separted six weeks still on the journey - II

[paul19510]

Am I.describing signs of progress in my situation by what I am saying. Its hard to tell from living in it...does the question make sense?

[LITB]

Am I.describing signs of progress in my situation by what I am saying. Its hard to tell from living in it...does the question make sense?

I gather that you feel there are signs of progress. It remains to be seen if the way your W is behaving is a sign of progress. What I am trying to convey, is to proceed with caution. Try not to read too much into her actions.

When we read too much into actions, we attach expectations. Those expectations more often than not, become disappointments. Just trying to help you stay off of the emotional roller coaster.

[melissag]

When we read too much into actions, we attach expectations. Those expectations more often than not, become disappointments. Just trying to help you stay off of the emotional roller coaster.

I am the poster child for this ^^^. It's so true. And it happens even when you don't think you have expectations.

I know that DR talks about looking for baby steps and little improvements. But I am not sure that really does you any good in a S situation. I don't think there is much you can do if she takes baby steps towards you anyway - there's that squirrel analogy again. So I think that in your sitch you really need to be looking for a big step from her before you start to even think about mentioning R.

Sorry, I know that's not super encouraging at the moment. I think it's good to look at little positives, as long as you aren't attaching any expectations to them or trying to read into what your W is thinking. But it seems that is what you are doing. Keep focusing on yourself. Let your W bring up any kind of R talk - she will if she wants to.

[paul19510]

journaling: I had my session with coach Jody last evening. as always it was uplifting. She reminded me that my sitch is barely 2 months old and in this world that is quite young.

When I described my recent contacts and convo's with W regarding kids and regarding movie night, Jody responded that this is actually very good given the length of time we've been separate.

We discussed that when W left our marriage ceased (it burned to the ground). We removed our wedding rings and are now separate. This further symbolizes the end of what was.

Jody found hope in what I mentioned because rebuilding a new relationship often can only start with the outer portion of the marital life(my old T used to have me visualize the marriage as a series of circles with spouses back-to-back in the center, kids in the next ring, family in the ring beyond that and the world at large in the outer most ring). The kids and family relations have to be reshaped and rebuilt first. My W and I need to rebuild ourselves as well.

The fact that D16 is noticing that W and I are both reporting feeling healthier and happier is not necessarily a bad omen, rather its a part of the process. We are not staying broken. Even if we do not R, repairing ourselves and our family from the pain and dysfunction we just suffered through will be important to living healthy going forward. Jody reminded me of this during our call.

Next steps: last month, Jody asked me to showcase life with kids and attempt to engage W in that life. This month, given the developments I just explained, Jody asked me to quiet down about my personal accomplishments with kids and focus on our partnership in co-parenting. She reminded me that most people want to be part of the a winning team. She lives in CO and she was explaining the excitement over the broncos. Everybody wants to celebrate with the Team and be a part of that feeling. She reminded me to find those ideas in my partnership with W. We took a realistic look at whether or not we'll survive this as a marriage couple. its anybody's guess. but the steps we take now, will help to ensure that we are good parents.

Like I've said to W before, we created a living, breathing thing. the family we created will never die. Divorce papers don't do that. What we do now will set the stage for what comes next...whether its as co-parents or whether we find a way back to being intimate partners again...these things must happen.

I realized this morning that to me "standing" means holding my heart open to the possibility that W and I could be M, intimate partners again. I told Jody, I've been alone for so long now, that I don't want to be alone for much longer (not years anyway). She asked me to continue to monitor changes for another month. her theory is that my situation appears to be changing enough at the moment that I may see even further changes within that time that I don't see today.

She encouraged me to keep the legal talk out of it for now. within some near future, she said it was fair to tell W that I am beginning to pull away and detach and that her opportunities are beginning to narrow.

lastly, she encourages me to have a face-to-face with W only about kids and upcoming Niagara trip and boundaries like the sleep over to see what we can partner on. Build on partnership and success wherever I can for now. Consider what life me hold for me in future but don't press W too hard aobut it now. what a few more weeks and begin to mention that life is calling me if she still isn't making any moves.....

thoughts anyone...????

[LITB]

She gave you a good plan. I suggest to follow it and visit your last post often to keep the plan fresh in your mind.

[paul19510]

update: I had to call W today due to D16 wanting a new piercing and I wanted to discuss. We agreed to do it.

We also spoke about the upcoming trip for me and S12 and that D16 would like to stay at house but that I'd defer to W if she choses to stay her. I did try to set the boundary that W should tell me what the final outcome is prior to my leaving so that I understand what will be occurring while I am out of town.

I said to her that while this is her "house" as well, it is not her current "home" . she now has that with her parents. I asked that she respect this as my home and that I know what's occurring. She got mad. She feels entitled to be wherever it suits her.

She called D16 to reassert wanting to stay. they argued. W said why would you object to me staying there..? D16 said, "because you don't live here anymore and its not needed for you to stay and watch the pets. I'm here and can do it...."

