Hi I typed in Miracles in Divorce in the internet and this site showed up. We have been married 8 years on Tuesday. In October husband told me he wasn't happy and wanted out. He never loved me. I suffocated him. I made the changes he wanted. Then on December 28th he told me it was completely over. I filed for divorce in January to protect my children's assets. I do not want this at all. He wanted a dissilusionment and was furious I filed first. I had my first counseling session with a DB coach last week. Made me feel a lot better at least about myself and gave me some fresh ideas to try. The complete opposite of what I had been doing. Begging, Pleading. Getting him to see my side. Just finished reading The divorce remedy.
Advice and support would be great. We have 3 children. 6 years, 2 years and 6 months. Together 11 years and married 3 years.
W-38 H-42 T-11 M-8 C-6,2,6 months BD-Oct 1 2013 DFiled-Jan 6 2014 Went Dark - April 4, 2014
We are always so happy to hear that your DB Coach was a great help. Learning the correct approach and new strategies for positive change, is what Divorce Busting does. Thanks for your input and keep up the good work. Take care.
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
Tried to follow what the DB coach said for this week. Smile and laugh and be friendly. Tonight received an email from my attorney showing his attorney's proposed parenting plan. Then I received a text from him saying Please don't be mad. Let's let our attorney's handle this part. I really regret our shouting match last Monday. I didn't reply at all. I can't handle the thought of losing my children 1/2 the time. I saw in a previous post that I said married 3 years. Typo - Married 8 years.
W-38 H-42 3 Children - 6 months,2 years, 6 years T-11 years M -8 Years BD-October 5 2013/ Divorce started - JanuarY 6TH
W-38 H-42 T-11 M-8 C-6,2,6 months BD-Oct 1 2013 DFiled-Jan 6 2014 Went Dark - April 4, 2014
It's great that you're talking with a coach. Keep their advice in the forefront of your mind.
Do you have specific questions for this forum? My best advice at this point is to post often to keep your posts on the first couple of pages. It also helps to make a sig with the bones of your sitch so you don't have to keep repeating yrs married, kids ages, etc.
What were your husband's complaints? Why isn't he happy?
You will feel support but you might also be challenged.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
My husband feels he never loved me and just married me because he was afraid he wouldn't find someone else. He then feels (quite rightly that as soon as we got married I turned into a doormat) My first thought was what can I do to make him happy and we never fought. I would give him the silent treatment but never speak up if I was mad. My pregnancies were horrible (throwing up every day all day for 9 months each time) I gained a lot of weight and he felt I just used him for his money though I worked two jobs and had the kids with me. We never believed in daycare. HE also felt like I didn't keep the house clean enough, didn't have a nice dinner on the table every night and just wasn't interested in being intimate with him. He felt like I stopped taking care of myself. He felt like I loved our hobby farm and the work I did out there more than him. When he came to me in October. I made all the changes he asked. Dressed up, dropped weight (weight 118 lbs - go me:) Made sure a nice meal was on the table and the house was very organized (as much as possible with 3 children:) and to get personal made sure our intimate life was fantastic. He said yes you made all the changes but it can't replace 7 years of hell and suffocation. Ironically he was never really involved in the kids lives - Busy working 100 hours a week his two jobs and now that we are apart he is Mr. Dad and he feels the children are so much happier now that we are apart. It truly hurts that in the past 3 weeks he is becoming this great dad and that was one of my biggest complaints. It feels like since I am out of the picture. We each have the children about 1/2 the time he can step up. All I WANTED was to be a great wife and mother and have a great marriage. I feel like I've lost everything. Ironically the farm he hated is the one other thing he want's out of the marriage. Said he wants me to suffer by losing it the way he suffered our entire marriage. I did all the wrong things, begging and pleading at the beginning. After my first conversation with the coach I am happy and pleasant when we are together and trying to get my own life going. Though I admit it is hard because I am in the process of dismantling what I believed my entire future to be. I know at some point I will look back and see that this trial has ended but right now it is the hardest thing I have had to deal with. I was with my children 24/7 and now to only be with them 1/2 the time is destroying me inside.
