I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

I welcome all the help I can get. There has been some amazing advice and insight into what I am going through. I need this! Seeing my own counselor is not touching this stuff, I am trying to work on me, but hearing your takes on this, your thoughts and advice, helps me feel less crazy.

I should have said, and I guess there has been so much I missed it, she had another miscarriage. I know this is true, because she left the doctors stuff on the counter. I don't how I would manage that, lol. We had one this summer, our first try at having kids. The doctor warned her it would be that much easier the next time. But, yeah. When she told me about the miscarriage, I actually felt bad. Even though it was not by me, I felt bad because we had gone through this ourselves this past summer. I told her this too, that I felt bad, and that it felt weird, but that I did, because I knew how hard that was for us/her.

I am keeping busy, as much as I can. She is coming home from her trip soon, and I am on way out the door for the evening. Going to go eat some food I like, hit the library, and maybe go see a movie. Your perspectives on all of this is so helpful. I cant even put it into words what it means to me. Nights are hard when I am home alone. I work late, so I get home around 10pm. Not a lot of places to go, and too cold right now to be out. So I read, some here on this site. But those are the times, that I feel myself want to feel what is happening. Those are the times I want to snoop (I am getting better about that). But it is when I am here alone, and bored. When I know she is out having fun, and I am here. I am not going to go to the bars, I know I am probably not the most fun guy to be around as far as hanging out with friends, or meeting people. I have been trying to just keep busy with reading, writing, watching movies, etc. So it is like it hits me in waves.

I know I am saying probably what a lot of people do in this position. I just wish she would see what she's doing, not just to me. I have always taken care of her, and I know she is in a bad spot. My point is that I want to help her, I want to comfort her, I want to fix this. Resisting that is hard, but with all that I am trying to do for myself, it is a little easier I guess to resist, because I am distracted. I did come here at first hoping it would be a secret mix of doing A, B, C. like was said. But I am learning, and taking deep breathes. Trying to remind myself it is about right now for me, and not get tunnel vision on what is happening with us.

I don't know how many times today I have said under my breath or out loud to myself, patience. That is my Mantra, lol.

I hear what you all are saying, I really do. I am trying to take it all in. I do feel less in a tornado, and more calm about all this. At least right this moment, here.