On your daughter's behavior I will share a few thoughts from my experiences. I know three people very well with ADHD....One is my ex-brother in law, one is my son (with aspergers mixed in...yeah), and the third is myself.
Like you....I did the logs, etc with my son. Pretty much everything the doc's told me to do and subsequently was called a controlling j#rk by the EX. I could also see that was I was doing was not working at all....actually seemed to make things worse. So then I did the proactive things and talked with my parents and my ex's parent about how the dealt with it. My Ex-FIL continued the very controlling behavior with fights, arguments,tight schedules, etc....for years. Now currently my ex-BIL lives in a car, can't hold a job or relationship, and basically blames the world for everything that is wrong in his life. Now my parents went the opposite way.....In a way they gave up. Around 11 they gave up punishment, arguing, and basically anything that controlled me. My mother told me it was like a light changed inside me....she would just discuss positively what I did/didn't do and the consequences in life and then move on....and then I would find my own path free of stress. Now I ended up with Physics degree, professional license, and overall a pretty good moral person.
So I have since employed the same with my son....arguments are now very few, chores get done without me having to saw a thing, he is off his med's, and life is way easier for both of us. We talk a lot about his life....and I listen. Sometimes I offer different ways of going about things, but more often then not I just listen.
Now those are just my experiences.....so take it at that as I am not a therapist.
"I feel things got worse between us when you started getting coaching/counseling."- Therapy is hard...facing your inner demons is hard....and usually things have to get worse before they get better
When you talk to me, you make me feel like I'm talking to a psychologist.- Very common saying when a husband switches from listening to hearing. Positive and good communication skills sound like therapy.....Why you ask? Because it is strange for a person who is used to just being listened to....to be heard. It is a change from the day to day life most of us encounter.
You spend lots of time trying to figure out how to word things.-Think first, then talk...Once again, she is not used to this type of behavior.
I am NOT having an MLC.- Why did you even bring this up to her LOL....never, Never, Never mention MLC to a walk away spouse...It is like telling an alcoholic they are an alcoholic. They need to discover this on their own.
I don't know you anymore.- Because you are working on changing.
You just want to control me.- This one is tough, but you are working on it. Control is a subtle beast....and comes in so many forms. Starting with the kids is a good exercise....when you ask them to do something.....do you ask or do you tell? There is a difference.