W-38 H-42 T-11 M-8 C-6,2,6 months BD-Oct 1 2013 DFiled-Jan 6 2014 Went Dark - April 4, 2014
Hi I replied here a few days ago. Not sure what happened to the post. I am trying to be civil and pleasant when I see him. No more begging and pleading or arguing and screaming. We are each staying in the house and when it is the other person's turn with the kids the other leaves to go somewhere else for the few days. . He is being extremely polite to me.
His problems was/are he felt he never loved me and then when we did get married I turned into a doormat. I used the silent treatment to get my way. He feels I just used him for his money and he was more like my father than a husband. He is so angry with me and feels that we never had a true marriage. In my defense - Can I have a defense? Before we were married I was this world traveller and after we got married I just never said anything to keep him happy which we saw how well that worked. He feels I was more my parents child than his wife. We had 3 children in 6 years and with each of my pregnancies I get incredibly sick the entire time. I did let myself go looks wise.
He felt like I had an emotional affair with my business and everything ranked above him. I felt like he never wanted to be with me. He worked 80 hours a week and I raised the kids on my own. Now amazingly he has stepped up in the last month since we are living separately that when he has the kids he is becoming Mr. Dad. Before I would beg him to do stuff with us and he always said he had to work. Hurts badly to realize it is truly me that he doesn't want to be with. In October when he told me of some of his issues. He felt the house wasn't organized, dinner wasn't on the table, and I had let myself go and we weren't intimate enough. I stepped up - Had the house immaculate every day, Made sure a nice dinner was made. Lost weight (down to 118 lb- go me.) Our intimate life became a high priority. He stated that me making all of those changes made it worse since I could have been doing them all from the beginning. He just couldn't get over the past. He has never and will never love me the way I need to be loved. He is a good actor because I always felt very loved during our marriage. I admit I needed to grow up and each day I see that this whole mess is even more my fault.
It hurts so bad to realize I'm going to lose my family, my children 1/2 the time, one of my homes, my business (one of my businesses was rescuing horses and working with children that had special needs or had lost a sibling, parent and just teaching children the value of hard work etc). I am now in the process of placing most of these animals, telling these kids there happy place is gone and trying to explain to my oldest why all her dreams and plans have to change.
A few days ago I received his proposed parenting plan from our attorney. We were texting at the time regarding where to pick up the kids. I texted and said I just recieved the proposed parenting plan and he texts back "Please don't get mad. Let's just work through our attorney's on that stuff. We've been talking well again about the kids and I'd like to keep that going. I regret the yelling match between us the other night." I did not respond but how am I supposed to not get mad when I am losing my children 1/2 the time. I feel as if I'm losing everything and everyone important to me while his life just keeps getting better and better.
My friends and family have never liked him which doesn't help because I truly believe they are all a little happy and relieved the marriage appears to be over.
Is there any hope to save this. I am going forward as if it is over but I am still hoping and praying that somehow someday we can reconcile. I am planning on setting up the 2nd session with my coach. Not sure what to ask in the second session. First session was mostly explaining what was going on.
W-38 H-42 T-11 M-8 C-6,2,6 months BD-Oct 1 2013 DFiled-Jan 6 2014 Went Dark - April 4, 2014
Okay I see him tomorrow when it's his turn to be with the kids. Going to either be polite or not speak at all. I have tried the not speaking but hate to be rude in front of the kids. Sad to day I had my kids old babysitter to dinner and my oldest asked if it was so Daddy and I could go on a date. That's why we used to have her. I said not tonight honey:( Have my second session next Monday. Just wondering what I should ask the next time. Have been reading Dobsons tough love.
W-38 H-42 T-11 M-8 C-6,2,6 months BD-Oct 1 2013 DFiled-Jan 6 2014 Went Dark - April 4, 2014
You were on moderation, as everyone is, in the beginning.
Your H sounds like a demanding guy. When you say "we" didn't believe in daycare, is that true? If your H was working 100 hrs/week that meant it all fell to you. Was that what you wanted?
