I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

Stop pushing your w out of your life...

This is another one I have a hard time with, and think about often. By no means do I want to do this. I don't know if we could recover from what has happened, but I want to try. I feel a little like Mr. jeckel/Mr. Hyde, lol. As far as how I was feeling last night alone, and how I feel this morning. This has been the routine.

Once a new day begins I feel pretty good about what's ahead. As far as what my day plan is. Late at night, I am a different person. My recent night routine is to stay in the living room on the pc and watching tv, a large part because I don't want to go to the bedroom and her not be there. When I am on the pc, I am reading here, and talking to friends. That's when the urge to snoop is the highest. I am getting better about recognizing the urge to snoop coming on, and getting up and doing something else. At some point I end up on the couch where I pass out watching tv, wake up around 3am, and then go to bed when I am only half awake. Then I don't notice she is not there as much. I also am just not tired until like 1 or 2am.

Eating is getting better. I am making a point to remind myself to eat. I am trying to stay away from junk food/instant food. Since my intake has been low, I have put together foods that are more healthy. I think I will try and focus on my health a bit more. Before BD, I had almost completely quit smoking, but this through me right back into smoking a lot. I am starting to feel like I could try again quitting. I know that will help with all other fitness.

Trying to do "little" things here and there to improve my current well being. Snooping throughout the day has gotten a lot better. Now it is just the late night snooping I really need to work on more. I can see I was getting obsessed with it, and that this was derailing my efforts. When I start to wander, or think about anything in the future, I try to remind myself to stay here and now. This has been helping, breathing as well. Anytime I start to think about what is happening, what is going to happen, I try to remind myself, this is just being generated in my mind, and to stop. Refocus. Not being able to plan, or know what is going to happen, makes it hard since that is who I have been, the planner. I also can see that when I start think about the situation I am in, it is so easy to sink into the sadness, frustration, and helplessness of what is happening. That's when I try to really bring myself back. Not always easy as I feel like I am living at ground zero.

For right now, I am going to try to limit my future to what am I doing today, well, I am going to work.