Don't Break Character

[Raine]

Hey Everyone. I just wanted to check in and let you know that everything is going really well. He is really open now. I feel like before he was hiding it, because he didn't want to hurt me with the truth, but now he realizes that hurts me even more, and that it's difficult for me to get to where I want to be with things like that lingering. I'm trying to take my time with it. It's really difficult for him, facing it. And it's difficult for me, because I just want it all out in the open, so I can feel real. So it doesn't feel like a dream. So I can trust him. So I don't feel like the fool.

LBB is pretty ticked off at H. Lots of Jr High jealousy and drama over H not doing what LBB wants to do, and caring too much about what I might want to do. H's attitude towards it is there are so many people who want to hang out with us. And before we spent way too much time and effort trying to give time to everyone. But now, it's too important to him to have the time with just him and I. He doesn't want the drama and guilt and work that goes into maintaining such a one-sided relationship. I did encourage H to talk to LBB, knowing he was having a rough time. H really reached out to LBB, but was ignored. I think H feels at peace that he made the effort, was the bigger man, and not much more he can do.

It's fascinating to me to see that H continues to follow the pattern and progression that has been outlined by others who went through MLC. Even dropping the replay friends. How much at peace he is. How happy he is. How much he adores me. I mean I didn't think this kind of relationship existed. I thought I had an amazing relationship before. But now...wow. And I appreciate it. I cherish it. I never want to lose it.

Here is my update from my DB-FB, for those who aren't on there...

Things are good. Things are amazing. I feel so blessed and so lucky. Here are some major things, at least in my mind...

He has started opening up about his past. And I can see how his past, his childhood, got him to "Crisis." And it is so major to me that he trusts me with that. He still feels horrified by it. And I feel so bad for him, but it's nothing shocking to me. It just makes me love him more. It makes me feel closer to him that he trusts me so much. At some point I think he will need to work through that more. It is so much more major to him than it is to me. I can see it and understand it. I'm okay with it. I'm actually relieved at how minor it really is.

He has told people that he is so happy right now. He is the happiest he has ever been in his life. He feels so comfortable, so much at peace. He says he feels really happiness for the first time, not a fake happiness he puts on for other people.

He said that he knows it's wrong, but he did not feel like we were married when we were separated. That we were not together. That he was not cheating on me. He knows it's wrong and he was, but that is how he felt at the time. We were technically married, but he couldn't deal with the divorce. In his heart he couldn't deal with losing me, but he saw no way of fixing anything. It was trying to move on, being forced to move on, but not being able to.

He says he is in, 100%, and he is so paranoid that he is going to lose me. That one day I will decide it's not worth it anymore, and let him go. It is what he fears more than anything else. He says that he will never get to that place again, because he has me to come to, he has a counselor he can go to, he feels strong and confident. He knows what brings him misery and what brings him incredible happiness.

He knows that I love him. He knows that I accept all of him, without expectation. That there is no price for my love or anything, it's just there, given freely, no matter what. He will do anything to keep that, to keep me, to make me happy.

He has forgotten a lot, and he really struggles with things that happened during separation. He struggles that he wasn't there for the kids, for me. He feels an amazing amount of guilt and pain. But he is so focused on me. He is keeping his pain closed, like he doesn't deserve to feel bad about it.

We went to the P!nk concert, and it was amazing. He got pretty emotional after "just give me a reason." He said he had never heard that song in that way before. It didn't mean anything to him until that night, until he saw how much it affected me. He held my hand all through the song, and kissed me after that, told me he loved me.

He is making lots of plans of things to do together. He wants to take cooking classes, dancing classes. He wants to go to a concert every month. And it's not just talk. He is looking things up and scheduling them. He wants to do so many things. He also wants to be sure that we have time alone, and do things like girls night, or guys nights. He wants family time and individual time with each of the boys.

He wants me, all the time. He calls me up to ask me how I am, to tell me he misses me, to tell me he loves me. I started to text him today that I had a great time last night and I love him. And as I hit send, he was calling me to tell me he loved me. We are so in sync.

And I am so happy. He is amazing.