I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

Today was alright, had my IC, which was fine. It helps me to verbalize what I am feeling and say what is happening out loud to someone. This helps me because I feel like sometimes I think faster than I type, lol.

Last night as I was pulling out, she was pulling in. I was hoping I would get out before she got home. I had left a note as we always do, saying I would be back later. I stopped, since she was there, and told her I would be back later. Asked how her meeting went. It was a brief interaction, because I kept it short. This past summer, I broke my cell. I did not get a new one because of cost. She is a spender, so I never felt we could afford for me to get a new one, despite her spending. But contract on one line was at an end. I figure I will need one no matter what happens. So, I went and got one. I was ready to spend a couple hundred. That is huge because I am tight with money. Somehow, I only ended up spending 50, some weird deal that worked out great. I felt so good about doing it, because I was going to spend that money I was holding onto for something I wanted. Something I had held off getting myself for along time.
unfortunately, I had to call her to get our PW for the account, I had hoped not to say anything about where I was.

Today her note congratulated me on getting the phone. She also sent me a few text asking me how I was liking it. She also gave me her schedule for the day. This was weird. Her texting, and asking me about the cell. It was positive, but still felt weird. I left before she got home, saying I would be back tonight. I went to my moms, and spent the day helping her out, and having a lunch. I had been putting that off for awhile, but it got me out, and was some good hard work. She again texted and asked if I wanted anything from the grocery. She hates the grocery, lol, and never goes. I did the grocery shopping in our house. I said no and thanked her for asking. When I got home, she told me about her day, I showed her the phone. We joked a little. It felt almost normal. But then I could feel her pull back from talking. After awhile she said she was going to bed.

I have to keep pulling myself back to the moment. Staying present, in the here and now. Not worrying about what might or could happen. Two things loom ahead, one is the super bowl, I invited some people. Assuming she would not be here, but now she might be. I may just relocate the viewing to one of their houses and go there. Because my sister, who knows what is happening would be there, and it was awkward with her and my sister during the last game. So I don't know what her plan is.

The other, which is bigger is V day. I have always made a big production on this day. I am trying to think to much about this, but there is a lot of advertising throwing it back in my face. Will she go out with him, will she stay her and we will just pretend it is any other day. I wont be doing anything for her. I thought maybe if she does go out, I might go take my mom out. Since she is alone. I don't know. But I am alone right now and venting. I am bringing myself back now, cant worry about that, focusing on now.

I actually felt pretty good today. I am staying for the most part in the here and now. Not worrying about the future, but rather what I can do right now for me. It was a nice day, I had a good time taking care of things I had put off at moms house. IC was good. I ate, which has been hard, and played with my phone. the phone was a big thing for me. I have a few plans this week to do a few things I have wanted to do for years. I am pretty excited about that. Just taking it day by day moment by moment.

I'm going to tell you something that may hurt now but will help you later. You ALREADY lost her. Once the WAS BD's, they're already gone. Your goal is not to restore your M. You have to look at it as dead and gone. This is a wakeup call that you have to pursue a new path, make yourself into the person you never thought possible. Better, stronger, more attractive, more independent. Grieve the loss of your M and then get busy making yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave. When you do THAT, THEN she might look back. And if she does, your goal is to create a NEW R and M with her, not restore the old one.

I'll be honest, I have thought a lot about that 2nd sentence today. It was hard to hear that and has been difficult to digest. I guess I still have some denial there. I am trying though to take all of this here, in.