Don't Break Character

[Raine]

Thanks everyone

job, the kids are amazing. I have quite a following on RL FB due to all the things they say and do. The little man is 9 months now, and he is crawling all over and into everything. He has these massive eyes with super long, thick eye lashes, just like H. He is finally starting to grow into them. In fact, it's not just his eyes. He is a near clone of H, which is something I prayed for. If I can't have a girl, at least can he look like H? I think that was a pretty big bonding thing for H, because H felt like he was pushed into having a baby. I didn't know that until after I was pregnant, assuming we were following our family plan we had decided on for years. H has said recently he is really glad we have him and that we did get pregnant.

I'm really glad that I also went part-time, remote. It's hard to have that power and influence removed, but at the same time, I know I could always get that back. I can't get back the time I have right now. And this time with them while they're little means so much more to me than anything career-wise. The happiness I have each day with them is greater than any success I've had in the office.

I'm glad that my story can help others. I know when I came here I was looking for anything positive, anything to give me hope that there was a chance. And I found it here. I had a massive amount of hope after I found this board and started reading on MLC. I would never say that here of course. Imagine the 2x4s of expectation that would fall on me for that!

I thought, okay, it's gonna be a year. A year of hell, but at the end, it's going to be worth it. Be strong, focus on you, and you can do it. Follow those checklists! You can do anything temporarily.

I had done the calculations. I could see where he was. I knew the timelines. I could compare my timeline with rH and dozens of others and knew it would be a year. Despite everyone thinking that the baby arriving would be the wake, no I knew. One year.

As time went on, I got strong, super-woman strong. Even though I may have done a lot of those "work on you" things in the beginning for him, or as a "fake it til you make it," those things became a part of the real me. And people saw it. People who knew I was alone with these little boys, a newborn, working and juggling it all couldn't understand it. They would talk to me and ask, "What are you doing? You're not surviving. You are thriving. You are glowing. You are so happy." I saw it. I really liked me! I knew I could do anything, with or without him. He felt that shift and that drew him to me.

I was hanging on for him, to get him to a better place. At that moment there was very little there I was hanging on for me. It was then I knew what it felt like to love someone without condition. I had no expectations. My expectation was that he would get through this, and we would go through divorce, and we would be very good friends and co-parents. My fairytale of the MLC journey of yucky-replay turn to eternal, romantic bliss was gone. My second fairytale was gone. My calculations of one year were gone. I didn't hold onto that anymore.

But that year mark came and things were changing. Things were changing just like that old Raine in the bunker after BD always thought they would. She knew that if she did her part, the rest could be possible. The rest could be possible if she gave H the chance to do his part too. I have to pinch myself to even think that this is not some dream that BD Raine imagined. This is real.

I told H about my fairytales. I told him how BD destroyed my fairytale of guarantee, of us being together forever, no worries, complete trust. I said, "You know there are bad things with that, but there are very good things with that too. I had a very innocent, tunnel vision of things. My scope has been opened. That allows me to see and feel so much more. I appreciate what we have, because I know that it is not guaranteed. I work for it, put my heart into it, because it means so much more now than it ever did before. Everything has meaning. I have compassion, understanding, and love, on a deeper and greater level than I ever could have before."

I told him about the fairytale of our separation. That I had pinned hopes and expectations on this is what would happen. I told him I let go of that too. I said I don't have any fairytales anymore.

And with tears in his eyes he said, "I want to give that to you again. I will spend the rest of my life working to give you your fairytale."

I know he doesn't get it like I do. But I feel that it's genuine. I feel like he will work hard the rest of his life to bring me joy, to built our relationship. I feel like I am the most important thing in his life and he has a hold of me with both hands, tightly gripped.