W got offended. I texted W later that I reiterated to D16 that what W decides is what I will respect. She told me about the argument but changed the ending to say D16 told her that I do not want W here. She said "...its still half my house...."

all of this was over text. I texted W that I felt this was not a good conversation to have over text and that she should call me to go over peacefully. I also left her a voicemail with the same message. She did not answer the phone.

all of us here at the house are beginning to detach from this. We are moving forward as best we can given the current circumstances. W doesn't seem to like it.

[GreyMatter]

Hi Paul,
I've been dropping in and monitoring your sitch and have tried to post about 3 times now but get too far into it and realise how much I have to share with you.
I want to be the little beacon of light that may help you! My BD mid july so I have been at this for 6 months. I read the DR and got a phone coach and followed everything like gospel. I wanted everything to happen really quickly too but nothing actually progresses until you acquire all the necessary 'tools' you need. Letting go, patience, GAL etc etc we all know them and sometimes we tell ourselves we have them but don't.
I want to tell you that I have seen some progress in your posts so don't get disheartened. But yes be patient as you need to keep refocusing on you and GALing. It does appear sometimes as though your still hanging on her actions but this must be hard with older kids also. They come with mouths and brains and needless to say opinions! mine are only babies so I've been able to fend a lot from them.
However I did read in your posts about sharing things with your W in regards to kids etc and I want you to know I started growing a bit more of a backbone around 2 months and I refused to let my H let go of our children. My IC gave me some good advice which I took on board. I decided to tell my H that 'I could understand that he was dealing with some issues that kept him away from his children but I as the co-parent was prepared to put in more to allow for this drop. (not that I had a choice) That meant that I was going to send updates and pictures so he could just see and that he didn't have to respond. I also mentioned that if it takes him a year or so to figure himself out that his kids would give up on him if I didn't do this. I did not want this for my children. I told him that I thought he was still a decent person and as a friend and co-parent of beautiful children I was prepared to never say a bad word about him and always have his back.' There were other things I said but I'm sure you get the picture, I came in from entirely different angle (tried something different) Yes it worked and yes he started being around the kids more. And the animals and everything else before me. So, I showed admirable qualities and was prepared to get my hands dirty as his team mate not opposition.

Guess what? It's all about me now! and it will all be about you soon. (sorry I rambled on really just had to get it off my chest, sometimes wish I could upload my 6 month journal because it is crazy!) keep being positive it will happen!

[paul19510]

Thanks grey. She's angry now because I told her I wanted her to respect my home even though it is her house at th moment it's not her home. I think I poked thst bubble of the WAS that we talk about. She thinks that we were all just sitting where she leftnus. I told her we are not

[3boymom]

P - I had to have the same convo with my H. I had to tell him that he could not come into the house and take a shower, eat dinner or do his laundry. The first week or two he would try and push the boundary (ask if he could take shower, etc). When he realized it was going to stick, he just dropped it. I know that he still does not like it because he mentions it every once in a while. The weird thing is that he admits that my house no longer feels like his house.

So why do they care? My H cared because he wants to be in control. Just like your W. She does not like that the control has shifted a bit. She never thought that you would change things up. She probably thought that you would be desperate and always welcome her with open arms when she came around. I think that you are doing a great double following through on this boundary.

P - I hope that you know that you are doing a great job considering that BD just happened

[paul19510]

P - I had to have the same convo with my H. I had to tell him that he could not come into the house and take a shower, eat dinner or do his laundry. The first week or two he would try and push the boundary (ask if he could take shower, etc). When he realized it was going to stick, he just dropped it. I know that he still does not like it because he mentions it every once in a while. The weird thing is that he admits that my house no longer feels like his house.

So why do they care? My H cared because he wants to be in control. Just like your W. She does not like that the control has shifted a bit. She never thought that you would change things up. She probably thought that you would be desperate and always welcome her with open arms when she came around. I think that you are doing a great double following through on this boundary.

P - I hope that you know that you are doing a great job considering that BD just happened

Thanks 3 and Grey. I did do one thing today after reading grey's post. I sent a text to W to ask if she would like a pic or 2 from S12's game today. I told her that we are all detaching from her, but that the kids detachment was what really bothered me. I mentioned that I struggled with keeping her in touch with kids activities and lives without actually over-communicating.

I empathized that yesterday was probably uncomfortable for her to hear (but necessary) from D16 and me that she no longer lives here and, that given the current situation she should not consider this her home . She admitted that it was difficult to hear. She was glad to see pictures from the game. She complimented S and he felt that mom paid some attention to his accomplishments. I fell she's damaging her R with the kids and I am trying to help that be less so. if she were to return, she'll come back to a place that she barely recognizes. We've all had to change to make things work.

Now that games are over for the weekend, I'm back to essentials only. that's actually becoming much easier now. I think I'm really starting to let go a lot more that I realized.