separted six weeks still on the journey - II

[paul19510]

journaling: I had my session with coach Jody last evening. as always it was uplifting. She reminded me that my sitch is barely 2 months old and in this world that is quite young.

When I described my recent contacts and convo's with W regarding kids and regarding movie night, Jody responded that this is actually very good given the length of time we've been separate.

We discussed that when W left our marriage ceased (it burned to the ground). We removed our wedding rings and are now separate. This further symbolizes the end of what was.

Jody found hope in what I mentioned because rebuilding a new relationship often can only start with the outer portion of the marital life(my old T used to have me visualize the marriage as a series of circles with spouses back-to-back in the center, kids in the next ring, family in the ring beyond that and the world at large in the outer most ring). The kids and family relations have to be reshaped and rebuilt first. My W and I need to rebuild ourselves as well.

The fact that D16 is noticing that W and I are both reporting feeling healthier and happier is not necessarily a bad omen, rather its a part of the process. We are not staying broken. Even if we do not R, repairing ourselves and our family from the pain and dysfunction we just suffered through will be important to living healthy going forward. Jody reminded me of this during our call.

Next steps: last month, Jody asked me to showcase life with kids and attempt to engage W in that life. This month, given the developments I just explained, Jody asked me to quiet down about my personal accomplishments with kids and focus on our partnership in co-parenting. She reminded me that most people want to be part of the a winning team. She lives in CO and she was explaining the excitement over the broncos. Everybody wants to celebrate with the Team and be a part of that feeling. She reminded me to find those ideas in my partnership with W. We took a realistic look at whether or not we'll survive this as a marriage couple. its anybody's guess. but the steps we take now, will help to ensure that we are good parents.

Like I've said to W before, we created a living, breathing thing. the family we created will never die. Divorce papers don't do that. What we do now will set the stage for what comes next...whether its as co-parents or whether we find a way back to being intimate partners again...these things must happen.

I realized this morning that to me "standing" means holding my heart open to the possibility that W and I could be M, intimate partners again. I told Jody, I've been alone for so long now, that I don't want to be alone for much longer (not years anyway). She asked me to continue to monitor changes for another month. her theory is that my situation appears to be changing enough at the moment that I may see even further changes within that time that I don't see today.

She encouraged me to keep the legal talk out of it for now. within some near future, she said it was fair to tell W that I am beginning to pull away and detach and that her opportunities are beginning to narrow.

lastly, she encourages me to have a face-to-face with W only about kids and upcoming Niagara trip and boundaries like the sleep over to see what we can partner on. Build on partnership and success wherever I can for now. Consider what life me hold for me in future but don't press W too hard aobut it now. what a few more weeks and begin to mention that life is calling me if she still isn't making any moves.....

thoughts anyone...????