any.
Also... I am confused about the message from OW on our business line. He has not erased it yet (I don't think). I know he is NOT sloppy about his private hidden stuff... Did he want me to hear it? did he want all of this exposed? Do I bring it up that I have heard it, and ask if he is still seeing her?
These are the questions in my head....
Yes... I understand put aside MY WANTS.. I will try to remember that.
When he leads into his old hurts... do I not say sorry & that I was wrong, that I have always loved him, still do? When he says "i dont know what to do, or what I want or if we should get back together"... do I just say, "Im sure you will figure out what is best for you"
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
The problem with having a set of prepared answers is that you have the tendency to spend the conversation waiting for your opportunity to use those answers.
and while you're watching for your opening, you're not truly listening. and this is very obvious to the other person.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
"but when we get into these convo's he is always reaching to hear this stuff... like he needs reassurances."
Does he specifically ask you for reassurances?
If he does not come out and say "I want reassurances", then he is not asking.
If he does not explicitly say those words, then its all in your head, and you're just twisting it up because its YOU WANTING him to be needing it. Its then about your need to say it, not his need to hear it.
i'd guess that your wrong assumptions to what he's not asking led to the demise of your R. stop doing it.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Hi T2... I knew that as I was writing it all, that someone would pipe up and repeat that... LOL Yes, its rehearsing somewhat because I have been in that position before and didn't know what to say and didn't say much (too scared)... so, was trying to put "something" in my pocket. To be prepared.
KenF ...No he doesnt "ask" for reassurances, but says "I don't know if you feel the same as you used to". I guess I could ask if he is wanting reassuurance... if he says "yes"...then what?
Does anyone like what I suggested for our talk?... I might say this today!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
LOL Yes, its rehearsing somewhat because I have been in that position before and didn't know what to say and didn't say much (too scared)... so, was trying to put "something" in my pocket. To be prepared.
Fixed it for you.
So you aren't going to really listen to him, or do something different than you historically have done then.
Basically the same thing, expecting different results?
Hm.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
But I do listen and nod. I'm too scared to reply now So. It's a 180 from the other R convos I have had where I try to Steer. So. Not more of the same. Is it? I just want to have firm answers and to be able to back them up.
Ken. ... Well put.
I am with him now. Wondering do I approach the convo the way I wrote it? Or is there a better way? Or not at all?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
