Figured I would give a small update considering it has been awhile, plus I think I am experiencing a bit of anxiety that I need to work through -- and, believe it or not, posting does in fact help.
So if you look at the last paragraph in my last post that whole situation plays itself out today and tomorrow. I have my appointment with my IC today in the late afternoon and XW has hers tomorrow in the early evening. Just to give some context, there have been several (three, to be exact) incidents where XW has wanted to talk to my IC together. The most recent had to do with S, once it was about a homework assignment my IC gave me and asked that I share with her, and once was about the holidays.
My IC thought it would be best if XW went on her own first without me -- and truthfully, I think that was the best approach. I have been going to her for awhile now and I think everyone would be more comfortable if there was somewhat of an individual rapport in place. At a bare minimum, I don't want XW to think she is walking into an ambush where she gets beat up. Thanks to the folks here I know that I have a great IC and that is by no means the way she operates. I would figure that after one or two individual appointments maybe we would go in together if it makes sense to do so. I suspect that a lot of it will be about S, but I also think it is impossible to talk about S without discussing the two of us.
In many ways part of me wishes this is the help we would have gotten when she moved back in the spring (I hope you are reading this SM34). Even if it is just about S, we soooo needed a professional third party to help us navigate.
Over the course of this ordeal, I have learned to do my best to let go of outcomes but in doing so I struggle with the notion of "hope". I do not know what this pending dance with IC will bring, but hopefully it won't make things worse. Part of me finds it striking that she has been the one to repeatedly ask (or suggest) to go whenever things come up. Though I do know that I have said in writing before that if she is ever open to the notion of going to see my IC I would be supportive of it.
So why the anxiety? I guess because there is much uncertainty....and for me, hope mixed with uncertainty sometimes raises my anxiety level a notch or two. Don't get me wrong, I have surely gotten better about it - but I have not put all of that reaction to rest just yet.
In terms of how XW and I have been relating to one another, things have been friendly. You will all be pleased to know that I do not proactively reach out or write letters or anything like that anymore. I am giving her more space and distance than ever before. And when she contacts me I wait quite awhile before I respond. I have gotten pretty good at squashing my urge to say hi, or ask how she is doing.
Strangely enough, the other day she just texted me something really funny out of the blue. I responded and she laughed and said she was glad I thought it was funny because sometimes other people don't get her sense of humor. It was a minor thing, but it felt nice to hear from her about something that wasn't about S or something. Much later in the week I shared something with her that I saw that I thought was funny and we had a good laugh about it. I am grateful that at least we can still relate to one another in humor.
Thanks for listening. I feel a little less anxious. As always, any and all feedback is welcomed and appreciated. Are my "sherpas" 25 and Sandi still out there??
Hope you all are doing well and finding strength -
