i'm with ya man . i'm trying to keep laughin. do okay- sometimes it is a bit "hair raising" and when no one is around to share that - then i notice even more. you're so right about keeping me around- but not acting like i am.
it's f'ing moldy. couple friends who are struggling like mad - single mom's getting f'd by ex's- i listen and then it makes me hang in here because of how much it $ucks to be $hit poor. I can still remember that- absolutely no glory in it- yuck. i can't bring myself to do it (yet)to myself. who knows tho, may seem like a good idea someday.
at this momemt my mother is having pain & (i believe) reoccurrence of whatever went on with her in august that was soooo bad (yet went home from hospital with no specific diagnosis- a bill for $155,000 - but no "answer") they just don't give a darn - drs) just figure she's 89- fix whatever it is for the moment and chuck her out the back door- it stinks to grow old in am erica man.
anyway- i'm doing my best to second guess and diagnose - my sister will take her to a dr on monday- i'm hoping no emergency room before then . it's soooo dicey- and soooo stressful. having trouble keeping myself chilled out. took a sleeping pill last nite- woke up twice thinking the phone rang. what? me on edge...
anyway- keep thinking of h saying "he has no right" to say to me that he wants me in his life or there would be a huge "hole" (??) and that when he thinks of me - he thinks "home" -
so, let me get this straight. he says he has no right to think or say anything nice-ish - yet he has the right to take away my notion of my "life", my love, my security , (try) my ego - be a stinking crab and make my life a misery (back a couple years - and for years) - and lie like a stinnkin cheatin rug - but saying something that might be "nice" - he thinks no right.????????
what in the world can be in his head??? i'm askin ya - what he has no right to was latching on to an honest old nice guy if he knew the whole time that he was a total rat who deserved another ratlike himself? i'm thinking this morning. (he's probably on way driven to go boink ow this weekend even as we speak- i'd like to fly over and drop a stinkin bomb on his head and be done with it - no backs)
i'm here "yelling" my head off - so i don't write an e-mail and say it to his stupid face. he has many fine qualities- honesty is not one of them. is there any? and was tehre ever? i will never be really sure - anymore. finding it out on the heels of 36 or so years of total commitment & love & trust - well, i'm still having a terrible time letting go of the notion of him as a decent human being and accepting half my entire life almost was spent with a liar - in a lie. i detest lies - i just don 't lie. i just hate the whole notion- reality of it. yet it's true-
oh man- oh well- time to stash that back in teh furthest corner of my brain and just get on with the day. fingers crossed about no emergency room hospital trips- i can't make the call tho- it's awful- trying to second guess and figure out this health stuff. i am no dr. - tho i play one on tv.!!
i can't quite get to the point of saying to self that i can live with him as he is - forever. could anyone ever "get used to" it?
that and other un-answerable questions today- need to go get very very busy and not think a bit longer. no good will come of it today...
xxoo thanks for note - i know- it's always there roaming around in the back of our lives - brains, somewhre.
i guess til they die or we do or somehow cease to exist in each other's lives- it will.
God, i sure hope someday i'm DONE with this all- and have moved on and over to a different life.
i dread my mother dying- tho i know it's something that will happen sooner rather than later. I've been steeling myself for years- are ya ever really "ready"? im thinking of course not. oh well-
like the death of love i guess- it just "happens to you" - no need to be ready or even think about it- it happens in it's own time and you just have to live thru it- ta da...
okay- that 's it for dreary old me- preparing self (i hope sufficiently) to remain alive and in control thru whatever comes - eeeeeekkkkkk... wait- just for today and right now- i am fine. right now- i am fine - right now- i am fine.
