I’m not sure what to do any more. That is the main reason I’m posting here. I feel as if I have a situation that is no good either direction I pick.
History: After we had children, most of my energy went into taking care of them (one is a slow learner, maybe a bit of Asberger’s, and is years behind other kids her age, so she’s difficult to teach). I took on the task of being a homeschool mom. Most of my time was spent working with my children and learning techniques to find curriculum every year and instruct them. Anyway, this ate up most of my energy, and my M deteriorated because of it. Not fights or arguments, just a lack of libido on my part, and I just didn’t spend enough time with H and nurturing our M.
Over the past 10 years or so H had a few OOW/EA and one sexual affair. As soon as I found out about each one I said to stop, which he did. The affairs would usually come up every two years or so.
Sept 2013: H actually asks me if he can have an affair. I say OK as long as I don’t know about it (yeah, that sounds really dumb, but I had no libido at the time and didn't want to lose him). I figured he would have a one-night stand and be done with it. Not much later H begins acting very flirty and loving around me, which is nice, but not his usual self (we care for each other, but not in such an outgoing way).
Nov 2013: I found out that H had been having an ongoing EA with an old HS buddy that he met at his HS reunion in Sept 2013—txting and calling daily and a couple expensive gifts were given/offered. I told him this is not what I meant by an affair, but he says I gave my permission, so it’s partially my fault, too. H refuses to give OW up but insists that they can be friends. He accuses me of running his life and holding back sex for many years, so he had no other choice. I tell him we may need to separate.
late Nov 2013: I begin to study our R and begin working on it in earnest. I realize that I had not given enough time and attention to our R. Luckily, one of my D is going to public school, and I hired tutors for my LD daughter. I now have more time for myself for once. I make a point to contact my husband more often for reasons other than business matters. I work on connecting with him. He is very loving toward me. I change the time I go to bed (9 pm instead of midnight), so that we can go to bed together. This helps our closeness. I initiate sex more often, and we progress in that area very nicely :-)
Dec 2013: H and OW have curtailed txt/calls greatly, but they are still “friends.” I ask H to not contact her over Christmas because my family is in town, and I don’t want to have an emotional meltdown while they are here. This request is satisfied.
Jan 2013: H and OW start communication again. Mostly H seems to be the one contacting her, but OW is happy to reply. H has no other friends, and never really has. All of his friends have been women, it seems, and they all turn into EAs. When I tell him this he becomes defensive, says I want to control his life (stop him from having friends), and he can’t help it that he has these kinds of “friendships” and that is just the way he is (he did have two very good female friends when we were dating, and his groomsman was actually a woman).
We begin seeing an MC. I hate these sessions because I always cry, and we always talk about how I feel, but it never seems to change the way my H feels about OW. Even though H sees and hears how upset this “friendship” makes me, he refuses to stop contacting OW. He continues to put partial blame on me for them getting together and says they are just friends. His txts to her are about mundane, everyday things, but I know that they are still in contact, and it breaks my heart every time I think about it (which is too often). If something is this hurtful to me, and he truly loves me, why won’t he give it up? That’s what constantly runs through my head.
So I am debating what to do—Husband constantly tells me how much he loves me and is very affectionate. I feel separating is not a good idea, as we actually function very well as a couple (except for the OW). He never contacts her during our family time or when I am with H, thank Heavens. I have daily struggles and about every three days I am very depressed. Yes, I did push him away for many years, and he often falls on that excuse to keep the friendship going with the OW. Obviously this friendship is hurtful to me, but it never impedes on my time with my H or our family time. Can an affair actually turn into a friendship? Do I let this friendship continue or put my foot down when my H really has no other friends? Will his distance (because of loss of friend) help or harm our marriage?
----------------------------- Me-50 Married 25 yrs D15, D18 Husband is “friends” with OW
