A quick post to mention what my plan is for this weekend. As you know by now my W & I have separated as of November 1, I moved out & W started seeing old boyfriend from HS, after not seeing eachother for 25+ years. On Saturday we have to complete some paperwork to finish up a bankruptcy. I am going to ask the W the question "do you want to get a divorce or is our marriage worth saving?". I'm not even going to mention the OM at all & based on her answer I will suggest marriage counseling. If W wants a D then I will accept that as well. I know it's a drastic move but I need a sense of closure. Based on what I know I feel it's gonna be the D answer.
I need some advice on if thus the right thing to do!
I agree with above post. If you pressure her with a question like that right now I can almost guarantee the answer you are gonna get. Your W is gonna take time to sort things out and figure out what she wants. I made the mistake of pushing my W while we were separated and not once did it get the desired result.
On the other hand, if you have decided YOU are done maybe proceed with him or me approach.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
By no means an I done, I still love my wife. I do feel though as if I am being pushed out by not ever getting the chance to see her & always being placed 2nd. I was thinking that if I asked the question it might give me some clarity on what will happen next. If W says "divorce" then I will feel some type of closure. If W answers "I'm not sure or no" then I would suggest MC to have an outside member help guide us in the right direction. I'm not grasping at strings & this is the most patience I've ever showed. I still think W is MLCing & this OM is a rebound, though I'm not 100% sure because they are moving pretty fast.
I wouldn't push for anything right now if YOU are not done.
If she is in MLC, it's been way too short a time.
If I read you correctly, OM has been around 6 months? The usual timeline for affairs is 6-18 months, to go through the limerance phase to the "um, Mr. Perfect is just a regular old human being after all, snores and farts in his sleep" phase (aka, reality). So the new R drug high phase (and yes, it is like a very addictive drug) may JUST be starting to wear down a wee bit. Which is MAYBE why you have seen some interest from her in your changes, etc. And some testing...that's part of the "are these changes real, or just a ploy to get me back?" question in her mind.
From my readings and experience, women generally take a LONG time to believe changes are real. What a man would accept and believe as real change in a month or two, women seem to take 6 months or longer.
So....imo, it is WAY to soon to start pushing for a decision, MC, etc, if she is MLC, or really, just a WAS. If you do, I'd put money on her response, and I am not a gambler. To the WAS/MLCer, pressure from the LBS generates the flight (RUN!!!) response.
A poster here who has recently been successful with her MLC H, reachingHigher, put together this quick reference card, I would print it out and keep it with you to review often throughout the day:
WHAT I NEED TO DO: Back off Give tons of space Art of silence Engaged listening Stop trying to control the outcome Don't react poorly Don't try to fix him Validate him Let him find his own solutions Give him time Give him consistency Let go of needing to know why
WHAT I MAY GET: Him come to me on his own Him trust me
ALSO: Don't lose hope Don't think it will be a quick fix Have no expectations Act as if my life is great Act as if he is not coming back Constantly fine tune based on current realities
REMEMBER: NO pressure about OP Maintain emotional control
Patience, man, patience...imo.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Based on what my fellow online support has wrote I have decided to NOT ask W the question. W & OM have only been seeing eachother since the 2nd week in November but started talking less than a month earlier, I'm just guessing on the second part, this is based on what I know.
TSquared2 you are right that the lust of the new found relationship will start to dwindle & it has. At first it was OM driving down every other weekend & maybe every other Tuesday night; remember it's a 3 1/2 hour drive. Then my W would drive up on the weekends he doesn't come down. Well guess what got in the way LIFE. Kids, distance, work, weather all played a major role & OM has only come down on Tuesday/Wednesday for the last 3 weeks. One of OM former 3 wife's must have the kids on Tues. & Wed., W told me he has custody.
So for now I'll continue my plan, but keep the advice coming.
The plan I've been working on is give W space, focus on my stuff & my self, & keep in contact either by texting, calling, or seeing them as much as I can.
This seems to be working, better 3 weeks ago than now, W called 4 times in 5 days. I think what's happening in both of our everyday life's has made things change. This is why I wanted to ask her the question that has been bring discussed, I don't like not being in control of the situation. I'm in control of my life & how I chose to live it but right now not in charge of how my M will turn out. Only W can decide if she wants to be with me or not.
This is why I wanted to ask her the question that has been bring discussed, I don't like not being in control of the situation. I'm in control of my life & how I chose to live it but right now not in charge of how my M will turn out.
I get that, oh man, I get that (recovering controller here).
That is what you "need", those are your wants, right?
Getting that would make you feel better, in control of your whole life, right?
What about your W's wants, right now?
What about your W's needs, right now?
What can you tell me about her wants and needs at the moment?
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Remember her garage door question? And your response?
Quote:
I told her "no it would of been an accident, I don't yell about small or large things anymore."
That bolded part is all you need to "say" to "show"...the part about you not yelling, etc?
That is talk.
and this:
Quote:
I stated I have learned a lot about what is important & what is not in the last couple of months. W then stated it was 'only talk' and no 'actions' have been shown.
Every time you tell her about how you have changed, you are showing her you haven't changed.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
