Here I Am Again!

[Missmygirl]

I would appreciate some help navigating a minefield:

My wife repeatedly accuses me of being controlling. She says that I try to control her and the kids. I don't believe this is an accurate statement, but I have been making a conscious effort over the last year to ensure I am flexible. I often defer decisions to E to help her feel more in control. I'll ask her what she wants or what she thinks, and then I'll go with her recommendation.

Today I didn't do that and I didn't do it on purpose. As a result we ended up butting heads over something regarding one of our daughters. We have a daughter who is ADHD and has also been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, which is often found in people with ADHD. After attempting to reason with our daughter repeatedly, I finally told our daughter that she would have to do some log entries the way we would prefer that she do them. E and I have to check these entries everyday and it is much easier for us if they are done the way we requested she do them. Our 11 year old responded by stomping her feet, glaring, raising her voice to us and making sure that we knew she was not happy about it. In fact, she threatened to destroy the logs.

E witnessed all this, asked me into another room and then accused me of being controlling. She said that if our daughter didn't want to do it that way, then she shouldn't have to, since it's not safety or health related. She is willing to do the extra work to avoid a confrontation with our daughter.

I feel that if I stand my ground on something, I get accused of being controlling, however, if I avoid the accusation, it requires that it all be done to E's specifications. In this case, if I deny my daughter her way on something, except safety or health related issues, I am being accused of being controlling.

I am concerned that if we let our daughter do as she pleases whenever she disagrees with us (as long as it's not health or safety related) we are setting ourselves up for hell when our 11 year old reaches her teens. In addition, our daughter will think that in life, if she raises enough hell, she can get her way. That mentality will cause her a lot of difficulties later on in life.

Do any of you see a way to for me to assure E that I'm not trying to be a puppet master while simultaneously ensuring that my daughter complies with a demand I place on her?

Anyone brave enough to take this one on?