I didn't want to come off sounding like a controlling person, this I am not by no means. What I meant by this was I want to start saving our M. I know I still have things to learn (don't we all, life is a continual learning process) but I feel that I have made great strides & want to move forward with the M. That is all I meant by this.
I know my W is also working on things, she told me this both verbally & via text when we were dealing with the middle child missing me.
What W wants now is someone to place here 1st & take care of her, which is what OM is doing, heck they are both placing eachother 1st & the kids are suffering (my D told me that mom doesn't spend as much time with them when OM is in town). These are the things I wasn't showing during the last few months of the M when times were rough. I know that everyone needs to feel loved & cared for.
The statements you just said are true, that is what I want...what does she want. As of right now not me because she is content with OM. As mentioned before W is testing me, complimenting me on my appearance, how she notices the changes & strides I've made. W has also mentioned that if I moved back right now I'd be good for a few months then go right back to my old self; saying that 2 1/2 months isn't long enough to have the changes stick. I agreed.
As you can see W & her thoughts are all over the place. As for her strides/changes she feels that the mistakes in the marriage were my fault...so she has made no changes to her life. I know it takes 2 to tango but I have to admit I took the lead. This is why me moving out was the best thing that could of happened to me, it opened up my eyes & made me realize how important my family is to me.
Responding on an earlier post that I missed, you are right about the statements that you put in bold. Sometimes by saying little or nothing you've said enough
Right. So now you have to wait until SHE catches up.
It is going to take a while, especially with OM in picture. As long as he is around, the only thing you can do is work on you, be your best self, at all times. Back off, don't push, pressure or try to "sell" the new you. That tells her that YOU are not listening. That she isn't heard.
And subconsciously, she says, "He hasn't changed. He's still thinking of his needs and wants first, pressuring me. I'm not ready, I am not sure. But there's no way I'm going back to him, or feel positive about him as long as he is this way."
And I firmly believe our spouses know us very, very well, and can tell when we are "trying", when we are watching them for signs, when we get antsy, etc. That why these changes we make have to be for US, and real, M or no M. They can tell.
And your W has told you this...she sees, but doesn't believe, YET.
Its good that she is noticing, and communicating that to you. Probably means she isn't "done" done.
So while she catches up, what kind of man do you want to be? Who do you want to be? Just for you...not W or married to W. You have some time to kill, right? Best get using it while you can.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Your right I don't think W is "done" done yet. Based on what I've seen & what she has said & done I think she is confused & has questions to ask herself & answer as well.
This post I'm writing as I'm sitting at the house hanging with the kids & waiting to take D to gymnastics. W has conferences tonight, guess she trusts me enough to be there alone or with the kids; this happens from tine to time.
How is this for not thinking with a clear head. W didn't know what her plans were yet for the weekend; I have my D & stepson is with his dad. Since I had to drive D back up to gymnastics & wait for her I asked W if she wanted to complete the post bankruptcy online questionnaire while D was at gymnastics, perfect opportunity to do so. W's plans were up in the air based on if she found get her car in for some work (didn't feel safe driving it). She was able to get it in & got a loaner; a gas hungry Suburbian. Now plans just got filled for the weekend. Decided to leave at 5:00 for the 3 1/2 hour drive to OM house only to have to leave at 8:00 am Sunday morning to make it to D's gymnastics meet at 11:30. I think the cost for gas + lack of time = a "lust" based decision. This could be my bitterness showing, which I'm only displaying on forum not in real life.
Still being positive, giving space, & trying to not let it bother me, but sometimes a little frustration sneaks through the cracks of me trying to do better fir myself.
Tough situation you are in. Keep doing your best to not let it bother you. Your W is probably still living in a fantasy world at this point. Hopefully this will wear off and she will come back to reality.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