If you had 2 businesses why did all those household chores fall to you?
Did you change things you wanted/needed to change or just everything on his laundry list of things I hate about W?
Why didn't friends and family like him?
Why do you need to not speak to him when he's there? You can be polite and friendly without being pursuing.
OK enough questions.
I am sorry you're facing this with little babies.
You're not alone.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Hi Thank you! It helps to pour out my heart. Yes - I never wanted my children in daycare. I was blessed to be able to take them to both jobs with me. I did change the things he wanted but some of them I needed to change. I am an only child and was very spoiled growing up. I don't think I ever learned how to be a wife. I am a great mom but I was not a good housekeeper. Bonus is now the house looks amazing all the time. I am proud of that. I would always choose to take the kids for example to the zoo instead of doing laundry, cleaning house. For the past few months I have been using flylady and implementing cleaning changes. Having everything organized actually makes me happier.
He never wanted to interact with my family. My mom and him did not have a good relationship. Unfortunately I would always pour my heart out to her instead of telling him. Made her hate him. Although doing things with his family was mandatory so for the past few years I would just tell him as I was leaving that I'm going to do such and such and not give him time to go. I had gotten tired of him backing out at the last moment so stopped inviting him. I know that I contributed to a lot of the problems in the marriage. I was willing to work on them and had been. Whereas he believes he was the perfect husband that just didn't love me and needs to be free to find his own happiness and not be suffocated. I pushed for just a separation when he brought up a dissilusionmemt but he said Absolutely Not. He feels like he is finally able to breathe now. I speak with people that are going through a divorce/separation and they all say it is the hardest thing they have ever done. For him he feels so happy and it is the best thing he has ever done. Hurts so much to be completely and totally rejected by the person that promised to be with you forever. I am dying inside not being with my children 1/2 the time. Especially when I have always been there for them all the time. And now he has stepped up to be Mr. Dad. He felt like he just wanted to nap and not be with them/us but now that he is on his own he said he has to do it and has the energy since I'm out of his life or soon will be. I was polite today and left within 5 minutes of him arriving. I did text him early this morning to tell him what food for the kids was needed. I debated about it but since there was a huge ice storm last night I did not want him taking our children out in the snow. I also told him that when he goes he can take his dog with him, and bring it back when he is there. I'm tired of taking care of it. I said I would take my dog when I go. He wanted this dog but has never taken him to the vet or did anything that was needed for him. (I did) I told him at the beginning of the month he's due for shots, tags etc. I felt like he always played while I sacrificed. It hurts so much because when the BD happened in October I was in shock because I truly believed he would never leave. Then I worked on all of my issues and it was great the last 3 months except that I do see that I kept saying "Are you staying" Actually about 3 weeks in I told him to Leave if he wasn't happy and he begged for more time. Then in late December when we separated completely he said he realized he will never love me even in 10 years and he has to get out now. It will make the kids happier in the long run. A few weeks ago I told him that the oldest was crying and moping. He said I was lying and the only one sad about this was Me and for me to get over it.
I had finally felt grown up and saw what marriage should be like. Just that now it is way to late. The divorce is on it's way and I'm still in shock. I'm also not a very patient person - Learning patience:) Every day brings with it a roller coaster of emotions. He is a good person. I think we both are older but needed a lot of growing up and I feel like our kids are suffering for our mistakes. I am willing to do what it takes to save/restart this marriage but I feel it may be to far gone. Is it always this bad when one walks out. Another bonus is I never spoke up for the entire time we were married. I would give him the silent treatment and just try to figure out what would make him happy. Now that I know he is gone I feel that I can say what I want, argue because he's already gone. I wish I would have been my true self the entire time because what I did pushed him even farther away.
Thanks for listening!
W-38 H-42 T-11 M-8 C-6,2,6 months BD-Oct 1 2013 DFiled-Jan 6 2014 Went Dark - April 4, 2014
Hello mic, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can really relate to fear and the rollercoaster you are on right now. Stay strong, I am very new to this, but I will keep up with you.
Hugs to you.
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
