Look what the cat dragged in! (TL) - Act 3

[tigerlily78]

So, just a brief update...

Still hunting for employment myself, that is a bummer.

Playing the computer game has continued since the last time I posted. Having fun, but I also play without him once in awhile when he is not around.

We used to play games together in the first 5 years or so of our relationship, so it feels like there is a little reconnection happening via the gaming. Trying not to have expectations though that it means anything... he is still clearly confused.

He has initiated some talks lately, mostly about his current state of feeling/being and they occasionally dribble into the R area. This tends to happen in our kitchen while I am busy doing something else. He has made some remarks like, "Maybe there is something wrong with me," "I think I realize now I have been depressed since the LAST time I lost my job," "My feelings are very confused right now, I don't know what I want," "I know you are a wonderful and good person, I don't know how I couldn't see it for awhile." I have validated the confusion. Didn't know WHAT to say about "maybe there is something wrong with him" ... I just STFU on that one in the moment.

I live in the South, and we got snow! So it's pretty much been pandemonium for anyone who has to commute. My son spent FIVE hours on the bus yesterday trying to get home from school, so that was not cool.

H apparently started out from OW's house about an hour after the snowfall started and the traffic was already so bad he turned around and went back. I called him when son finally made it home just to let him know he was safe. H was very appreciative of the call and explained how he was bored and lonely and wished he had thought to leave for home before the weather hit. This turned into an hour long phone call.

He said several times that he would have rather been snowed in "at home." I said something along the lines of, "I am sorry you got stuck there when you don't want to be, I wish you would have made it home too." And I dropped a follow up remark that I had a hard time understanding why he wants to be there in general, when its not the place he would prefer to be snowed in at for days. He replied that he knows it really doesn't make much sense... that right now he is just trying to figure out if a life with less responsibility to other people would make him happier. I said that I understood he felt he needed to explore some other options, but from my perspective the current situation was actually causing him to be responsible to MORE people than before, not less.

I left it at that. We talked about the general chaos caused by the weather, his progress in his job search, he ran some ideas across me for updating his blog he uses as a portfolio of his side projects, and some "future plans" he has for things to do for himself to feel more accomplished and focused.

He asked how I spent the day, so I told him. I also mentioned that this morning I woke up having a very sexually intense dream and he was in it. He found that VERY interesting. But since my son was home at that point I didn't go into the details. If H wants to know about it later, he will ask. It looks like the roads are going to be bad until Friday when it finally warms up, so he is going to have plenty of time to be alone with his thoughts over the next few days. I hope it does him some good.

At 12:15am today he sent me an email to let me know he "watched four movies yesterday, alone." I thought the mention that he was alone was sort of funny... I already knew he was alone, otherwise he wouldn't have had the luxury to talk to me on the phone for an hour while OW was away at work. :P He gave me his personal reviews of the movies he watched, at 12:15am. Presumably skulking out to use his laptop while the OW was asleep. In a weird way I kind of feel like there is a role reversal occurring, where now I am the "new, secret, fun thing" and the status quo with OW is just MEH.

I replied nicely when I got the chance that two of the movies he liked are ones I'd like to see too sometime if he can copy them over to my computer sometime. I stuck to the topic of the movies, not the "alone" comment or anything else.

I cleared the drive of snow today, baked a banana bread, spent some quality time with my son, worked on getting my teaching materials together for a merit badge clinic I am teaching this weekend. This is my second year in a row doing it, so I am sure it will be fun. Last year I was pretty nervous about... so that's personal development and progress.

Now the only part that worries me is that I have to get up so darn early on Saturday, when I haven gotten into the bad habit of staying up too late and sleeping in.