Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting!

[FlyOnTheWall]

Kgirl, a lot of the DB'n feels counter intuitive. Almost all of it feels wrong at certain times. But your missing the point, its not how it makes you feel sometimes, its about letting go of how you feel it makes him feel. If that makes sense? To stop mind reading on how HE might take it. Your having expectations that will surely only let you down time and time again.

First, the point is to show strength that you CAN make it without him, even if your not feeling it. FAKE it till you make it. Second, he cant miss what your always trying to give him. He wont feel your loss if your making yourself "available". Finally, you need to be able to act like nothing he does can hurt you, let it roll right off you.

It will all feel like monumental tasks at times, but you need to show happy, act happy, be happy at ALL times. And if none of that works, remember this, the more you pursue the WORSE your making it. Period!!!Theres no way your going to be perfect doing this, but when you fall, get back up and get at it again.

Your trying so hard to have the perfect response, say the right thing, be the perfect wife. All while he's got a wall up around him a MILE tall. Be the person only a fool would leave, are you that person yet? then get to work. You cant live your life in response to his, your only holding yourself back. The more you hold growth back, the easier your making it for him to see he's making the right choices.

Are you following anyone else's sitch? find one that you can relate to, but make sure its a longer one, like 4-5 threads/parts. And read it from the beginning, see if you can find the mistakes or progress in the thread. Pay attention to how LONG this process can take. If you aren't going to have the patience to let this all play out, your right you might as well file right now, and save yourself the time.

KG, you barely a warm cup of coffee into this, your panicking, your not in control of yourself, and your not following the 37 rules. So I know you have work to do, its time to stop thinking about what and why he's going thru this. And focus on your part of why this happened, fix what you can, the rest will play out all by itself.

[paul19510]

ditto what fly said. BTW, Kgirl, you really didn't backslide that bad. forgive yourself. Start again tomorrow and move forward. If you really think about it, you told you H that you are attracted to him and wanted to ML. I could think of a lot worse things to say to someone.

I'm learning too. move forward. Start with forgiving yourself for the slip and just grind it out

[KGirl]

Thanks, Fly and Paul. I need people to keep me honest here Starting right now I am letting go of the backslide(s) and moving forward. Will re-read the 37 rules regularly, and when I start feeling frustrated that there are too many "do nots" compared to "dos", I will channel my need to "do" into making plans for myself! A goal for myself this weekend is to go to a movie by myself. I've never done it, but there's one I really want to see and just going and doing it without waiting for someone to go with me will be a good step forward, I think. As for fixing my parts of why this happened, I can continue to be thankful/appreciative when he helps out with things around the house, and I need to continue to not ask him about his plans or be jealous/insecure when he goes and does something without me (this has been pretty easy so far because he hasn't really done anything since the BD besides go to work, watch tv, check fantasy sports, and play games on his phone).

Re: following threads, I've been reading several from the beginning to now, but it's sometimes hard to relate because many of the stories mention that their spouses were wavering/went back and forth from the beginning on leaving vs. working on things. I think finding a thread or two where the S was DONE, no ifs, ands, or buts, but then eventually came around to wondering if things could be fixed, would be encouraging and more relate-able, because it's hard to be hopeful when H sounds so firm on his decision. I'll keep digging - any suggestions?

[artsy]

KGirl,

Go to the threads on piecing and reconciling and you'll find those stories you want! Also, in the forum called "another divorce busted" there links to threads that you can follow aaaalllllllllllllllll the way back from beginning. You'll see many, if not most started out with the WAS being convinced they are finished, that's it, nothin else to say...

Hang in there!

[AnotherStander]

I think finding a thread or two where the S was DONE, no ifs, ands, or buts, but then eventually came around to wondering if things could be fixed, would be encouraging and more relate-able, because it's hard to be hopeful when H sounds so firm on his decision. I'll keep digging - any suggestions?

It's a lot of reading, but check out Denver's threads. They were S'd and she was heavily involved in an A. He caught her with OM and flipped out, that was it for him. They were full speed ahead on D. He was referring to her on the forums as "STBXW" (soon-to-be-ex-wife). The turnaround was sudden and dramatic. It happened against seemingly insurmountable odds.

He hasn't posted in quite some time, but his threads span from just after BD all the way through piecing, and he posted frequently so you really get a good idea of everything he went through.

[KGirl]

Thanks, AS. Have started to read it and slowly working my way through - it's definitely a long story!

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days on a few topics:

-I think I can safely say I've taken my H "off the pedestal". I've met with an IC a few times and one of the exercises I was asked to do was write out my needs in a relationship. I'm not optimistic that H would be able to meet those needs if he were to come around. I'm now realizing that my H is much like one of the examples in DR - the one where the wife is unhappy with the husband when he goes out late w/ friends, MWD asks him what was different about the times where she was not unhappy, he says it's when he checked in with her to let her know where he was and when he'd be back, MWD says "why not do that all the time?" and H says "because I don't think I should have to!" That's my H to a T. If it doesn't make sense to him or is something he "shouldn't have to do", he won't do it, even if it would make someone else (me) much happier and would cause him no harm or pain. Personal example: I got kinda sad one day when I went on facebook and 3 people my age either had a baby or found out they were pregnant that day. I know I'm not ready for kids but I just felt kinda left out. I shared this with my H, who responded in anger "why are you upset about that?? That's just stupid. We know we don't want kids right now, who cares what they are doing". When I said I know but it just made me sad and I just wanted him to listen, he said "No, I'm not just gonna sit and listen to something that I think is dumb and makes no sense." Same w/ being out after work, not letting me see his e-mail ("There's nothing to hide, but I'm allowed to have my privacy"), etc. I just can't see him losing his stubbornness/self-righteousness for the sake of our marriage and that makes me sad.

