This ^^^^^ is what I am understanding finally & now Ken, and trying to do now.... Again, I do not want to "control" the outcome. I need to know the truth of the outcome either way... not because I was steering it. I get it now!
Although, H is being very responsive since Monday night. He texted 2 more times last night (still about work...but unimportant stuff, just to touch base), it even seems like he is trying to do things to please me, to not get into a disagreement with. Saying things like "ok, you decide & however you want to deal with it" in a light calm voice. Not regimented & decisive firm, like I am used to him being.... its almost like he is walking on eggshells for me now.
Wondering if I should comment why he is being so nice/responsive/easy... or would that spook him away? I think I will just enjoy the niceness.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Do not say anything to him about the way he's being right now, i.e., nice, responsive, easy. Learn to enjoy those times when he's nice.
Learn to keep quiet and not make comments about his behavior...you might be pleasantly surprised that when you are quiet, he'll be more receptive to wanting to talk and do things w/you, even if it's only for the business. As the saying around here goes...STFU.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
"Wondering if I should comment why he is being so nice/responsive/easy... or would that spook him away?"
Controlling and manipulative. You're trying to force him to make certain realizations. And I KNOW you're going to say "no I'm not". I'm saying you are.
Count them as nice interactions and stop trying to interpret why he is or isn't doing things. You continue to have expectations. Let it go and as job says... STFU.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
ok... just thought maybe a general statement would be like throwing him a bone for good behaviour..... (as in Sandi's 37 rules)
My friend suggested a general statement: "things seem a bit less stressful, its nice"
BUT... if you guys say STFU, then STFU I will do!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, I want to go back to a posting of yesterday and I'm copying your response to me because it needs additional clarification. Please go to the last line of your paragraph below.
"Job ~ as above... Of course I have read those boards. I have thrived in them. I just wanted support. I am not always looking for 'answers'. Alot of the time I am venting and just want someone to agree with me. I have done all kinds of re-reading others & my threads. When I say "I don't know how to be around him, especially now due to new bomb"... what I am really saying is "has anyone dealt with this? How did you deal? What was a good/bad thing you did and would/wouldn't do again"...again, just wanting support. I know my reactions, my responses are mine. I feel I have taken control of myself over this last year. I still spin at times, BUT the length of time is WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY shorter now. Also, I have been satisfied with the advice...just missing the support."
My question to you is what is your definition of support? The reason that I am asking is because you have indicated that you are getting advice but no support and I want to clear that area up w/you.
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the definition for support (transitive verb) is as follows: to agree with or approve of (someone or something; to show that you approve of (someone or something) by doing something; and/or : to give help or assistance to (someone or something).
Magic, you have been getting support from not only the posters in the Newcomers Forum, but the MLC Forum since you began posting. Providing advice, coming here and periodically repeating ourselves and posting even when we are tempted to walk away is called support. Advice giving is support, arguing w/you is support, coming here and trying to help you get on the right path by pointing out that you are mind reading, over analyzing, and yes, even seeking that magic potion that doesn't exist is support. We've tried to encourage you to get yourself set up financially and that's support. Posters have validated some of your positives and yet, I don't think you realize it's support.
Each and every Forum on this Board provides advice and support to the people who post. We may not always agree w/what we post to each other...but it's support and the posters know that if they come here someone is going to respond to their postings. The advice and support may not always be what the poster wants to hear, but that's their choice as to whether to post a response back or try to do what we suggest or ignore the posting. It's the posters responsibility to "weed out" what doesn't apply to them.
Advice and support go hand in hand.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Job... the "support" I was looking for was just a buddy for the moment. Please don't read more into that, as I do KNOW that I get advice, support, 2x4's here. Alot of the time, people give me the same responses... as if I am asking for responses, when I am really just venting and needind someone to say... I understand... He's a jerk, take a breathe, calm down, etc... As I was told yesterday, MY posts are not always written the way that I want the reader to understand... MY shortfall.
Bond ~ Yes, I keep trying to understand "why"... I agree he probably doesn't even know...
currently, I would say that my "responsive h" has gone back in the hole for a bit. He isn't replying to my text, or client phone calls ATM.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
If you are venting, then you might want to caution posters that you are just venting. We can't read your mind as to whether you are just venting or seeking advice, etc.
Keep the focus on you and leave your SO to figure things out. You can't control or fix him. He has to do that. The more you try, the longer it's going to take for him to figure things out.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am always OPEN to receive advice whether I am venting, journalling or blabbing along. If someone has something to add, I want to hear it. Whether its advice or a pat on the back... I appreciate it ALL.
Ok... focusing on me... (admin work to finish up, then dinner/bible study group... thank God)...
Lord, please keep me busy/occupied....keep my mind off h.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
