struggling. On Monday, h wanted to have that face to face talk, but wanted to put the responsibility onto me as to when we could do it. Should I suggest that we talk over the weekend? Or should I leave it up to him to pursue that convo (although he is not the pursuing type... he did say for me to let him know)...grrrrrr.
I fear that If I don't ask for the convo, he will think I dont want to talk to him.
Also, I know I am to STFU... but, I need to have some verses prepared as comeback statements or things that I need to say, or could be saying that is truthful but safe..... (any help here?)
I will be working along side of him today. I don't want to be caught off guard with nothing to say if he should approach..
any advice or comments on this stuff?
Every time the ugly thoughts come in, I switch to a big stop sign and say "I value myself"...
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Yes.. you are right... i do get hyper focused and then the advice goes in one ear and out the other... likely true. I will read back again... I have retained some comments, but I swear I will need to write them on the inside of my hand to recall... I like the way others word things. Im not so good.
How do I approach him on having this talk? What do I say? or should I wait to see if he approaches me?
This morning he seemed quite interested in when I said I was doing "homework"... I asked if he was interested he said "yes, that he wants to learn what I have"... so I shared that I was working on goal setting... and he chimed in with his concerns, etc.... nice little chat about something other than WORK!!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
one of things that my x complained about, and there were many because complaining is her passion, is that she would say "Show me how to do X" and so i showed her. But what she wanted was for me to do X.
the moral of the story is say what you mean. dont play word games in an attempt not to scare him away. or to garner sympathy or support. thats what got you into this mess. that just makes it frustrating.
again, it all goes back to control what you can control, what changes do YOU need to prevent this same cycle happening again? Because the failure in your R was not entirely due to him and his MLC. What responsibility do you have in the breakdown of the R? What have you fixed in yourself?
after 20 threads of advice and support, nearly 1800 posts are still about him and his problems/confusion/MLC. you've made passing mention of groups you've joined, etc. but you're still focused about him and his MLC.
[ and this is different than the advice from MrBond about you making it all about his confusion all about you. This is about you fixing you, independent of the R. ]
the tone of your recent posts, the panic, the floundering in your words, the insecurities, are exactly the same as your first posts.
If you would focus on yourself, fix yourself, make yourself healthy, a conversation with him wouldn't cause such panic. you wouldnt fear saying the wrong words. you would be much more attractive, confident, etc.
BUT, if he comes to you intending reconciliation, without you having fixed yourself, what outcome would you expect?
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
There are five key elements of active listening. They all help you ensure that you hear the other person, and that the other person knows you are hearing what they say. 1. Pay Attention
Give the speaker your undivided attention, and acknowledge the message. Recognize that non-verbal communication also "speaks" loudly.
Look at the speaker directly. Put aside distracting thoughts. Don't mentally prepare a rebuttal! Avoid being distracted by environmental factors. For example, side conversations. "Listen" to the speaker's body language.
2. Show That You're Listening
Use your own body language and gestures to convey your attention.
Nod occasionally. Smile and use other facial expressions. Note your posture and make sure it is open and inviting. Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like yes, and uh huh.
3. Provide Feedback
Our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to reflect what is being said and ask questions.
Reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. "What I'm hearing is," and "Sounds like you are saying," are great ways to reflect back. Ask questions to clarify certain points. "What do you mean when you say." "Is this what you mean?" Summarize the speaker's comments periodically.
Tip:
If you find yourself responding emotionally to what someone said, say so, and ask for more information: "I may not be understanding you correctly, and I find myself taking what you said personally. What I thought you just said is XXX; is that what you meant?" 4. Defer Judgment
Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the speaker and limits full understanding of the message.
Allow the speaker to finish each point before asking questions. Don't interrupt with counter arguments.
5. Respond Appropriately
Active listening is a model for respect and understanding. You are gaining information and perspective. You add nothing by attacking the speaker or otherwise putting him or her down.
Be candid, open, and honest in your response. Assert your opinions respectfully. Treat the other person in a way that you think he or she would want to be treated.
Key Points
It takes a lot of concentration and determination to be an active listener. Old habits are hard to break, and if your listening habits are as bad as many people's are, then there's a lot of habit-breaking to do!
Be deliberate with your listening and remind yourself frequently that your goal is to truly hear what the other person is saying. Set aside all other thoughts and behaviors and concentrate on the message. Ask questions, reflect, and paraphrase to ensure you understand the message. If you don't, then you'll find that what someone says to you and what you hear can be amazingly different!
Start using active listening today to become a better communicator, improve your workplace productivity, and develop better relationships.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
The problem with having a set of prepared answers is that you have the tendency to spend the conversation waiting for your opportunity to use those answers.
and while you're watching for your opening, you're not truly listening. and this is very obvious to the other person.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
The problem with having a set of prepared answers is that you have the tendency to spend the conversation waiting for your opportunity to use those answers.
and while you're watching for your opening, you're not truly listening. and this is very obvious to the other person.
Yes!! ^^^ Very true. When I finally stopped doing that ^^^, W actually noticed and commented on it, and this was way back in the angry vemon-spewing alien days!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I am just curious how to approach the convo. And afraid of saying too much of my feelings (which will lead to tears)... Not sure what is too much info or what is just being honest. I guess it really doesn't matter if he knows that I love him. That I have been doing the work required to save myself. That I haven't had a bf or sex of any kind with anyone.... Not sure what questions I am allowed to ask, or what information I really want to know. What is non of my business or what I care about. What any of it matters if R isn't on the table.
Thinking "Ive been thinking of our conversation on Monday, you suggested we have a face to face honest talk... do you still want to do that?... I'm not sure how I feel about that"
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
on Monday, you suggested we have a face to face honest talk... do you still want to do that?
That's all you need to say to ask.
Let him lead, don't worry about what YOU need to ask. Just listen to him. If you ask questions, use the above types in that tips post.
And I suggest that you keep yourself from drilling down into clarifying and slicing 20 shades of detail and meaning. 1 or 2 will do, any more and he is going to feel (rightly so) interrogated, and that frustrates guys in general to no end, much less a guy maybe in MLC . Because he is not going to know down to that level of detail.
AND..."I don't know" is a valid answer! It means just that, he doesn't know!! Nothing else. Nothing to read into, nothing to spin up about.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
AND... I am afraid to give pieces of me(feelings) that may not be reciprocated. BUT, yet its what HE is needing/wanting to hear from me. Its like HE needs to know that I am in love with him, but he doesn't have to give it back!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