-The main 180 that I've been trying (as the rest of them are "not doing" things, like not questioning where he is/being jealous or controlling about his activities) is also making me sad and frustrated, and I'm not sure if I should keep doing it. As mentioned earlier H feels like I'm not complimentary/admiring/proud/appreciative of him, and that doesn't come easy for, so I've been trying to do more of that. However, 90% of the time he responds in a negative/smart-*** way, so it's not encouraging me to keep doing it. Examples of responses he gives when I tell him I appreciate him making dinner, or getting up early to clear snow, or that I really like that shirt on him:
-"well it had to be done and someone had to do it"
-"I was making dinner for myself anyway"
-"I know, everyone at work tells me that" (re: the shirt)
-"You already told me that last time I did that/wore that"
I won't say never, but hardly ever is it just a "thanks", "you're welcome", or even just a "yep". This is where I can only work on myself so far and he has to figure himself out. If this is how he reacts when people try to compliment him or appreciate him, it's no wonder others/I stopped. He's even irritable/rude to me lately with small talk, even if he starts the conversation and I respond to him. The only time he's happy is if he starts talking and I just sit and listen and not say anything. Maybe this will work in "crisis mode" but I'm not going to just be a mute listening W forever. A month or two before BD I semi-jokingly said that it seems like his ideal W would be someone who does all the cooking, cleaning, and chores, has dinner ready when he gets home every night, does all the errands, doesn't ask him any questions, doesn't say anything about herself, but will always listen to anything he says and ML whenever he wants (based on several things he said leading up to that). He responded "actually, yes, that sounds pretty good" and wasn't really joking. I will not be that for him. It's hard to continue to DB/be optimistic and have PMA when I don't see how we can be what each other wants us to be. Pretty negative, huh? : /

[KGirl]

OK, I'm in need of help here..
Can someone, anyone, convince me why it's a good idea for H and I to continue to leave together and/or tips on how to do so without losing my mind? He has no inclination to leave, and still has not made any steps or conversations in any direction. Last conversation on the topic of R/M/D several weeks ago was that his decision to D was firm and nothing would change it. I'm having a VERY hard time trying to stay positive while still in the same house as him. I'm doing my best to GAL and that helps when I'm gone, but sometimes I just want to come home, kick my feet up, and watch TV. Or maybe make myself some dinner. Or other normal things that you just want to do in your home and feel comfortable! And he never goes anywhere besides soccer for an hour a week, so I can't get any "alone time" to just relax. I don't know how much more I can take of this without snapping and asking "what the heck are you doing?!" What makes this more stressful I guess is that it's not easy where I live to just move and find a decent apartment in a couple of weeks if things were to go majorly south. I live in a college town and most leases, at least for locations that allow me to take a bus downtown where I work, start in August, so the only things now are subleases. I've poked around online a little bit and haven't found anything that I'd consider living in. I even called the apartment we lived in before we bought our house to see if they had any availability and they said May at the earliest. I just feel so stuck and powerless. Someone said above that you can do 90% of your moving on while still married...but I don't know if that's true while you still leave together. Advice, anyone?! It's so hard to keep up the "act" of being positive when I'm so angry at him, and I don't know how to make myself more genuinely happy while here.

[KGirl]

*continue to "live" together in that first line, not "leave" together! Guess it's obvious what's on my mind : )

[FlyOnTheWall]

Hi Kgirl,

Ok, so theres a few way you can go about how to handle this.

The first advice the vets would prob give you is to STAY in the home, cause in all honesty its the best way to let him see your changes.

The second is to move out, and start living your life.

Heres the twist. Either way you need to be detached enough to let them have their journey. You need to be able to let the punches roll off you and not let it affect your life either way. Detachment doesn't mean give up, its just means your going to let it play out without it messing with your head so much.

It is the most difficult thing to do, but one of the most important: detachment.

I'll be honest, your barely a warm cup of coffee into this still, and you have a LONG time to go before this is going to get resolved one way or the other. I know its frustrating and raw emotionally for you right now.

If your going to stand for your marriage, I would recommend staying. You just need to get there emotionally. If your giving up, which is your choice, but awfully early to be making it I guess. Then you should by all means move out.

The largest problem I see with Newcomers is the almost denial at first, they think that if A, B, and C are done you can get this turned around in a hurry. The reality of it is, its not uncommon for his to take a year or two. So you need to get that number into your head and TELL yourself, you can do this! Sure your going to slip here and there, but your going to try and save your marriage.

The best way to do this for now is GAL. And I mean get out of the house every opportunity you can. If he's going to be home, go to the library, its free, theres a ton of books you can read that will help you mentally and emotionally. If you have a laptop, find a coffee shop to go sit in that has free wifi, read and post here if you need to, watch a Netflix movie, go out with friends, take a walk, start exercising, but get out of the house. This does 2 things, gets you away from the walking on egg shells frustration at home, and that you willing to move on, act "as if" your can take care of yourself.

You don't do this to hurt him, so its not about being vindictive, its about getting to a point that you can separate the emotional damage your doing to yourself. See, he's not spinning you out, your spinning yourself out in reaction to him. See the difference. Only you can control your reactions.

I'll be honest that I prob need to catch up on your sitch more before I can really give much more in advice. But I can see your spinning in your last post. So I wanted to give a little advice, I'll try to catch up on your sitch when I get home from work.

[FlyOnTheWall]

And to add to above, its still very very very important you don't bring up R talk at ALL!!!!

And if he does, its important to listen and validate, over and over again. Also set up some boundaries for yourself.