separted six weeks still on the journey - II

[paul19510]

Hi M! thanks for checking in on me. Its means alot to me. She's been pulling away from all of us. In speaking more my my IC last night he theorised that it has to do with avoidance of intimacy. in the M or in other close R's. Its not something that I can fix and it may ultimately doom us. I hate to sound perssimistic, but it ain't lookinig pretty

[3boymom]

Hi P. Sorry you had a rough night. My H was similar to your W. H left, yet would come into my house like he still lived there. H would bring his laundry, lounge in our bed, take a shower. H would come over for dinner if he wanted. I finally had to sit down with him and lay down some boundaries. I told him that while he could watch the kids in our house, my room/bathroom were off limits. I told him that he could not just swing by for dinner, eat and leave. He would only want to take the older kids out and leave me with S1. I told him that we could have set times that he needed to be with the kids and only those times could be come to the house. So my H has the kids (all of them) on Wednesday/Friday. I just leave the house and don't come home until 9 pm (sometimes it is later depending on my activity). He is in charge of everything (dinner, bead times, etc). Since I set up these boundaries, things have been a lot better. We have been able to co-parent in a more positive manner. H has become a MUCH better dad. I cant even tell you the difference. For the first 11 months of S1's life, my H probably held him three times and maybe changed two diapers (my H does not even have one picture with S1 - so sad). Within a month, S1 was his little buddy because the arrangement forced him to be responsible for him. H realized that he could be a great, attentive dad. H learned that he could not be on his phone/computer and make sure that they were all still alive at the same time. H also had his own time to figure out things that he wanted to do with the kids instead of depending on me. I have read that the WAS will come back to everyone else first (friends, kids) and then the LBS last. I think that it is a huge positive sign that your W attempted to do something with the kids. I think that you just need to put some boundaries in place so that everyone knows what to expect.

[paul19510]

Hi 3 Thanks for checking in. I just had a convo with W, she called me today to say, ..."kids are not ready on time and make me late for work... we have to team up better to get them going...." funny its just ME. SHE LEFT! I wonder who the comment was directed to.

W pointed out that S 12 was not done his Homework again this morning and that she feels he should be working on I more diligent in the evenings. Again, SHE'S NOT HERE EVER!

I told W that I was taking her out of the loop and sending kids to school on the bus if she was not able to get to work on time. this will force kids to have a choice, get ready on time and go with mom or Take the bus if you can't be ready when mom is.

I did mention to W that we've all have ALOT on our emotional plates in the past 7 weeks. I wonder why and that the kids are fairing well despite the issue(s).

She and I have to sit down and talk. I think Saturday morning is going to have to be a little heart to heart. Getting really tired of this ride.....I will speak with my Coach tonight about my idea and how to phrase it.

I don't need W, I wanted W in my life. She doesn't want me, but she Needs me to do the equestrian things. that's not a marriage its a business deal. Only problem with it is, there's absolutely no advantage from my perspective.

[labug]

Well, she's given you an opportunity to have a conversation.:) What would your goals be for that conversation?

[melissag]

Yes, your W is being kind of ridiculous, saying this and that should change, when she's the one who left and has nothing to do with any of it.

But . . . I would take this as a good sign. She is showing interest in your kids and what is happening at home.

Perhaps she is just not very good at communicating that in a more direct way. Imagine how hard it would be to acknowledge that you've deserted your kids for the past few months.

[3boymom]

Paul - My coach was so helpful is walking me through what I wanted to say and how to say it. Perfect timing for a session. It was honestly my most useful session to date.

[paul19510]

Paul - My coach was so helpful is walking me through what I wanted to say and how to say it. Perfect timing for a session. It was honestly my most useful session to date.

I feel a change in myself. I want off the middle (out of limbo). I will talk coach about how to move. oddly enough, D16 is home now due to mid terms being done for the day. I told her I feel happy and healthier than in some years and friends see it too. She answered with yes and mom says the same about her life. daddy, maybe that's a sign....you shouldn't be together. Does she have a point??

[labug]

Astute daughter! I'm glad you're feeling strong.

[paul19510]

Yes, your W is being kind of ridiculous, saying this and that should change, when she's the one who left and has nothing to do with any of it.

But . . . I would take this as a good sign. She is showing interest in your kids and what is happening at home.

Perhaps she is just not very good at communicating that in a more direct way. Imagine how hard it would be to acknowledge that you've deserted your kids for the past few months.

hi M, She was funny to say we should team up more. She doesn't seem to want to be around. I was proud D16 told her mom she doesn't want her to come stay here while I am out of town in tow weeks. She wants to do what I told her she could. She felt caught in the middle if W starts snooping around while I'm gone. She asked W to stay away and live like she does now unless there's an emergency.

also, D16 told me that W said I KNEW she was staying over the other night. All kids confirmed that I didn't know. I read D16 the text to confirm the arrangement "...I would like a movie night at the house with the kids...." that says nothing about sleeping over. I don't like lies.

[paul19510]

I don't know if there is positive developments in the sitch that she's seemingly taking a greater interest in things. to me she just seemed critical again of S12. She wanted to insert herself into the household affairs, but invests little time in them to begin with.

W actually said we should cut back on Hockey for S12 if he can't perform. right now, Hockey keeps him for going under. she had no idea. I reminded W that we all have a lot on our plates and that this situation has en handled very well considering how stressful its been. that's part of what I want to say on Saturday.

I believe W knows what she wants (a divorce)but will not ask for it because I asked to try and because it will be a financial burden for her. Just my 2 cents